Rebuilding Two
by BambooNDragonflies
Summary: Post Mockingjay Katniss returns to District 12. Writings and notes she finds from loved ones give her strength and hope to rebuild her life. Meanwhile, Gale has volunteered to serve in District 2 and his family has followed him there. Told from multiple points of view, this will be the story of how they rebuild two.
1. Chapter 1- Unwell

It's been days... or maybe it has even been weeks since Haymitch returned me to District 12 before I finally gather even enough strength and desire to explore beyond the worn path between my chair, the kitchen, the restroom and back. Grief it turns out is suffocating in and of itself. Even if you don't fight it, it is exhausting.

It's not much of a journey, but I venture beyond the confines my chair to survey the dining room and the foyer. As my eyes focus on the lazy dust motes floating across the glare of sunlight on the foyer floor, memories flood back of Prim's exuberant hugs to welcome me home from town, the woods, or wherever, really. I had never really considered this my home, not my _real_ home, like the one in the Seam, but whatever it was to me then pales in comparison to what it is now. It's practically a prison, or perhaps a sanitarium is more descriptive. I brace myself against the door jam as I take in the dining room and it brings to mind scenes of times when my mother was capable and more in her element than she had been in years. Her hands keeping busy hosting dinners for Peeta and Haymitch as we trained for the Quarter Quell, roasts and stews that filled our bellies and warmed our hearts. Or the times soothing and treating patients that came for help, like Gale after his whipping. I remember how I couldn't stand to see him battered and broken. My Gale, the old Gale, the one before the rebellion, before he designed the bombs.

That train of thought bring me through a fuller range of emotion than I thought possible now - warmth, sadness, emptiness, regret, anger. The brief mental journey is so taxing, that I almost miss seeing a collection of belongings stacked precariously on one of the ornate dining room chairs posted by the far wall.

The pile is encased in my father's well worn hunting jacket and topped with my bow. I tentatively graze two of my fingers along the smooth curve of the bow's wood as I have done hundreds, if not thousands of times before. This specific action used to calm my nerves and ready me for survival in the woods. Now it only reminds me of who I was then, who I failed to protect, and how I wish I could go back to the time when I needed this bow to survive again.

Underneath my hunting gear are stacked some clothes and a few school notebooks with Prim's careful print. I've had enough for now, so I take my father's jacket, wrap it around me, as if it could protect me from harm, and retreat back to my chair. I bury myself in its supple leather, breathing its familiar musky aroma and lose myself in the parade of memories that start when my father wore this jacket and merge with the years when this became my uniform for retreating to the forest. My mind is tripping on all of the memories of people important to me that were taken from me by the Capitol by death or ripped from me by circumstances contrived by the Capitol or Coin. Are Haymitch and Sae really the only ones I have left?

I return to my stupor again, with only Greasy Sae to break the silence. She dutifully arrives in the morning, rousing me from my half-dazed slumber. Her daily arrival marks the end of the nightmares and the transition to the semi-consciousness of daytime. The bright sunshine of most days is too caustic, I prefer the occasional late afternoon thunderstorm with its grey skies and drum beat to soothe my raw edges.

A few mornings later I wake to Sae murmuring in hushed tones in the kitchen. I strain to make out who she's speaking to, with no luck, until Haymitch strides through the door to check on me. "Awake yet, Sweetheart?" The nickname I associate with Haymitch's trademark sarcasm is almost comforting now. How things have changed. "I see you found your things your mother set aside from 13," he says motioning with his elbow to the jacket I hide under. I nod in understanding. He glances away and admits 'Your mother's in District 4 now, helping rebuild the hospital there... Her knowledge will be really useful to them, they really need her there." I feel my eyes water, but not enough to actually shed a tear, as I try and comprehend how broken we are that we can't even fix each other.

The days pass as I continue to drift from nightmare-laden night to dazed waking state. Sae is patient, offering food when I am conscious and she gratefully provides little other stimulus.

My unconscious mind crafts a myriad of nightmares, many variations on the same themes. The good old stand bys featuring the Snow's bloody breathe and beady eyes chasing me through the forest or the chameleon district 13 folks turned Capital mutts have given way to more chilling visions. The premise in these are simple and constant, but the details change with each replication. The one set features Peeta with his calm demeanor and piercing blue eyes. It's just us, and we're having lunch or he's baking or painting. Then suddenly something sets him off and he starts attacking me or Prim. Sometimes he just starts tearing apart our surroundings shouting nonsense, or worse yet Coin or Capital Propaganda. Equally disturbing are those nightmares where Gale emerges from a burning mine looking more machine than a man. Sometimes he's his old self, but then starts manipulating traps and other times the machine-man just starts to hunt Prim down, and I can only watch. Perhaps the strangest one is from the Capitol, when Gale and I got separated when the street opened up. In this version it's Prim in a peacekeeper uniform hauling Gale up by his collar and dragging him away as I am left screaming.

It becomes routine to wake from these visions several times a night with a start and drenched in a clammy sweat. Even once my breathing regulates I know I won't drift back to sleep for a while and am left to with my thoughts, which are just as depressing and frightening. My exhaustion extends to the day, resulting in a hazy consciousness punctuated by a meal, and then more of the same nightmarish thoughts and visions.

Xxxx

Finally one day I decide to break the cycle. I gather the courage to return to the dining room to look through Prim's schoolwork. I treat each piece like it is a sacred parchment, though I know likely none of these meant much of anything to her. The papers stuffed into the first binder are soft on the edge, like they've been carried around and handled quite a bit. I scan the sheet on top. Of course she got an A, she has always been good at math, and lucky enough to be able to focus on school... I catch myself...or *had* been good at math. I inhale once deeply and exhale slowly once, twice, three times before I can continue. Still I feel a semblance of pride bubble in my heart as my mind reverts to evenings when I would go over her homework with her after dinner when she was younger. Just the two of us huddled in the dim light of the lantern at the solid table that I was told was made by my grandfather with the help of my father when he was a boy. I pull my fingers down the page, as though it was braille as I think, *she* wrote this. I discern eraser marks where she carefully corrected herself. I soak in the details like how sometimes her eights were figure eights and sometimes stacked circles. Just seeing her writing makes my heart hurt. I flip through the next few assignments, it's more of the same. The grades are all As, I can feel my inner self smile, though my physical body can't yet muster the strength to do so yet.

My eye strays to the last page of one of the homework assignments at the bottom, there's some notes almost like a code in stiff block print lettering in a different penmanship:  
LD - OO 4 5 11 16 19 S 8

I fan the pages back and realize there's a similar code on the last page of the previous assignments as well:  
Ones says: LD - DP 3 8 14 OO 6 7 21  
Another: LD - DV 9 14 OO 6

Being curious I challenge myself to figure out the meaning of the nonsensical letters and numbers. I feel a small victory when I piece together that the numbers on the last page are usually the homework problems she went back and corrected. I wonder if it's the teacher's writing or if they were matched up with another student to correct their work. My persistence is rewarded with a clue. On an assignment halfway buried in the pile, scratched in the margin on the 3rd page I find Prim's handwriting alternating with the same penmanship as the 'codes':

 _Who was that?_  
WILLOW  
 _She's pretty_  
I GUESS  
 _I think she likes you_  
SHE MIGHT  
 _Do you..._  
DO YOU NEED TO ASK?  
 _No :) Wait is she..._  
YEAH, BRISTOL'S LIL SIS  
 _Sorry, I remember her now. I know you miss him._  
YEAH, I DO LD. THX.

Now that see full words, I'd recognize that chicken scratch anywhere, it's Gale's. A flash of fury runs up the length of my body. Who does he think he is! It was his damn bomb that ended her life in heat and flame. His anger, his trap! But then the rapid fire thoughts that follow are: What! He was helping her with her homework? Why? Where was I? How long did he do this? Why didn't I know? And who are Bristol and Willow anyway?

There's more than 2 dozen math assignments, almost all of them have Gale's notes at the bottom. I vaguely recall now Prim would regularly meet up with the Hawthornes to study when we were in 13, and maybe even before, but I really never knew more details than that. I had always assumed she was working with Rory on homework. I think to myself, all those days in 13, I hardly gave Prim the time of day, I was so consumed with my own drama related to the rebellion... and otherwise. Now what I would give to spend time asking Prim about her schoolwork, her dreams, her damn cat... just anything. I need to draw a few more deep breaths before I can continue.

Another assignment has this on the back:

 _Willow's back again :)_  
U SEE HER 2?  
 _She wants U to see her_  
I FIGURED, NO THX  
 _Too late, here she comes_  
SAVE ME!

Further in the stack I find a note with this exchange in Prim's rounded cursive:

G-  
Thank you for checking my algebra, even while you are here in Medical. As a reward I snuck you not 1 but 2 extra vanilla puddings- they ran out of your favorite :(

I know you're worried about Kat, but she'll be ok, physically anyway. Just some serious bruising. They've separated Peeta into a secure suite and they've got a great team on him to figure out why he attacked her.

Get better quickly... which actually means staying here until Doc says you're clear. Really, it won't kill you, but I might if you skip out early. Besides what would you rushing out to do?

-LD

"LD" as in "Little Duck"?! Is that what that means in the code too? Wait! She's MY Little Duck, not his! She's MY little sister, not his! ...But then why was HE helping her, not me?

My knee-jerk reaction gives way to guilt when I try to picture the scene, I realize I never did visit Gale after he got injured going to rescue Peeta. And here Prim is bringing him extra desserts. I justify this when I remember that she was always better with people. But then we're not talking about a random stranger, we're talking about _my_ best friend. Well, he *was* my best friend. I had been thinking that ended when we realized it was the bomb he designed that killed Prim, but now I start wondering if I hadn't been eroding our bond before that.

I deem that enough for today, I carefully close the notebook and find my way back to my chair. My body is still, but my thoughts are whirling around my brain - Gale, he was always taking care of her in 12, getting her down into the shelter when Peeta warned us in 13... taking care of them during my first time in the arena, and then getting her and mom out when the Capitol bombed 12... and then I find out he was still taking care of her when we were in 13. I say 'we', but now in a way I'm feeling like I wasn't really in 13 at all sometimes.

I guess I've always known that Gale took care of Prim like his own sister, but I hadn't been witness to it in quite a while. He may not have really been our cousin, but certainly was family. But I can't shake the nagging whisper 'but HE designed THAT bomb,' or shake the images of Prim's last moments of life. I succomb to evening routine of fitful nightmares and eventually to sleep as I try to process these new revelations.

When morning comes I have a goal, I'm going to write a note to Gale. I have questions and want to talk to him about Prim. But I realize in the end those are just excuses. I miss him.

I start writing nearly a dozen times, but I don't know how to put this jumble of thoughts and feelings on paper. A big part of me is angry when I think of his aggressive actions during the war. There were times I hardly recognized my trusted hunting partner within the rebellion strategist he had become. But still he was always protecting us, her... me. I'm not good with words... ironically, I think, if only Peeta could write this letter... I never do get a coherent string of words on paper.


	2. Chapter 2 - Somewhere only we know 2

A/N/ – This is my first fanfiction – many thanks for those who reviewed. I sincerely appreciate the feedback and encouragement. 

Disclaimer – I'm not Suzanne Collin, nor do I own any of her characters etc.

Gale's POV

It's the same routine, I wake pre-dawn in a cold sweat from a nightmare. It's ironic I prefer the nighttime horrors to the guilt that comes with daylight and settles on everything like insipid coal dust. It's Sunday though, that's something to look forward to. Oh, I almost forgot, the family is visiting 12 this weekend for the commemoration. It's hard to say if I'll ever get myself to go back. The visits there during the rebellion were hard enough, but the destruction was still there. I wonder if they'll see Katniss.

Hah! Well, so much for not thinking about Katniss, that lasted all of 2 minutes. Despite my best efforts and mental preparations my mind always drifts back to her. Though I admit that 2 minutes might be a record. As much as I want to I couldn't stay with her. How could she recover from the rebellion and... everything. Everything that I had a hand in? She certainly doesn't need me around, reminding her of what I did. After everything she's given me, meant to me, I owe her more than that. I can't be in 12 without trying to be a big part of her life, so where does that leave me. Here in District 2. She knows me, it's all or nothing. 

I tell myself I'm getting over it and drag myself out of bed for my morning run. It's not the first time I mull over the irony that I used to get up in order to survive now I get up early because I survived. I tell folks who ask that my pre-dawn run clears my mind. I guess your conscience is in your mind. It's far from clear, but less clouded, so it's close enough to the truth. I tell them that it energizes me, and since it reminds me of my purpose, and drives me to get out and take action, I guess that's true enough too. I grab my shoes and slip out the door and turn my feet to the park. 

Greasy Sae's POV

Finally one day I decide it's time, I try to coax Katniss out of the safe haven of her chair. As expected, she resists, but compromises with me by letting me open the window. She takes in the view from below her coverlet, as the damp spring air washes into the room. It does seem to relax her to focus on a few of the songbird melodies that rise above the indistinct twittering.

After a while even her rusty hunter's sense picks up some rustling in the yard - a big black bird keeps returning to a bush in the yard which in turn scares off the smaller birds. She sits up curious about all the activity (I guess it's all relative). To satisfy her I poke my head out of the window and report back. "Mmm. It's actually a pair of birds. Ahh, looks like one's hurt." She nods straining to gain better visibility on the birds from her chair. She lets me continue "Hmm.. ravens, by the look of it. They were my grandpappy's hands down favorite birds - with their sleek black feathers and what not. He observed them his whole life. I don't know how he did it, but he claimed he could even tell the individual birds apart! He was convinced the ones that were the best at providing food made the most desirable mates. He told me, they're patient too, their courtships can last years. Well, I guess they're right to take their time. I remember what my Granny loved best about them was that unlike most birds, ravens pair for life." I give her a knowing look, but she looks like she can't quite interpret it. That girl, I don't if she can't figure it out or doesn't want to. 

Xxxxx

Katniss POV

The days melt into one another. They are growing warmer and the budding urge to move beyond these walls finally gets the best of me. Fueled by almost a full serving of Greasy Sae's eggs, I feel brave enough to face the sunshine. She claims it's because her chickens make the best eggs, but I admit I've been building up to this for weeks. Armed with my father's jacket and my bow I make it past the first obstacle, the front door.  
I make a quick detour to the backyard to check on the raven. I collect some dried leaves and grass for her to help build a little nest for her recovery. I'm pleased to see that our little bird seems to be getting stronger. Sae has been leaving it water and berries when its protector isn't around. Once in a while she brings it leftover scraps of meat. I suspect her patient will get to enjoy the remainder of the eggs I couldn't fit in this morning. 

Anxiously I make my way along the edge of town. Even from there I can hear the sounds of rebuilding echo through the square. It looks like while I valiantly protected my chair from under-use that teams were formed to clear out sections of the debris. The first blocks already have buildings that house the basic necessities. I avoid eye contact with the few folks I pass, I haven't quite graduated past short pleasantries with Sae and a visit or two from Haymitch. I pay them no mind, but I suspect that once they're a safe distance away they whisper in hushed tones about the compromised state of their once Victor and Mockingjay. 

There are few standing structures past the south-end of the square, and although one would think I could retrace my steps to my old home in the Seam blindfolded, the remnants and rubble make it difficult for me to get my bearings. As I forge ahead, I hum a tune I learned from my father, it helps me to focus and keeps me moving forward. I am utterly exhausted by the time I make it to the meadow and I realize the journey from there to any destination in the woods will be much more taxing. For the first time since I was twelve, it's more daunting to go into the forest than it is to stay in the District. It's disheartening to say the least, as a shadow of my former self, I don't have the strength even to make it to the forest. I slump to the ground at the edge of the meadow, not quite sure which gave out first, my legs or my resolve. My thoughts start in a downward spiral, wondering what is worth continuing on for, and not just about making it to the forest. I have no family to speak of. With the rebellion over there's no need for the Mockingjay. Surely I've made my contributions to society already by ridding Panem of both Snow and Coin. What more could one expect out of one life? 

It's easy enough to let myself get mired in these depressing musings. It's not 'til a songbird's melody gets my attention that I get jarred back to reality. I search to find the owner and discover her by a large flowering spike of a plant just a few yards away. The blooms are a vibrant pink and my heart gets a familiar ache when I walk up and see them up close. It's a type of primrose. I inspect the plant and determine it's fireweed, by the looped veins on the leaves. I remember this as one of my dad's favorite flowers, as confirm it by nibbling on one of the young leaves. When I could find it, I would bring back roots of this for mother as she used this in several of her remedies. I sit down at the base of this plant and rest up recalling distant memories of them before I retreat back to the Victor Village house./span/p 

That night, even though I'm exhausted from my adventure, I find the plant book among the treasures from 13. I flip the pages eagerly to find the entry on "Fireweed". Dad drew a beautiful collage of a detail of a blossom, a close up of a leaf and a plant at its full height. On the right side of the page my mother's no nonsense handwriting lists descriptions of poultices and remedies for lung irritation, stomach pain and even sore throats. Dad's notes centered across the bottom are in a more practiced, showy cursive, like he's telling the world something worth knowing. He says "Fireweed is the first promise of recovery after the destruction of a forest fire, the promise of repair after sickness and the promise that through nature's cycle of healing there will be beauty again." I let this sink in as I drift off to sleep, muscles pleasantly tired and my mind on happier thoughts than they have been in a long time. 

Xxxxx  
Katniss POV

The sun streams in through the window and I awake this time to scraping and shoveling outside. I haul myself to the window, but can't quite identify the source of the noise. It's closer than the gate, which means it is in my yard. When I creak open the front door on its hinges my eyes come to rest on a rose bush. Immediately I shrink back into myself. But then Peeta's grin slides from around the bush and he says "They're Primroses! I thought we could plant them to remember her!" My vision gets a little blurry, when I tear up, and I hug him in thanks. These blooms are a pale pink, more delicate than the fireweed's, and more like Prim's personality. He's brought over 4 small bushes and we make a morning of situating them in my garden and clearing away some of the older garden debris. Adding new life to the garden helps to break the monotony of sadness and depression.

When we finish, we clean up and he runs next door only to return with sandwiches and lemonade. He seems energetic and eager to be back in the District. I have to admit his cheerful company provides a distraction that does help to keep me out of 'my chair'. 

I decide since we're improving the grounds that I might fashion a little structure for the raven. Other animals seem to have left her alone until now, but that could change at any moment. I make a little cage from branches and twine, mostly to deter predators, Buttercup included, from making an easy dinner out of her. It is easy enough to get access to feed her, and her partner can easily check in and give her provisions. I only hope he understands the reason for the new home and doesn't think she's trapped. 

Taking on little tasks like nurturing this bird or making meals for myself do help in pulling me from the undertow of my grief. There are visits from Peeta when he is well and even a Haymitch sighting or two. Days when the grief is completely overwhelming become less commonplace, but they are there and there still is struggle in each day.

Xxx  
Days later I shuffle into the kitchen to join Sae for some broth and some bread. Propped up next to my bowl is a little blue envelope. I don't recognize the handwriting, but the return address is from District 4. Inside is a picture of a beautiful and perfect baby, and a short note from Annie. Most people are happy and hopeful at the birth of a healthy baby, and I am happy for her. But for me, I'm awash with guilt. Little innocent Finnick is fatherless because of me. It was because of my self-initiated mission in the Capitol to kill Snow that his dad was overtaken by mutts. I cringe thinking about his last moments, when we were doing those propos and it all started to go wrong, after we lost Boggs. I was so fixated with eliminating Snow, I knew we were risking our lives, didn't I? I assure myself that Finnick wanted Snow dead more than I did, but was he willing to risk his life with a baby on the way? I wonder if Annie would consider me friend enough to send an announcement if she knew the truth. I know I wouldn't! My stomache knots when I face the realization that I put many others' lives at risk. Now in the aftermath I need to live with my actions. 

I give myself a few days to recuperate and I start out again, determined to make it into the woods this time. Since the sights and sounds in town are no longer new, I focus more on my goal of getting into the woods. I finally reach the spot where we would slip through the fence only to find it missing. The fence is partially disassembled and crumpled leaving a wide opening to enter the woods. Once I enter the woods I close my eyes and breathe in the forest air, soak in the filtered sunlight and let the energy of the woods recharge me, like it did for years. Only the effect isn't quite as strong now. 

Muscle memory gets me headed in the right direction. But I start to doubt myself when twenty yards in the landscape changes drastically from what I knew. This area must have been hit by a Capitol firebomb during the destruction of 12. A wide area is leveled and blackened and then ringed in several layers of spindly charred tree trunks. So much destruction, but at the eastern end of the burn zone there is life - flowers! Dozens and dozens of them, some of them taller (and I admit, heartier) than I am. It's fireweed again, bringing life back to the forest. I take a long moment to soak in the beauty of nature's recovery before I move on. 

On their own accord, my feet bring me to 'our' meeting spot. The view from here is beautiful, but it's not what I came for - back then or now. Our rock, where Gale and I started so many of our days and so comfortably grew into each other, is too large without his presence. I count to 10 slowly, several times even, hoping he'll materialize silently like he did when I returned from the first Arena. But he doesn't. Before the games and even during the rebellion just being in the forest gave me strength and confidence. But now, returning alone to the forest that I shared with Gale leaves me more empty than full. 

I don't have the strength to hunt, or even to gather, so after an eternity with my thoughts, I retrace my way to the fence. With practically every step my mind screams "Where is Gale? Why did he become so consumed by war? Would I even know him, really know him... or want to know him when or if we met again?" My trip to the forest has helped remind me of the hope of survival, but I am left with a larger hole in my heart.  
xxx

I'll return to the forest soon I know, but not today. Today I'll brave looking through more of the items from 13. From under some garments of Prim's I unearth the short length of rope from Finnick and a small tin box secure with a wire fastener. Inside the box, nestled on the piece of parachute fabric are my two prized possessions from the Quarter Quell: the pearl and the locket Peeta gave me. I roll the pearl between my index finger and my opposite palm, fascinated with the luster and perfection of nature's exquisite defensive solution. 

I gently return the pearl to its bed and I gently pry open the locket to reveal Prim's angelic gaze. Here her beauty and innocence are frozen forever. Her photo is flanked by a photo of Gale on the left and our mother on the right. A burning grows in my chest as I think of how the Capitol stole each of them from me. My mother became a ghost of herself when the mines killed my father. In many ways I lost Gale to the rebellion. His talent for traps and strategy in war were honed by the rebellion. In the end that was turned against us by Coin to take my Prim. Prim and Gale were each so much a part of me... maybe even the better part of me at times. 

I study my mother's face and think about how I despised her before the games. I couldn't bring myself to understand how she could just give up on her daughters because her husband was gone. Now I have some understanding about how encompassing a loved ones' death can be. I seem to be affected by the same weakness. But I still can't fathom how she could leave Prim and I to fend for ourselves. Now there's no Prim, so perhaps there's less of a reason to try and survive. I feel like there's hardly anything left of me. And if there is, is it worth saving? The overwhelming wave of loss engulfs me again. I am drowning, even when my tears run dry. 

The days grow longer, not just from more daylight, but ever so slowly I take on more activity and spend less time in 'the chair'. I work up going to the forest once, sometimes even twice a week. Maybe it's that hope is more prevalent in the district, because the freedom and energy I used to feel in these woods has waned. I tell myself that without the pressures of putting food on the table, perhaps there's less thrill in hunting, if you can call it that. I faithfully gather berries, herbs and some roots; fish a bit; and pick off small game with my bow. I know better than to attempt anything large. Beside not being able to carry back any significant haul, my hunting skills, save my accuracy, seem to be lacking now that I'm missing my other half.

My mother had spoken of miners that were amputees and how they sometimes would suffer from 'phantom limbs'. They would try and use their limbs that were no longer there, or even suffer pain from them. Similarly, when I am too focused I find myself pointing out game to the shadows and using hand signals to communicate only to the wind. It happens more than once on every trip and every few days around the house or district I've turned to share something with Gale, only to recall he's gone. 


	3. Chapter 3 - Hold on to what you believe

Chapter 3 – Hold on to what you believe

 _"And now this land_  
 _Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees_  
 _At every turn_  
 _The water runs away from me and the halo disappears_  
 _I'm not whole when you're not here"_

 _Hold on to what you believe - Mumford & Sons_

Katniss' POV

District 12 decides to undertake a commemoration for those that died in the bombing of the District at the end of the Quarter Quell. It will fall on the 2nd year anniversary of the bombing. The new mayor, Flint Cooperton, pays me a visit to ask if I would participate in the ceremonies, but it still feels so raw. I know he knew my Dad well. Flint was his crew supervisor, so it does pain me to look into his sympathetic eyes and tell him "I can't." How could I possibly honor these dead, when I feel so responsible for bringing the Capitol's terror on these innocent people? To my relief Peeta realizes that one of us should speak. Of course, he is the better speaker, but it won't be easy, as I guiltily remember he lost his family on that dreadful night.

The weeks of preparation go by quickly enough. I avoid it for the most part, but sometimes catch the blossoming set up in the square as I make my way to the woods. There are a few nights too where I listen and help Peeta hone his speech. It's not much, but it is something we can work on together. Thankfully listening is not too taxing on me, though I still often feel awkward around Peeta. Only once when we were working together did he bolt up, startled and panicked like a rabbit when it realizes it's been snared. He started perspiring and wildly looking around, like he needed to escape. He excused himself and returned home hastily. Shortly afterwards, I heard his door open and close, admitting someone inside.

xxxxx  
The day before the ceremony, I'm returning from the woods with a lone squirrel clipped on my belt and round the path to the Victor Village. I stop dead in my tracks, my heart in my throat as I see Gale at my door from a distance. He give a slow disappointed shake of his head when no one answers the door and turns to step down off of the porch. But it's like a flashback, because it's not the Gale that left me in the Capitol, it's the lanky 14 year old Gale I first met all those years ago in the woods. My heart finally beats again as my confusion fades, Oh my God, that's Rory, not Gale!

"Rory!" I call out, as I jog up to him. I'm still pretty out of shape, so even though it's less than 20 yards, I'm a little out of breath when I reach him. He gives me a goofy grin when he sees me, but it doesn't fully displace the melancholy in his eyes. I remember being able to read grey eyes so much like these. He stoops down so we can embrace each other. When I pull back, I take in his full height and comment "Wow, looks like whatever they're feeding you in District 2 is agreeing with you! You've shot up like a weed!" He shrugs it off with a chuckle. "Yeah, I guess, but there ain't enough squirrel there if you ask me," he says eyeing mine with a smirk.

I see now his hair is still two shades lighter than Gale's and baby fine. Also close up I can see that he inherited more of Hazelle's chin instead of Gale's chiseled jaw. Still the similarities are striking, and paired with the familiar mannerisms, it's downright unsettling. I clear my throat and glance around, "Is the whole family here for the commemoration?" He tentatively meets my eyes " 'Cept for Gale, yeah." I nod, feeling a little relieved, but mostly disappointed at the same time.

He sighs as he continues "I talked my mom into coming, I felt I needed to come back to say good bye to ... some people. We debated, but in the end we thought this would help us, well mostly me... move on." I feel a little panic attack coming on, I think 'How can anyone move on?' He must sense this, and he gives my arm a squeeze, then says "You want to sit?" He leads me back to the porch where we settle on the steps. I think I should invite him into the house, but I can't quite gather the energy or the nerve to.

We sit quietly for a minute before he breaks the silence, "It's actually really hard being back here. There are memories and ghosts around every corner. Even if the buildings are gone, I still feel the people are are here." I nod, staring at the rip in my pant as if it were the most fascinating thing in the District. Dr. Aurelius must have drilled something into my head. Uncharacteristically, I hear myself say "Do you want to talk about it?" He gives a breathy snort with a half-hearted smile as he says, "I'm a Hawthorne, you know we don't _do_ that _."_ But then he does, and his voice is just a low whisper when he says "I miss Prim so much." I wrap my arms around him now and we hold each other for a minute. I realize I am crying too.

After a few moments he straightens his back a bit and staring at out across the way and admits "When Gale told me about... the bomb... his bomb, I... I lost it... I started punching him, really railing into him, like that would make a difference... like it could bring her back."  
"What did he do?" I ask, knowing the damage Gale could inflict on Rory if he put him in his place.  
"Nothing! Nothing... He didn't do a thing. He didn't defend himself. Not once, and I must have pummeled him for, I don't know, it seemed like half an hour. He just stood there and kept taking it." He swallows and squeezes his index finger and thumb across his eyes stopping on the bridge of his nose before he says "I actually broke his nose..."  
"Did it make you feel any better?" I wonder out loud.  
"No, I thought it would, but it didn't. Nothing makes me feel better really."  
I nod in silent agreement.  
He snorts as he recalls " A couple of weeks ago I tried smokin' the leaf with some kids from school. But somehow Gale found out."  
"Did he beat the crap out of you?" I ask on a hunch.  
"No, but when he was done lecturing me, I wished he'd done that instead."

After a beat he adds, "Gales trying to get me to listen to music. It works a little, I'm able to use music to take me away temporarily, but reality is still there afterwards."  
There's nothing I can say to refute this, so I let silence take over again leaving each of us with our own miserable thoughts.

It's a few moments before I ask "How long are you guys staying? I'd love to see Hazelle and the kids."  
"Just two days, heading back on the Sunday Noon train. We've all got school Monday."  
I swallow and put myself out there before I can change my mind "Would you guys like to come over for breakfast Sunday before you go back?"  
Rory nods with a warm smile saying "That would be great, I think everyone would lo...", but gets cut off by the beeping of his phone. "...love to". He checks his texts and says "I'm to meet them to check out the new Hob."

We make arrangements for Sunday. Before he leaves, he makes sure to bend down so he can look me in the eye and says "We're gonna be okay, right?" before he turns on his heel and makes his way to the Hob.

The next day is hot, but considered mild for the season. Everyone dons their finest, reminiscent of a reaping, but without the despair. The commemoration starts out solemn, but Flint has worked hard to ensure that it is also a celebration of life for those that lost their lives that day, and in the months of the rebellion. There are just so many people to honor, mostly innocent people whose lives were sacrificed. He lightens the mood by telling a few funny anecdotes about Mayor Undersee and how he was always losing his glasses, but knew how to keep everything else in the District in order.

The funds available to build a memorial are limited, so they allocate one of the external walls of city hall as a projector screen. They set up three projectors that scroll through the names and a few photos of our fallen District mates with some beautiful instrumental music to accompany it. They'll project the names every evening they have power until they find the resources for a more permanent memorial. It's a tasteful commemoration for the community. It serves as a focal point for people to leave flowers, candles and notes for their loved ones. Among the mementos is a faded red bandana surrounding a handful of foxglove, a small notebook with a candle, a family photo with a note and from me a small primrose and fireweed bouquet.

There's mention of those that helped save the survivors that went to District 13. Gale and Thom are among the few that are named as being instrumental in getting as many people as they could to safety. Flint brings Thom on stage and give him a medal, much like the one they gave us to commemorate the death of our fathers. Rory's called up to receive the one in Gale's stead. Haymitch said there's talk of naming something in town after each of them.

I sit dutifully on stage next to Peeta looking out at a sea of hopeful neighbors with the new flag of the country waving as a backdrop. When the time comes I give Peeta's hand a supportive squeeze as he stands up to mount the podium. His strong voice carries over the square talking about sacrifice, rebirth and hope. Peeta reminds the crowd that although he has experienced the twisted actions of the Snow's government clawing to keep their power and the horrors of war, he also understands the human capacity for healing and forgiveness. Our resiliance and industriousness are key in the revitalization of our District and of ourselves. He points out people in the crowd that are spearheading rebuilding efforts and talks about how we can reinvent ourselves, our district and the country. It's so moving and inspirational that I almost start to believe it myself.

Afterwards there are other official events, but I busy myself in preparing for my breakfast guests. The only people that have even crossed the threshold are Sae, Haymitch and Peeta. They have been kind enough to tolerate the build up of debris that has accumulated. I owe it to the Hawthornes to tidy up the place and I buy a few staples at the market. I even commit myself t o making something to edible for my guests.

xxxx  
Morning comes and the Hawthornes are right on time. I open the door to Rory and Hazelle, with Vick fidgeting to the side. Posy is tucked behind Hazelle's skirt shying away. I put on my freshly practiced smile and give Rory a quick hug. In turn, Hazelle draws me into a tight embrace. It's a 'Hazelle hug', one that she reserves for family; they're long, deliberate and comforting. This one lasts at least 30 seconds and conveys volumes of meaning: Are you alright? We've missed you. You don't need to fake it with us. We're here for you. We love you.

When we break apart, her eyes have a sheen of tears that she quickly blinks back. I turn to Vick and snag a hug, reminding him that I can barely recognize him as the Vick-I-know now. Meanwhile, Hazelle has been working to extract Posy from her leg. "Posy is pulling her shy routine, but she'll warm up." Her big grey eyes peek out momentarily from behind her mother, then retreat quickly again.

Rory leads the way inside, exclaiming "Since when do you cook? It smells amazing!" It had been more of Prim's job to make meals, my role was more of a provider. I accept the compliment for the simple spread, and motion for them to start helping themselves. The boys don't need to be told twice, and Hazelle works on setting up Posy with a plate before serving herself.

We settle into some easy small talk about school and their new lives in District 2. Hazelle was able to get a job at the school where Vick and Posy attend. Between her salary and a contribution from Gale's army stipend they can afford row home not far from Gale's quarters, both walkable to a little downtown area.

When I ask the kids what they like most about 2, Vick doesn't hesitate, "I like my new school. It's a lot nicer than the one we had here...and it definitely smells better than that dump where we studied in 13." I think to myself that the old school here sets a pretty low bar, and I certainly can't vouch for the aroma of anyplace in 13. I look to Posy and she says "I like the neighbor Mr. Charles!" Hazelle nods and explains with a soft smile "Mr. Charles lives a few houses down from us. I do his laundry and in exchange he's been giving Vick and Posy piano lessons."

Posy pipes in with "I have talents, you know!" Which coaxes a smile from me and prompts me to inquire "I bet you do, tell me about them!"  
"Well," she says placing one hand on her hip for effect, "one talent is, I can play piano." Behind her Rory rolls his eyes. Then she adds "My second talent is I can make myself look like a bubble!" To this Rory stifles his laugh, but Vick is less successful. Posy responds by shooting Vick a look with a scrunched up nose, like that will really show him.

Vick is saved by a knock on the door. It's Peeta, he's come by to welcome them with warm cheese rolls and some pastries. Of course he has. After greeting everyone, Peeta, Vick and Rory fall into an animated conversation about whatever it is boys talk about.

I remember there are some dolls Prim kept around and entice Posy into the living room to find them with Hazelle in tow. I unearth one of Prim's favorites from the bottom of a wardrobe and tell Posy that I want her to have it. Her round face lights up and she says "Really? I love it!" Hazelle reminds her of her manners and she adds "Thank you Katniss." She looks lovingly at her new friend and then she says "I miss Prim". My breath goes out of me, so I can only whisper back "Yeah, me too." Hazelle gives us both a squeeze and murmurs "We all miss Prim."

Posy nods, but then goes about finding a few other dolls and accessories to entertain herself, and Hazelle turns to me and confides "As you might expect, Rory's having a hard time of it all. I do think being in Two helps him keep his mind off of her more. You know, when you're ready, you should visit us." I feel my brow furrow, and she responds by taking my hand in hers and giving it a gentle squeeze and repeating with a small smile "When you're ready."

Hazelle makes her way back to the kitchen for a pastry and to catch up with Peeta, while I try to keep up with Posy's chatter. Rory comes into the living room. He looks like he hasn't had a good night's sleep in weeks. We have a few exchanges about the commemoration ceremony. He comments on the inspirational tone of Flint and Peeta's talks. We make some small talk about a few folks we know that are trying life anew in other districts.

He takes his phone out of his pocket to check the time. I don't know what makes me do it, but I suddenly ask "Ror, can you do me a favor?"

"Uh, sure, anything, what is it?"

"Can you call Gale for me on your phone?"

He nods knowingly, and the touch of a button later, hands me his phone and encouraging Posy out of the room with a promise of fresh berries.

I swallow nervously as it rings, then the connection picks up, and my throat goes dry, in exchange my palms flare up with a quick sweat. I hear Gale's upbeat voice on the other end "Hey Bro! How's 12, ready to move back there?" It takes me a second to be able to get my breath back. It's a long enough pause that he says "Hello? You there?" Finally, I force out "Hey Gale", now it's his turn to collect himself. There's a slip of silence, before he whispers "Katniss."

"Yeah, it's me."

"Uh, hey...I... I thought it'd be Rory."

"Well, that make sense." I say awkwardly.

There's another pause. "I gotta tell you, I wasn't sure we'd ever talk again." He admits straightaway.

"I know," I say as I swallow, "me neither... I actually tried to write to you once, well a few times that one time... but... there's too much..." I choke out.

I can practically hear him nodding through the phone, "Mmm hmm... I considered coming back with them, but I just started something pretty intense here, so leave's hard to get... Besides, I was pretty sure you wouldn't want to see me."

"I guess in total honesty, that it depends on the day."

"Fair enough" he says, his voice cracking slightly.

"I can't take too long now, your family's still here, I should get them off to the train. But maybe we can talk tonight or tomorrow?"

"Yeah, that would be great. I should be free tonight after 7 or so, I can call you then."

Our brief interaction has shaken me up a bit, even if I was the one that instigated it. I take few deep breaths before I return to my guests.

I sidle up to Rory while he's corralling a spill of berries in the kitchen. I hand him back his phone and give him 'thanks' in the form of a nod. He gives my face a quick inspection as he manages a small but genuine smile.

I wrap up the remaining berries and the extra pastries for Hazelle and the kids for the train ride. As I usher them out the door I remember a package of frozen squirrel meat that I slip to Rory. On the porch I hug each of them in turn, savoring these moments with what had been my second family. As Hazelle releases me she says, "Don't forget my offer, we'd love for you to come to District 2."

Peeta has gracefully remained in the background as I navigate this emotional farewell. But as I watch the Hawthornes pass out of the gate of my garden he steps up to my side. "You okay?" The concern is evident in his voice. I must be more shaken than I thought. "Yeah, it's just a lot to see them. I hadn't realized how much I miss them. Being around them seemed so natural. I forgot how much like family they were for us."

Peeta nods quietly and gives me a careful hug. I can feel his soft breath in my hair before we separate. I give him a half smile and say "Hey, thanks for joining us. And thanks for the cheese buns and pastries, they were a big hit!"  
"Yeah, no worries, I know how important they are to you... I meant the Hawthornes, not the cheese buns - though I know those are important to you too," he says with a smile.

We retreat inside and clean up the dishes, while we talk about the ceremony and the tidbits of gossip we've picked up over the course of the weekend. He surprises me a little by saying, "I feel like a hypocrite."  
"What do you mean?" I question.  
"That whole speech about rebuilding and what not."  
"I thought it was actually very inspiring, you've reminded us that there's hope for something better than what we had. I don't know maybe it all needs to be torn down to be able to really improve it."  
"I guess"  
"What? Are you saying you don't believe what you said?" I'm shocked.  
"Well, I believe it for other folks." he says sheepishly.  
"And what about for yourself? What does the future look like for you?"  
His eyes flick away from mine for a second, like something crossed his mind that he was going to say, but then decided he doesn't want to share and then he blinks before he makes eye contact again.  
"I don't know, there's really only one thing I know how to do. That's baking."

"Do you like it? If not, think of something else."

"I actually love it! There's something therapeutic about it, there's physical aspect to it and chemical reactions, which is neat. It's very satisfying to create something from pretty much nothing."  
"I had no idea! So why not start a bakery? It could be part of your family's legacy."

"A bakery is a lot of work. It took the five of us working practically every day to run that place," he says sentimentally.

"Yeah, but it probably didn't start out that way." I posit.

"I guess you're right. When I think of the bakery, I think of the bakery as it was two years ago. There were so many types of baked goods, it seemed overwhelming. It took our whole family to run it. But I guess I forget that it grew over-time, my parents didn't always sell all those breads, pastries and cakes."

"I think it's a fabulous idea! I'd like a standing order of cheese buns, please!" I jest. "But really I think it's a great idea on a few levels. Town could really use some place with bread... you know _real_ bread, maybe even sandwiches! More importantly I think it would be great for you. You can remember your family, but also put your talents to good use. I know the few times I've been busy and productive, I feel a little bit better."

He's encouraged and says, "You can help too! There would be so much to do to get it started and to keep it running!"

"If you need me to, I guess I could" I say reticently, though I don't know what I could do to help.

"Trust me there's plenty that you could help with...I could kiss you right now!" And he looks like he might.

I joke it off nervously, "Hah! You might get jipped, I think you should get me to do some work first!"

He takes my comment good naturedly, not willing to press or talk about it, for which I am thankful. But it gets me thinking about the last kiss we shared in the Arena. It certainly was passionate, fueled by adrenaline and heightened emotion. We truly believed that we'd said our last good byes to everyone we knew and that likely one or both of us would be dead in 24 hours. I wouldn't say it was desperate, but it was certainly fueled by desperation.

After a little more tidying up he excuses himself and heads back to his house. I am exhausted but content. I retire to my chair for an afternoon cat nap.


	4. Chapter 4 - No Surprise

"Our favorite place we used to go,  
The warm embrace no one knows,  
The loving look that's left your eyes,  
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise."

 _No Surprise - Daughtry_

Gale's POV  
I hang up the phone. My hands are trembling slightly, probably because my heart is still doing double-time. I'm pretty sure I'm not dreaming. Katniss called me. After everything that has happened, everything I did. She called me. She actually called me. _**SHE**_ called _**ME**_. I take a full breath and admit to myself that there's nothing I've wanted more and nothing she needs less, than her calling me.

I sit back down and try and remind myself of my vow, that like a surgery to remove diseased flesh from an otherwise healthy body, I need to extract myself from Katniss' life. It might be acutely painful for both of us but I don't want to be guilty of continuing to infect her with the dark in me. I've already done enough damage.

I know I'm grasping at the shreds of hope that maybe I could help her. But if she's reaching out to me... Given her family history and knowing her boundless capacity for loving Prim, her grief must be virtually bottomless. Rationally, I know I should just have hung up the telephone and not reconnected, not even started down this path. I'm mentally pretty strong, but I know, she'll always be my weakness. The second I registered her voice, my heart won over my mind.

No matter all the other history, we're still best friends... like family, right? I'd like to believe that I know her well enough to be able to guide her towards recovery. Wouldn't it be better to do so directly, rather than those surreptitious phone calls to Sae and not to mention the useless ones to Haymitch?

At the very least I owe her a call tonight. I said I would, and like my Dad taught me, I make good on my promises.

Xxxx  
Katniss' POV  
I rouse from my nap in the early evening, and heat up a little dinner for myself. It's almost time for Gale to call. I'm a little nervous since I am not exactly sure who he is to me now... he's no longer my hunting partner. In a way he took away what was so dear to me, how could I trust him? How could I even face him? But I remind myself of how we were all manipulated and used for others' schemes, forced sometimes unknowingly to do unspeakable things.

The telephone ring breaks the silence. I stare at it for two rings before I can get my hand to pick up the receiver. At first I am afraid it will be too hard to hear over my heart pounding. But I take a calming breath before I greet him with a quiet "Hello."  
"Hey, sorry I got delayed a few minutes." His familiar voice is immediately soothing and calming.

"No problem, I don't exactly run on a tight schedule these days. It was Effie's job to do all that."

He laughs a little, "Heh, okay."

"Did your family get back alright?"

"Yeah, they got in a little while ago. I just got back from checking in on them. They had a good visit overall. Sounds like there's lots of good things happening in 12. Thanks for inviting them over, they loved seeing you again!"

"It was really great to spend time with them. I don't have to tell you that the kids are really getting big. I didn't even realize I missed them, and of course your ma. Gosh, Rory's practically your clone!"

"Yeah, unfortunately for him. Everyone's growing - both up and out. It's probably the first time in a long time... or who am I kidding, maybe ever. They're finally eating food everyday. It's not game, but at least it's real food, not that engineered slop from 13."

"Hmm, I heard you had a favorite dessert there." I slip in.

"Really? Well, I guess some would say I had an addiction for their chocolate pudding, I'd say it was more of a soft spot. It was practically the only edible thing they served in that dungeon... What do you mean you heard about it? Didn't we eat together?"

"Well, I guess I wasn't too observant then. I suppose in truth I read about it." I admit.

"Now I'm really intrigued!" He says with mock shock and a terrible Capitol accent.

"Ha, don't worry, it wasn't in the newspaper or anything."

"If it was it wouldn't surprise me, here they seem to print every little morsel of gossip around here, like if you like beets better than peas!"

"No, it's not like that. My mom sent home some of our things from 13, I guess when she left there. There's some of Prim's schoolwork there and some of notes between the two of you."

"Mmm hmm" He hums in acknowledgement, like that's totally normal - both the notes and the news that my mom left 13, but didn't come to 12.

"So, I gotta know, what's the code?"

"Huh? What code?" Now he sounds perplexed.

"At the bottom of her math homework it would have letters and numbers... I dunno, like OO 7 9 DP 10, stuff like that."

"Oh that's nothing. S for simplify, OO means order of operations, DP is short for distributive property. No need to write it all out. Just like you used to tell me, I am always efficient with words, maybe overly so."

"Oh...I didn't know you were helping her with her homework."

"Yeah, I started helping her alongside Rory when you went off to the games or if you were on the Victory Tour, whatever. By the time we were in 13 it was just routine to meet up a couple of times a week, but because of their schedules she and Rory were assigned to different classes, so we met up separately most times."

"Oh! I feel like I should have helped. Or, I don't know, even known about it." I have a nagging feeling like I should thank him, but I can't quite do it.

He excuses my comment by saying, "Well, you had lots going on."

"But it wasn't your burden to.."

He interrupts me, "It wasn't a burden... ever. Hell, she wasn't a pain in the backside like Rory can get. And I don't have to tell you that even an ornery Prim was still nicer to be around than 99% of the population having a good day."

This conversation is making my heart hurt. I work on a few breaths, fish out the rope from Finnick, start knotting, and change the subject.

"I saw something else in your notes that I wondered about."

"What's that?"

"Who are Bristol and Willow are they from 13?"

He pauses, and exhales loudly. If I know him he just raked his hand through his hair, "Bristol was on my crew, a really great guy. He's a couple of years older than me, you would have liked him. When Thom and I started on the east flank crew he took us under his wing - giving us tips about which jobs earned respect, and which ones to avoid because they were just downright crappy. He told us which miners to mind and which to ignore. Sometimes he'd have a few of us over for some homebrew beer."

Gale gets along with most guys, but he only lets a few people into his heart. I guess we're alike that way, at least about the latter part anyway. I can tell already that Bristol's one of "the few", the lucky. "Hmmm...I didn't even know you and Thom were on the same crew." I say inwardly cringing that I didn't know this about him.

"Well, you and I didn't talk about working in the mines back then. " He gives a short huff when he says "We thought it was the worst thing in the world...well, it still might be close to the bottom, but at least for certain we know it's not _the_ worst."

"Speak for yourself, even now the thought of you guys down there terrifies me."

"That's saying a lot, I've watched you in a few too many hairy situations."

I clear my throat instead of picking up that thread of conversation. "Anyway, I don't think you were finished your story."

He snorts a little when he remembers "Well, I first heard about the rebellion movement in 12 from Bristol. You can imagine I felt like I had found _my_ people! I was relieved to find out there were people that finally wanted to take action. I could finally put my energy into something proactive. They were still working on getting intel and finally starting to hatch a plan. They weren't looped into everything that Haymitch and the Victors were working on."

He continues, "So, anyway, the night of the quell, after you, you know, exploded the arena, the power goes out immediately. My family and I were with Prim and your mom at your Victor House."

He draws a deep breath, "I had a bad feeling." When Gale has a gut feeling, I know well enough to go along with it too. It's saved our hides a few times, in the woods or at the Hob. "I told Ma to take the kids and head home and pack up just the most important things and some food. If I wasn't home in half an hour she should just take the kids to the meadow - tell them it's for stargazing or something."

"I had your mom and Prim do the same. Once they gathered their stuff I walked them to the Seam and sent them to meet my mom at my house. By that time the first hovercrafts were arriving with the bombs, I couldn't believe how fast they got there. I started banging on doors and telling people to get out and head to the meadow. I made sure to find Thom and we're yelling up a storm directing folks to grab lanterns, food and getting them out. It wasn't like the bombing run we saw when we were in District 8, they didn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to the bombing. Besides maybe the Undersees', I don't think that they had specific targets, they just wanted to obliterate us."

I remember seeing the destruction when we visited the District from 13. But it's no less visceral hearing Gale tell it now. I can hear his voice straining as he's reliving that night.

He sighs heavily, "Anyway, at the same time Thom and I look at each other and yell 'Bristol!' We race over there, they lived behind the forge. As we turn the corner, we see their place has pretty much taken a direct hit. Half of it is on fire, the timbers have flames and are falling in. We go in as far as we can to look, but the one wall was coming down. But then we hear people trapped behind it yelling. Thom gets something - I dunno if it was a chair or a small table or what - and he starts battering down the wall. Once he makes an opening large enough I push my way in. The first one I get to is his sister Willow, I don't know, she's probably around your age."

"Then Thom goes brings out a younger brother, I think his name was Cole. He was a classmate of Vick's. I head back for Bris, but when I find him he's pinned by the support beam when it came down. He wasn't even conscious anymore. I tried to push it off him, but the other roof support failed. I keep trying to move it off of him, but finally Thom had to drag me out of there." He pauses to catch his breath a little before he goes on, "So we end up having to leave Bris, and head to the meadow with his siblings. They're both burned pretty badly. In the meadow, I find your and my families and ask Prim to see what she can do for them. I recruit Thom and a few other miners to take down the fence where you and I normally used go through. I lead them down to the lake you showed me. A few of the bombs strayed into the meadow and the edge of the forest, but we're able to make our way without much light, though we were slow. Like so many others, in the end, even with Prim's help, Cole's burned too badly to make it. So Willow ends up in 13 with no family, she's pretty shaken. I check on her a few times when we first arrive. But then she gets this complex over me and starts showing up everywhere and following me around because she thinks I saved her life."

"Well, I agree, it sounds like you did save her life." Once in a blue moon Gale does this modesty thing. I don't know which is worse the seldom seen overdone humility or the typical cocky Gale I know so well.

"Yeah, okay, maybe I did, but to be honest, I'd prefer to be repaid by *not* being stalked, thank you very much!"

He's silent for a spell before he practically whispers "Anyway, I seem to have more of a talent for ending lives, not saving them."

The burn of tears in my eyes is immediate and my heart feels raw as I think of Prim. I certainly can't defend his good deeds in light of this admission. Instead I confess "I have to tell you, sometimes I hate you."

"I don't blame you. You have every right to, and you _**should**_ hate me." His voice is gruff now.

"I don't know. I read somewhere that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

"Well, I guess I've got that going for me."

I don't have it in me to talk about this anymore, "I think I gotta go."

"'Kay."

There's nothing left to say except "Bye", so I say it. My heart feels like it's being ripped out, though I'm not sure if it's from the loss of Prim or of Gale, or both. I'm wondering if I want that to be the last time we ever speak as I put the receiver down.  
XXXX

Gale's POV  
Shit! Shit! And Shit! I guess that answers the question of if we should reconnect or not. It was naive and stupid of me to think I could play any part in helping her, given the role I had in creating that grief in the first place. The thought of her linking Prim's death to me is crushing, but understandable. Hell, I do. She's better off away from me, with Mellark even. At least I know he'll take care of her.

There's a little more ache in my chest as I wonder if that conversation is the closing door to that chapter of my life. Could I have said or done anything differently? Not in that conversation, I reason it would take a LOT more undoing to change the outcome.

It's certainly not my first choice, but that also means fate's opened the door for me to concentrate fully on the squad's new mission. I think I can lead this thing, if I play my cards right. It's hardly what I would call a consolation prize, but if I were a betting man, I wouldn't put any money down on getting another call from Katniss.


	5. Chapter 5 - No winnable war

Chapter 5 – No winnable war

A/N – The idea of this chapter was the seed of this whole story, but in the end, I feel like I didn't quite nail it. You get the idea though, and hopefully you'll stick with the story even after reading this chapter.

"There's no such thing as a winnable war

It's a lie we don't believe anymore

Mr. Reagan says we will protect you

I don't subscribe to this point of view

Believe me when I say to you

I hope the Russians love their children too"

Russians - Sting

Peeta POV  
It's great being out of 13, and even better bring back home. Even though my family didn't make it out, I still dream of making a life and my own family here in 12. It's more than nostalgia that draws me back here, but a firm rootedness that helps me feel more stable, more confident, and more hopeful. My flashbacks of the Capitol are recurring, but there's no getting around those, and I can't think of any place I'd rather recover and create new memories. Granted there's been a lot of destruction, but people are pooling resources and working together to restart their lives. Many of the merchants must feel the same, it seems like a lot of them returned. I think hard work and hope sill get us far.

Of course one of the things I like best, is that Katniss is here. She's still struggling with the end of the war and Prim's death, and though she won't admit it out loud, she's devastated at the virtual loss of both her mother and Gale. Every day or two I check in on her or she checks on me. Today I'm eager to confide in her that I want to start up a baking business.

"I'm trying to figure out how to get started. Can I just start baking and selling? Like from my house?" I admit, I have no idea where to start. I didn't inherit much of my mother's business sense.  
"Well, you could." She says considering it, "Your family's bakery had a good reputation with folks that lived here before, but maybe you want to be more in front of people."  
"Yeah, it'll be a while before I can afford to buy or even rent a building, even with the new revitalization programs. I thought about selling from a cart, which would work for the warmer seasons, but it sounds miserable in the rain and the cold. Can you even imagine me out there selling in the winter?"  
"No definitely not." She says, a little too definitively, but then she adds, "Have you heard of the Hob?"  
"Uh, yeah, I've heard of it - well before, but don't know anything about it. Do you?"  
"Actually, that was a huge part of my life and livelihood before... before the first games."  
"Really? You're kidding! Wasn't it dangerous there?"  
"Ha! No, we were there at least four times a week - buying or selling, or just hanging out." I wonder who 'we' refers to, I'm pretty sure I know and decide not to dwell on it.  
"Oh, I thought it was all black market stuff."  
"No! No,", she laughs, "So maybe not all of it was totally above board, but they sold all sorts of provisions. Things we needed - oil, wire, used goods, salt, food. You could barter there with game, herbs, berries sometimes... whatever really. Most town merchants needed payment in coins, they weren't like your Dad. Even if we wanted to get something from a merchant in town, we needed to exchange at the Hob first to get coins."  
She's got a faint smile on her lips as she gets a little lost in the memory, the she continues, "They're building a new one now with stalls and everything. Flint's working to make it a real marketplace. I don't think it's that pricey to get a stall there. If you're interested I can find out for you."  
"Would you? That would be great! I'm still figuring out what I'll make and sell. Since it'll just be me baking and doing it out of the kitchen, it'll just be a few things. What do you think? Loaves of bread for sure, then what else?"

She strategizes "Maybe you can do a few standard types of bread then do something special each day of the week - like cookies on Monday cheese buns on Tuesday. That would introduce some variety."

"That's a great idea! Then it's not so overwhelming to bake different things." I'm feeling pleased with the progress of these plans.

I go out on a limb, "Any chance you'd want to help me?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure you want me baking." She jests with a small smile, "I guess I need to keep busy too. Maybe a day or two I can help sell stuff. "

"I would love that! I really would." I react on instinct, so before I even know what I'm doing I'm leaning in to kiss her. It's warm and gentle, just like I've been thinking of. Afterwards, she tips her head down so I kiss her forehead, and then she whispers "I'm not up for that quite yet."

I answer, "Okay, whenever you're ready." And I mean it, I'll give her as long as it takes.

XXX  
Katniss POV  
I replay the kiss with Peeta in my mind. It was nice, comforting even and I know I do care for him deeply. Somehow, I feel like there's just not quite of _me_ yet, to be able to share with someone else. I can see with time, our friendship could grow to be more. He's kind, patient, funny and caring, maybe we could even be a 'happy ever after'. Wouldn't that be ironic given the whole star-crossed lovers charade? But right now I recognize I still need to work on finding or repairing myself.

When I'm ready I return to look at our things from 13. There's another notebook below the Algebra one, this one a blue one labeled Language Arts. She's decorated it with fanciful doodles, I wonder if that was at the expense of paying attention in class, like I used to do.

This notebook has dividers, marking out 4 sections of the notebook. It looks like each section is for one assignment with multiple drafts. I glance at the typed assignment sheets: the first is a literature review, the second is an essay; the third a play and the last is a parody. I'm drawn to the work on the essay. The topic is the four ancient virtues: justice, wisdom, courage, and temperance. Scribbled on the assignment sheet is a note from Prim followed by Gale's block print response.

G-  
Help! What do I know about these things? Nothing!  
Ugh! Where do I start?  
-LD

P-  
IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, YOU HAD PLENTY TO SAY ON THESE TOPICS WHEN WE WATCHED KAT IN THE GAMES. FOR BETTER OR WORSE MY "RANTING" MAY HAVE BEEN CONTAGIOUS. WE JUST USED DIFFERENT WORDS: WHAT IS FAIRNESS AND WHAT IS UNJUST, BRAVERY AND COWARDICE, KNOWLEDGE VS WISDOM/ACTING ON THAT KNOWLEGE AND SELF-CONTROL (TEMPERENCE) AMONG OTHER THINGS.

IT MIGHT BE EASIER TO THINK OF EXAMPLES IN YOUR LIFE AS A STARTING POINT. WHICH VIRTUE(S) ARE HARD FOR YOU? WHICH ONES ARE EASIER? IS THERE ONE THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT? I'VE GOT TRAINING NOW, BUT IF YOU ARE ABLE TO PUT SOME IDEAS DOWN ON PAPER I CAN READ THRU IT AND RESPOND LATER TONIGHT OR TOMORROW.  
-G

On the first version Prim mostly has notes and some draft sentences down where she knows what she wants to say. Unsurprisingly, the last page is a note with Gales' comments below.

Notes include:  
Fairness/Justice \- Life isn't fair. How was it that District life was so hard, but only the Capitol seemed to benefit from our miners' labors? Why did Districts have to have their children reaped, when it's been so long that they didn't have anything to do with the first rebellion? The Capitol's injustices fueled the fire for the current rebellion. Out of the virtues, this one might be the easiest for me. It's the way Dad, Mom, and Katniss (and you too!) raised me.

They've structured life in 13 more fair. It's no picnic down here, but at least I feel like you know what to expect and it's expected of most folks equally. Maybe you and Kat are different, they seem to expect lots from you guys in particular. Can you have freedom without being fair and just?

YOU'VE BEEN WITNESS TO LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF INJUSTICE IN 12. MAKE SURE TO TALK ABOUT 1 OR 2 OF THEM SPECIFICALLY. GOOD QUESTION ON FREEDOM, I NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT. IN EXCHANGE, SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT - DOES FAIR ALWAYS MEAN EQUAL?

Bravery/Cowardice \- the ability to confront fear, uncertainty, and intimidation. This might be the hardest virtue for me. Katniss is the bravest person I know, but what example to use? DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT, SHORTIE :) YOU ARE PLENTY BRAVE. IT RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY. OF COURSE, K IS IN A CLASS BY HERSELF HERE, WE KNOW THAT, BUT FACING SOME OF INJURIES YOU'VE HELPED YOU MOM AND THE MEDICAL STAFF HERE OUT WITH, THAT'S SOMETHING SHE (NOR PROBABLY I) COULD REALLY STEP UP TO. STANDING UP FOR SOMETHING DESPITE FEAR IS BRAVERY. JUST LAST WEEK YOU STOOD UP TO YOUR MOM WHEN YOU TOLD HER SHE WAS TOO TIRED TO TAKE THAT SECOND SHIFT. THAT TOOK GUTS – YOU KNEW SHE'D GET MAD, BUT YOU TOLD HER ANYWAY.

Knowledge of healing/wisdom- knowing all the facts about different herbs, poultices and how to apply them isn't everything to help a patient recover. The wisdom can come in the form of bedside manner, and being able to deliver news in a way that a patient understands its severity, but still has hope for recovery. There were a few townsfolk that came to see mom, because they said that even if Dr. Miller had all of that schooling, he wasn't very good with his patients. BINGO, THIS ONE IS GOOD, GO WITH IT.

I'M GOOD AT MAKING SNARES AND TRAPS - MAYBE TOO GOOD. NOTE: HUMILITY IS NOT ONE OF THESE VIRTUES :) I DESIGNED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A PRETTY CLEVER LETHAL WEAPON WITH BEETEE, BUT MY CONSCIENCE (AKA KATNISS) WAS THERE TO POINT OUT HOW IT PREYED ON HUMAN NATURE. IT'S AMAZING HOW EASY IT IS TO STEP OVER THE LINE WHEN YOU'RE SO FOCUSED ON THE END GAME. I REALIZE THAT WISDOM ISN'T JUST THE KNOWLEDGE OF SOMETHING, BUT ALSO THE FORESIGHT OF WHEN USING THE KNOWLEDGE OR TAKING ACTION ON IT IS ACCEPTABLE.

Temperance/Self Control - Like doing your homework before going out to play. What else, this seems like a lame example - do you have one, even just to give me an idea?  
YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED, THIS ONE IS THE CHALLENGE FOR ME - IT'S GOOD YOUR SISTER KEEPS ME IN CHECK. THIS SEEMS TO COME UP A LOT NOW THAT WE'RE IN A WAR. WHEN I FIRST THOUGHT ABOUT THE REBELLION, IT WAS ALL ABOUT FAIRNESS AND JUSTICE TO ME. THE DISTRICTS WOULD FIGHT TO HAVE MORE RIGHTS. FIGHTING THE CAPITOL WITH WHATEVER TACTICS WOULD BE FINE IF WE WON. IN MY MIND THE ENDS JUSTIFIED THE MEANS. BUT K ALWAYS REMINDS ME THAT WE'RE FIGHTING OTHER PEOPLE. MANY IN THE CAPITOL-ALLIED DISTRICTS HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY THE CAPITOL. BUT THEY'RE PEOPLE TOO - WITH MOTHERS, BROTHERS, SPOUSES, ETC.

Reading this exchange I'm reminded that even though Gale created that bomb, he tabled the plans for the weapon. Here he was still helping Prim, while I was dealing with my own demons. After all Snow and Coin cost me, will they succeed in taking my best friend from me still?

I'm torn though. Isn't he the one that left without a word? Without turning back? I feel my blood pressure rise as I think about how he made that bomb, killed my sister and then left me to pick up the shattered pieces of myself. But there's another quiet voice inside my head, it sounds like Prim even, in a calm tone it tries to tell me what I already know. "He never intended for that bomb to be used. He loved Prim like his own family."  
The other voice retorts, "He selfishly left because he didn't want to face me."  
Prim reminds me, "He didn't want to face you because he thought it would be more painful for _you_ not for him."

Xxx  
My urge to connect with him lasts all day. Finally in the evening I give in to it. I pick up the phone and dial the number for Gale that Rory left me. I don't know which is in a tighter knot, my heart or my stomach. It rings a couple of times before he picks up.

He answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hey"

"Katniss", he says in a revered whisper again – he can't believe I called again.

"Yeah, it's me"

I think I hear him swallow. "How are you holding up?"

"Surviving, I guess, if you can call it that... " I'm not to keen on getting into the details of my bleak existence, which he seems to understand when I ask "What about you? You know, your family actually didn't tell me much about what you're doing."

"It's really not that exciting."

"Oh. Did Sae say she saw you on television?"

"Oh that. That was a brief stint. They weren't too interested in my opinion, they just wanted a face from the rebellion to help smooth things over. But I think more needs to be done to repair things especially with the Districts that allied with the Capital. I think things were more complex than they just did whatever the Capital said. I have a hard time believing that they are content to just lay down arms because the Snow or Coin are done."

"Is that how you ended up in 2?"

He hesitates before he answers "Yeah," like he was going to say something else, but decided against it. It makes me wonder what or maybe who is the real reason that he picked that District, of all of the places to go.

"So what are you doing now?"

"Do you remember Major Tela from when we were in District 2?"

"Yeah, of course, he's the older guy, balding, with the kind eyes, right?"

"That's him. He's in charge here now. I'm assigned to a squad under him. That guy's solid. Did you know that he's from 8? He was mentored by Paylor."

"Do you ever see her?  
" I don't think she makes any special trips here, but when she's here she'll sometimes give us a pep talk."

"So what are you guys tasked with now that the rebellion is over?"

"Well, mostly clearing out and securing the Nut."

My stomache churns when I hear this, "How far have you gotten?"

"Well, so far it's been slow going, mostly moving debris and ensuring it's structurally stable. We haven't really reached the good stuff yet, but we're getting close... Why you wanna help?"

"No thanks, not really my skill set."

"I don't know about that. IT's not just brute labor but also trying to figure out if there's anywhere where bombs or traps could have been set. It's not all underground. We have some drawings of it that we review."

I'm reminded that it was a war on the Capitol's side as well.

"Ummm, not quite sold on it. What else are you doing?

"Okay, this one's kinda work related, kinda not...One of the things that I do like is that since the rebellion ended they've declassified tons of historical resources about life before Panem and even from other countries. Tela's been encouraging us to check it all out and learn about all sorts of ancient civilizations, pre-Panem stuff- read their stories and advancements, see their art even listen to their music. They want to learn from the mistakes from other cultures, some of it is fascinating!"

"Like what?" I wonder out loud.

"Hmm... I get a kick out of how each culture has its own stories to explain everything. Like how the earth was formed and where the stars, sun and moon came from or what they are. There's one moon legend that reminded me of you. Artemis or Diana, she's one of the ancient goddesses they worshipped."

I'm skeptical now, feeling a set up. But I take the bait, knowing there will be a punchline, "Oh yeah, why does she remind you of me?"

He snickers, "Well, I'm not sure if it's because she's the goddess of virgin maidens or if it's because she's the goddess of the hunt."

"Very funny, remind me I owe you a swift elbow to ribs."

He's still chuckling at his own lame joke, when he says "No really, her thing was archery. She's also the protector of the forest and hills. They have all of these artifacts that are thousands of years old with images of her. Maybe they'll have artifacts about you hundreds of years from now."

The thought makes me cringe. As a distraction I turn to look out the window as dusk starts to envelope the landscape. I see a sliver of crescent moon hanging against the darkening sky.

I respond, "Oh, I really hope not!" Anxious to change topics I fall back to the previous subject, "Speaking of the moon, it's a finger nail moon tonight."

I hear him rustling around, presumably making his way to a window. "Yeah, so it is," he says softly. I know he's thinking of his Dad ... or maybe he's remembering the end of that long, dusty day, with no haul when we spotted one from the top of the valley ridge and he confided in me the name his Dad had for that phase of the moon, "finger nail moon", I loved it. We hardly spoke of our fathers. I felt like he gave me that little morsel about his Dad as a consolation gift for a long day of hunting with no other reward.

There's something about looking up at the same moon as he is, even if he's hundreds of miles away that strengthens the connection. Maybe he feels it too.

We're quiet with our thoughts for a few moments before he breaks the silence, "I hate to cut this short, but I gotta be somewhere in a few minutes. Is there anything else? You okay?"

"Okay. Yeah, I'm okay."

"Really?"

"Really. I'm doin' okay," I insist.

He clears his throat, "I'm really glad you called me tonight." That's pretty much as close to a 'thank you' as Seam folk will give someone.

"Yeah, me too." We hang up. Despite all the stress and anxiety building up to that phone call, I have to admit I feel a little bit more calm and centered now. It's a small step, I concede, but I think it's forward motion, and I am glad for that.


	6. Chapter 6 - Blackbird Singing

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise."  
 _Blackbird - Beatles_

Katniss POV

Sae doesn't come every day like she used to. Thankfully she doesn't need to. Now she stops by two or three times a week or so. Half the time now (well, almost) I make her a meal and we enjoy it together. Undertaking any activity, even menial tasks, helps me to keep my mind off of things. Other times, I am still in wonder that life continues for others, when it seems to have all but stopped for me. Sae's visits provide a small reason to stretch beyond the confining walls of my grief.

Today she brings in a package along with her crooked smile. "Looks like someone remembered your birthday!"

She hands me a box addressed to me. I guess neither of us is too surprised that it's from the Hawthornes.  
"Well?" She says tipping her head at it, obviously curious enough about the contents to not care about being subtle.

I savor the moment of an unopened gift before my fingers search for the easiest way into the brown paper wrapping. Wrapped gifts were few and far between growing up. Inside there's a box labelled 'audio band' and an envelope. It looks like a sleek version of a head band that Cinna had me wear once, but it has a bump on each end. The instruction drawings show the band going behind your head not on top like Cinna's, and the bumps sit in your ears. It's for listening to music! There's more information about charging it and selecting music to listen to. Then there's a note from Rory:

 _Happy Birthday Katniss! Gale helped me buy this for you. We thought you could use some more music in your life._

 _I loaded some songs for you that have helped me._ _I can show you how to share music with me too. -Rory_

The envelope contains a separate note from Hazelle with two one-way train vouchers.

 _Katniss,_

 _Happy Birthday Sweetie! I thought a trip to see us in September would do you good, but feel free to use these to go wherever you want._ _Really, no obligation, you can use them to go wherever or whenever._

 _Love,_  
 _Hazelle_

The gentle smile on Sae's face when she reads the cards lets me know she more than approves of the gifts.

"So think you're up for taking a trip? I heard District 4 is nice in the fall."

I know she's trying to be coy. She probably still wishes on falling stars for Gale and I to be together. I never really was one for romance ironically, but perhaps that's part of how I fell into that fiasco of a charade, not being able to recognize the symptoms of the disease I was so deadset on avoiding.

Maybe spending time outside of 12 is a good idea. I might enjoy visiting Johanna, but I am not quite ready to address things with my mom or Annie, which I would feel obliged to do, or at least think about it, if I went to 4. I do know why Hazelle suggested the trip now. September 5th is the anniversary of the mining accident that took our fathers. Since then Hazelle has often been more of a mother to me than my own, and I think she could be right about having 'family' support on that day.

Once we're finished with lunch Sae bids me good bye with a birthday hug. I leave the dishes in the sink, since I am anxious to check out my new gift. I open the box and examine the contents. There's another note from Rory:

 _Katniss,_

 _I've started listening to a lot of different music. Some of it I found myself, a lot of it is from Gale from the declassified files. One thing Gale said was that since he's so sparing with his words he found it helpful to hear lyrics that are able to voice his thoughts and emotions. I guess I am the same way. Even if the pain or loss is still there, being able to identify it and examine it in a way makes it a little more bareable._

 _This music set has a few songs that remind me of Prim and a few that just sort of describe my unsettled state of mind. I hope they can help you too._

 _-Rory_

I suspect Gale had a larger role in this gift than the note implies. I diligently follow the instructions to plug in the charging unit that came with the audio band. There's a small screen and a mini keyboard. I'm thrilled when I'm able to bring up information on the set of songs with my limited technical ability.

I head for the refuge of my chair and close my eyes as I listen to the collection of music Rory sent. It's a very intense listening experience. The music is beautiful in its own right, but it's the lyrics that floor me. Some of it gives me shivers, it's as if the song writers can read my mind, but the lyrics are (thankfully) much more poetic than anything I could pull together. Other songs quite frankly just bring me to tears.

 _"Why must I live in dreams_  
 _Of the days I used to know?_  
 _Why can't I find real piece of mind_  
 _And go back to the long ago?_

 _Where the blue of night_  
 _Meets the gold of day_  
 _Someone waits for me_

 _And the gold of her hair_  
 _Crowns the blue of her eyes_  
 _Like a halo tenderly_

 _If only I could see her_  
 _Oh, how happy I would be"_

 _Where the Blue of the Night – Bing Crosby_

I listen to these songs for hours. It takes me a little while, but I finally realize that since it's a headband, I am not tethered to my chair, but I can move around. I find the box from 13 and dig out the locket from Peeta. I stare at the three images until my teary vision is too blurry then clasp it around my neck.

Xxxx  
Late afternoon there's a knock on my door. I find Peeta on my front porch.  
"Happy Birthday!"  
"Thanks", I muster.  
"I made you a little something." He says as he presents an envelope and a small frosted cake.  
"Thank you, you know you shouldn't have."  
"I knew you'd say that! Just open it."  
Inside is a small watercolor of a sunrise coming up from behind a mountain.  
I let him know, "It's beautiful! I always love sunrise!"  
"Actually, it's a sunset. I know I'm an early riser, but I've always preferred dusk over dawn."  
"Either way, it's lovely! And this cake looks delicious too!"  
I can't help myself, but wish I could have shared this decadent gift with Prim, she was always the one with the sweet tooth.  
We indulge in the cake, but my heart is a little heavy with the thought of Prim. Guiltily, I am wondering when I can get back to listening to my music again.

Gale POV  
I get off the phone with Sae. I do miss that bird's straight-shooting no nonsense manner. Seems like so many folks here in 2 smile and agree with you to your face, but then act differently behind your back. Anyway, she tells me she delivered Katniss' package herself. I better call her, I'm afraid it might have been overwhelming.

I wait until after diinner time to give her a call. It's a couple rings before she picks up.  
"Hello?" She answers tentatively.  
"Hey, Happy Birthday!"

"Thanks. You know you guys didn't need to send me anything."  
"We know, but we wanted to."

"That was a really nice surprise."

"You doin' okay?" I hate this phone thing, having to ask, instead of just seeing for myself.  
"Yeah. Well, mostly."  
"I thought Rory's idea of sending the audio band was great, and when I encouraged him he put a ton of thought in finding songs that he thought would really speak to you. I thought it might be a bit much all at once, but I didn't want to meddle too much...I don't know how it is for you, but sometimes when a story, poem or song really resonates with an emotion I've been struggling with it can be really powerful, maybe overwhelming."

"Yeah, maybe a little overwhelming. I felt some of these songs felt like they were reading my mind - even though they're written much more poetic than I could put into words."

"Well, I think Rory's pretty dialed into your number. He's had a hard time identifying his feelings. Like he said, he's been listening to all sorts of music. I think it's really helped him sort out what he's feeling...at least some. So, really you alright?"  
"Overall better now. I felt so alone in my grief, but I think you''re right after hearing that music now I feel like someone understands me... the singers...Rory."  
"I dunno, maybe I should have had Rory call you."  
"No, you know it'd be harder for me to talk to Rory."  
"Maybe about some things."  
"When did you become so knowledgable about feelings and stuff?" She questions.

"Ha, do you mean when did I get all soft?"

"No! Well, maybe, you know what I mean."

"Tela's had all of the squads under him listen and talk to experts on war, stress, grief, you name it, since most of us have seen and done things we wish we hadn't during the rebellion."

"Really? That doesn't sounds like the Army I know."

"Yeah, it's definitely changing. Paylor seems to realize that treating us well mentally and taking care of us emotionally is an investment that will pay off."

"I think it's smart, I could use more of that myself." She admits.

"Well, _**you**_ don't have to sit through _**all**_ of the talks and take the tests. Some are worth their salt, but most seem like fluff. I'll just give you the highlights and Rory can send you more songs:"

"Where does he find out about these songs?"

"Some of it is from friends at school, some of it can be found from sets available through a computer, and some of it are things I passed along to him - some of that stuff is from the declassified culture files."

"I'm just getting used to this thing."

"Oh, the audio band? Yeah, they're pretty cool. I've got a high tech one from the squad."

"Nice...so, uh anyway, I'm thinking of taking your mom up on her offer."

"Oh, yeah? What's that - to do your laundry?"

"I wish, that might be just as good or better! No, to come and visit."

"Visit where? Here in 2?" I'm in shock.

"Yeah, why not, I mean she sent the train vouchers and everything!"

"She did what?"

"For my birthday, she sent me some train vouchers."

"I had no idea she did that, but I gotta admit, that woman is a genius!"

Katniss POV  
When morning comes I make my way to Haymitch's and steel myself before rapping on the door once before entering. It smells as bad as ever, I think as I pick my way through discarded bottles, clothes and the other Abernathy-detritous left scattered around. I find him slumped on a wing chair, but conscious.

"Why the honor of your presence Princess?" He slurs.

"Just checkin' in" I say non-chalantly to start off.

"I doubt that." He says with a sarcastic smile.

"How are things? Are things settling down with the new goverment?"

"Well, Flint's doing a good job of running things here. He's got a good sense of the right priorities and where the money should go. There's just not quite enough to go around. I mostly act like an ambassador, still working deals with folks in the government and finance to try and loosen purse strings... Same as what I used to do, but the good news is kids don't get killed when I fail."

"I'm thinking of visiting 2. Hazelle sent me a ticket for my birthday." I blurt out.

He raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, we're talking again, but it's not like that. I'm not sure it ever was."

"For you or for him?" He questions with a chuckle. He ignores my uncomfortable silence before he continues "I do think a change of scenery would be good for you, sweetheart. I guess District 2 is as good as the next place. I know you're all for keeping a low profile, and that would probably be wise. I'm not sure how many Capitol supporters there are left there, but there's bound to be a few."

He pauses then adds, "What's he think?" motioning to Peeta's, "or maybe I don't need to ask."

"I haven't made my way there yet, I just decided last night."

"I guess he's got his baking to keep him busy while you're away. It should be enough keep him out of trouble."

"You know I'm not much help anyway, mostly just a warm body to tend the stall at the Hob sometimes for the first shift. There's a lot of folks looking for work, I think he could afford to pay someone a little. I guess I should tell him sooner than later."

Xxx  
I give Peeta a couple of hours then I figure he's back from selling at the Hob. I head over, knocking at his back door. A muffled "It's open!" signals I should just head in.  
Peeta's working, kneading and setting up the dough to rise for tomorrow's bread. He smiles when I enter, "Hiya!" He says cheerfully.  
"Hey, how were sales today?"  
"Doing pretty well...I think the bread with the seeds sells better, ...more expensive... Maybe folks...more filling. At any rate... double the batch... see how it goes."  
While he's talking I'm trying to concentrate on what he's saying, really I do try. But honestly I'm stuck in my own head trying to figure out how to tell him I'm going on this trip. I know there's nothing romantic going on with Peeta or anyone else, but I still feel the burden knowing that he wants more than I can give, at least now.  
"That sounds like a good idea," I say when he stops talking, hoping it's a reasonable response to whatever he said.  
"Can you think of anyone that might be able to help you out a few days?"  
"I dunno, why?"  
"Well, I've decide I'm taking a trip so I'll need someone to cover the days I've been selling for you."  
He nods carefully, "How long will you be gone for?"  
"Just a week or so."  
He asks in a hopeful tone, "Where are you headed?"  
I swallow, "Hazelle invited me to visit them in District 2." I think I can see him deflate before he responds.  
"Oh good!" He says unconvincingly. He smiles, with a melancholy air to him. I cringe, as I need to ask him another favor now.  
"Would you mind refreshing Buttercup's water every few days?" I ask with a grimace.  
"Sure, anything to make sure that flea bag can still annoy you." he teases back.

Figures, good ol' Peeta. I reason he'll be over it before I'm back.


	7. Chapter 7 - Breathe

A/N - I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone that I don't own the Hunger Games or any characters.

This chapter is a little on the short side, as a result of splitting a super long chapter into two.

"Breathe, breathe in the air  
Don't be afraid to care  
Leave but don't leave me  
Look around and choose your own ground"

Breathe - Pink Floyd

The train I take to District 2 is quite different from the extravagant ones we took to the games, so it doesn't trigger too many memories, for that I am immensely thankful. It slows down as it pulls into one of the smaller stations in District 2, shuddering to a stop. My stomach is a little unsettled. I suspect it's a little motion sickness, since I have ruled out nerves.

From the train window it's not hard to spot Gale among the folks milling around waiting. There are a few Capitolite-types, but most folks are from the Districts, not dressed or made up flashy.I see at least one though, there's a woman squeezed into some kind of purple snakeskin outfit trying to get Gale to help her with her bag. I can tell he's being helpful and polite enough, but the tell-tale flex of his jaw when she looks away telegraphs he'd rather not assist.

I make my way down the stairs and over to where he's extracted himself from her. He rolls his eyes to no one in particular, as she teeters away in some incredibly high heels He is bigger now, more of a man, if that's possible, since we last saw each other. While I've shed weight from my loss of appetite, he's put on muscle - the size difference between us is the most exaggerated that it has been since before I had my teenage growth spurt. His face brightens when he sees me, it's not quite a smile, but I'll take it. His body language is penitent, as he works on assessing my emotional state. "Hey", he greets me like we were hunting just yesterday. I provide the requisite "Hey" in response. He's giving me the space (literally and figuratively) to decide how to react.

We're face to face now, looking at each other over an awkward silence. I drop my bag on the platform and step forward into arms that immediately welcome me in. I feel a surge of relief, as if I finally found something I had been searching for. We hadn't much occasion to embrace before, but I know now that he inherited Hazelle's talent for them. It's comforting without being constricting. I realize that we've been reunited after our longest separation in the five or six years we've known each other. Once I control the threat of tears, I end it with a tighter squeeze. When we separate, all he says is "Well, welcome to 2," as he scoops up my bag by the handles, "it's just a short walk to my mom's."

As we walk I take in our surroundings. This small town is nestled in a valley with foothills lining one edge and mountains walling off the other, it's rather breathtaking. The town itself is situated on the backside of the Nut, the opposite side from where we were stationed during the war, so there's nothing familiar to me, with the exception of beautiful mountainous scenery.

"Is it just that I'm outside of 12, that the air seems easier to breathe?" I swear the blue of the sky is brighter absent the smoky filter that airborne coal dust provides. I fill my lungs with the clean mountain air.

"Yeah, the air's definitely cleaner here, huh," he smiles a little, "but it's thinner too. It's easier to get out of breath."

He points out a few notable buildings in town and soon the main road that we're on starts to turn and dip downhill. Along the left hand side of the street are homes and on the right rolling hills are punctuated by stands of beautiful trees with white bark and fluttering leaves. The leaves shake in the breeze like the confetti from the parades in the Capitol, but natural and welcoming, not synthetic and contrived. I glance at Gale and back to the trees. In understanding he comments, "They're aspen trees! Aren't they gorgeous? One of my buddies on my squad, Radix, told me that each cluster shares a common root system. So if one is damaged in some way, the other trees can actually reduce their resource requirements, leaving more for the recovering tree - he described it like how a healthy community or family should function."

I consider for a moment how my immediate remaining family functions, thinking of my mom off and away in District 4. Though it does spark images of so many times before the games that the Hawthornes and my family exchanged household supplies freely and helped each other when we could, back before the rebellion.

Gale draws me back to the present by waving his hand to the right and saying "This is actually a public park - kinda like the meadow, but it's owned by the District and they actually take care of it, clearing the paths and thinning diseased branches. Posy and to some extent Vick love to run around here. The best part for Posy is down near my mom's there's a small play structure - her "castle". The park itself goes back quite far and at the far end there's a wooded area."

There are a few paths that wind in and around the hills and through the stands of trees. Overall it looks like a pleasant place to spend time, and if there are woods, it can't be all that bad.

"They're here on the left, the one with the red door. Who knew my mom always wanted a bright red door?" A neat white row of attached houses line the street. Each house has a pitched wood-shingled roof, an inviting porch, a window with bright colored shutters and a matching door. He strides up the steps and pushes open the door, holding it open for me, as he yells towards the back of the house "Guess who's here!" We shuck our shoes, leaving them on the porch, an ingrained District 12 habit as a preventative measure of tracking in the dust.

There's the pitter patter of small feet interspersed with heavier footfalls as the kids all but tumble down the stairs. Vick makes it down first with Posy a close second. I'm already enveloped in their hugs as Rory cooly makes his way down the stairs and Hazelle peeks into the front hall.

Rory gives a hug telling me, "So glad you made it! Are you sure you're ready to spend a week with these clowns?" He motions his head to the game of chase that has erupted around us.

Hazelle is asking me about the train ride even before she starts in on one of her signature hugs. "Belated Happy Birthday! Thanks for taking me up on our offer to come! It's so good to see you! I think the clean air here will do you some good."

Rory, Vick and Posy give me a tour, while Gale takes care of a few things for Hazelle. She's busy completing the finishing touches on our lunch. Their place has 3 floors, the ground floor has a spacious kitchen that spills into what was a dining room, but now serves as a family room. In the front is a smaller more formal sitting room with a small desk for Hazelle and couch. The second floor is made up of two bedrooms and a bathroom. The boys still share one, but it's just them - an upgrade from both their place in the Seam and their quarters in 13, so they're thrilled. Posy has scored big with her own room up on the third floor. It's cozy with slanted walls from the roofline and a little nook with a window bench. I love it, which is good because I'm sleeping in her room while I'm here.

We all enjoy a leisurely lunch together. I had all but forgotten their family tradition of each person naming at least one thing that they are grateful for before the meal. I remember agreeing with a neighbor's observation of Hazelle's miraculous ability to "make abundance from coal dust". I take a few notes from Hazelle, as she has always been able to focus on the brighter side of life. Between Hazelle's delicious cooking and being around them all, it really is warm and welcoming. I am able contribute dessert, some of their favorite wild plums from the woods in 12. Gale needs to get back for some training, since it's Friday. We make plans for me to meet up with him at the gym then maybe do something together in town in the evening.

Once he's gone Rory starts showing me the features of the audio band. I've only figured out how to play the few songs he loaded for me. He shows me how to find new music and organize them into sets, so you could have an upbeat set or one that's more melancholy depending on your mood. Also, there's a way for us to share sets with each other or to create one that is open available to anyone that wants to listen to it, we can even both add songs. He's a whiz at it, but more importantly he's patient, which is apparently a pre-requisite for teaching me something technical. He creates a list and shares it with Gale and I. We've all got code names or "handles" as he calls it. He goes by "Thorny Road" and Gale by "Seamless Transition", both clever. I'm less imaginative, but at least I talk him of calling me "Mockingjay", that would be a nightmare. In the end I go with "Knotty Girl", get it… naughty… knotty? Yeah, still lame, but it's definitely better than Mockingjay.

I'm putting together my first set of music when Posy bounds into the room and invites me to tag along to the piano lesson at the neighbors' with her and Vick. Posy skips ahead as Vick and I bring up the rear. I have to admit there's something inherently uplifting and optimistic about getting around by skipping, or even just watching someone who does. Mr. Charles' house is just in the next set of houses. Posy rings the doorbell, so he's already answering the door by the time Vick and I catch up.

"Hi Posy... Hey Vick" he says cheerily, "uh, Hi" he says a little awkwardly in my direction.

"Hi, I'm Katniss, I'm a family friend of the Hawthornes. Posy asked me to come along, I hope that's alright."

"Of course! Yes, Hazelle's told me about you. I'm Charles, nice to meet you," he says as he extends his hand, "Please, do come on in."  
Posy has already snuck into the house in front of Charles and is getting set up on a chair near a piano. There's another girl around my age in there already strumming a guitar. She's got waves of dirty blond hair and wide set eyes.

"This is my niece Jules." He turns to her and says "Jules, this is Katniss Everdeen, you remember who she is?"

She perks up immediately, "Yeah! Wow! Um...nice to meet you! I'm Jules. Jules Bridges." She extends the hand not holding the guitar, it ends up being the left one, she laughs contagiously when she notices her gaff.

"Nice to meet you too," I snicker back.

"Jules, maybe you and Katniss can hang out in the back while we have our lessons in here. It's probably best to not have _more_ distractions." Charles says with a wink.

"Sure thing!" She replies, sounding familiar with the drill.  
Jules leads me through the house with her guitar in hand. We step out of the backdoor into a sweet little garden with a bench and a few chairs under some fruit trees.

She makes herself comfortable on the bench, motioning me to take one of the chairs. She starts to strum absent-mindedly while she thinks a little bit. I grow a bit wary when I notice her nails are painted a cheery bright green. That reminds me of one of 'those' Capitol-types, though her ability to laugh at herself says otherwise. She looks to me "Know anything you want to sing?"  
Put on the spot, I can't think of a single song except the Valley Song and I pretty much have no interest in singing that right now. I defer politely "No, maybe you can teach me something simple."

She continues to play a few chords until she's struck with the words to a tune. Jules teaches me the refrain and then she sings and plays as I fumble along. It seems vaguely familiar, I wonder if this something my dad sang to me. After a few rounds I get the hang of it, and all in all it sounds pretty decent. By the time Posy bounces outside Jules has us singing in harmony.

Once Vick finishes, he comes outside with Charles. I trail off, finding myself a bit too flustered to sing in front of others. Jules takes my cue and ends it short, but with a flourish.

Charles nods, as though he approves.

Jules is all smiles, "That was fun! We should do that again. You're a natural!"  
"I am?" I feel the heat of a blush creeping up.  
"Yeah, plus you like it."  
"How'd you know?" I say as I rise from my chair.  
"I can tell because your whole face lit up once we started singing."  
"I haven't sang in a really, really long time."  
"Well, I'm always up for singing, especially with someone good. Consider yourself welcome here anytime! I'm staying here with Uncle Charles until I get my own place, which might be a while."


	8. Chapter 8 - Want to belong to the living

A/N - Okay so splitting what was originally one chapter into two didn't make this one a shorter one, hopefully you'll enjoy it.

Chapter 8 – I want to belong to the living

"I want to be strong I want to laugh along  
I want to belong to the living  
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive  
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive"

All I Want - Joni Mitchell

Katniss' POV  
Rory points me in the right direction and I easily find the sign for Dan's Den. I open the door and am affronted by a wall of humidity and sweat. It's suffocating, but when I can finally pull a breath, I wish I hadn't. It stinks in here!

I glance around, looking to find Gale. There are a few people lifting weights in one area and others warming up nearby. In another section there's a roped off raised platform where two fighters covered in some padded armor are sparring each other. I see Gale there on the sidelines, or rather he sees me, and waves me over. He's clad in the same type of padded armor. There's a few others around there cheering for those fighting. Gale explains that everyone in the squad comes here for training - weight lifting, martial arts training, endurance etc. He'll have to spar next, but afterwards he'll clean up and we can go into town with some of his squadmates.

A timer goes off and it's Gale's turn. He puts his helmet on, put on a teeth protector and pulls down his face shield and climbs through the divider and onto the platform. He heads to the corner to an energetic wiry guy rattling off some tips and instruction. Reading off of a board on the side I see his opponent is Dan, who just beat Roscoe. Roscoe steps off of the platform, he's built like a tank. Once he relieves his short red hair of his helmet, he introduces himself.  
"Katniss? Hey, I'm Roscoe." He extends his hand, "Sorry that I'm so sweaty," he says apologetically. "It's really great to meet you live and in person! Gale and I are apartment-mates."

"Now it's my turn to be sorry." I quip with a grin.

He smiles puckishly in return. "How long are you visiting for?" He asks as he fumbles with the closures of his chest padding.

"I was thinking week or so, I'm not sure, I haven't booked my return ticket yet. Uh, How about you? How long have you been in 2, or are you from here?" I stumble through the small talk, trying to remember Effie's advice to ask innocuous questions.

"Nah, I'm from District 7. During the rebellion, our squad ended up helping out in 10. It was so different than 7. Afterwards, I wanted to see another part of the country to see what it was like and wound up here."

After the requisite 3 minute rest for Dan, a buzzer sounds and Gale's match begins. Gale's fairly quick, but Dan's nimble and even quicker. Weren't Gale's reflexes faster before? I feel like he's holding back, or maybe he's tired, or maybe I just think he should be faster. After a bit it's clear Dan knows more techniques. In the end it's a close match, but Dan edges him out. They're both breathing hard and dripping with sweat. As they make it out of the ropes they each tug off their helmets and face shields. Out of Dan's helmet tumbles a luxurious long blonde pony tail...Huh? Dan's a female?

"Good match!" Gale heaves out between breaths.  
"We've done better, you need to work on your combinations still. Always at least 3 in an attack." Dan answers, not quite so out of breath.  
Gale gestures with his head for me to come over, meanwhile his eyes are saying 'sorry, just bear with me', like he would when he'd embellish a story at my expense to negotiate a better deal.

He keeps his eyes on me, as if coaching me through this interaction, "Dan, this is my cousin Katniss." 'Oh that again, fine, you're forgiven' I think to myself.  
"Katniss, this is Danicy better known as Dan." Despite being drenched in sweat, Danicy is downright beautiful. She's got refined porcelain features and almost look delicate, belying her killer fighting skills.

"Wow, impressive fight!" I say.

"Well, Gale's a quick study!" She says to me, then looks to Gale and adds flirtily, "Or maybe it's the extra lessons."

"Heh, maybe it's a little bit of both." Gale acknowledges with a smirk.

After she gets the reaction from Gale that she was looking for she turns back to me and says "How are you guys related again?"

Gale and I answer clumsily over each other "Fathers' side" and "Through our Dads".

Danicey nods dismissively and says, "Oh yeah. Well, if you're in town for a little while you should come by to train or spar sometime. Then we can see how tough you really are!"

My eyes widen, "I'm not sure I'm up to anything like that."

"Well, you don't know until you try! Any way some of them might take it easy on ya." She snorts underscoring the challenge.

Roscoe interjects, "Let's recruit her another time. I. Am. Starvin'!"

"Well, I don't know about me, but YOU definitely need to shower!" Gale jokes as he sniffs in Roscoe's direction.

"I'm cool to take the first shower," Roscoe says, "you figure out what we're doing." As he hustles off through a door behind us.

"Dan, you in for dinner?" Gale asks, wiping yet more sweat from his neck.

"Oh thanks, but no. I gotta take care of some stuff now. But let me know if you decide to head out later."

She gives Gale a playful smack on the butt, then scoots out of his reach on her way to the other set of doors behind us.

As she's leaving a guy and a girl come over from the weight lifting area. They're both incredibly fit. He's even bigger and wider than Roscoe! His skin is dark as midnight and hers a warm cocoa brown. Like a sibling, he makes a beeline for Gale who is attempting to free himself from his padding and he gives Gale a hefty shove on the shoulder knocking him off the bench with a snicker. She, more maturely, makes her way over to me.

"Hi, I'm Electra! Nice to meet you!" She says cheerfully as she extends her hand, rolling her eyes at the guy's behavior. He pays her gesture no mind, I suspect he's seen it before.  
"Hello, Radix Tilling, it's truly a pleasure to meet you." his baritone voice reverberates in _my_ chest as he offers his hand in turn.  
"Hi, I'm Katniss."  
"Yeah, we figured as much" Radix says with an easy-going smile.  
Gale explains to me, "These guys are the best!" And I bet they are, his eyes are shining with admiration. He adds, "Radix is in my squad," then asks them, "You guys joining us for dinner?"  
Radix looks to Electra who says "You can go, I promised Dan I'd help her take care of the books. But I know she's hoping we can all meet up later."  
"Sounds good to me, where we headed for dinner?" Radix asks Gale.  
"I gotta shower, so you think of the best place to bring a visitor." He gives me a glance to make sure I'll be okay, I nod in return.  
Electra watches our interaction and smiles, then asks about the train ride and how the recovery is going in District 12. After a few minutes she excuses herself to shower leaving me with Radix.  
"So, what kind of food do you like?" He asks, not forgetting his task.  
"Most things I guess. I'm willing to try anything once, though I've been burned by that philosophy." I scrunch my nose as I think of the few times I sampled some delicacies in the Capitol didn't seem exactly edible.  
"Maybe we should get you some BBQ ribs. Hmmm, but that's not really a District 2 specialty. How about Rick's for some bison burger?"  
"Sounds tasty!"  
"It's a plan!" He seems pleased with himself.  
I try my best to keep the conversation going, "Have you scoped out all of the good places to eat in this town?"  
"Probably. We haven't been here long, but the options are kinda limited."  
"How long have you been here?"  
"Mmm. Maybe six months or so. I followed Electra here."  
"Why'd she come here?"  
"There were plans back then to make some smaller power generation stations - decentralized power, they call it. They recruited her here, because they needed energy expertise, but the plans morphed. Now they're stuck with us, cause it's beautiful and we love it!" He chuckles.  
Roscoe emerges from the locker room, looking clean and refreshed. "You clean up real well Roscoe!" Radix jokes. "You're making me look bad, I think I gotta shower now."

Gale's POV

Once everyone is cleaned up Roscoe, Radix and I escort Katniss to dinner at Rick's as promised. As per usual, the bison burgers hit the spot, filling and just gamey enough. Thankfully Roscoe does his normal schtick and is teasing or joking practically the whole duration of the meal. Otherwise the smirk that I can't get off my face would seem out of place. After all those months, I honestly never thought it was even possible that Katniss would willingly be in my company, much less think to salvage our friendship.

I'm content enough to let Radix and Roscoe run the conversation, asking questions and good naturally trying to pry information about me out of Katniss. Once our bellies are full, and there's a pause in Roscoe's antics, I ask Radix, "What do you think? The Palms?"

He nods in approval.

I let Katniss know, "There's some live music at our local watering hole, think you're up for it?"

She looks a little surprised, but open to it, so we pay up and head out.

Katniss' POV

A mandolin player with a beard and long wavy dark hair leads a band with a few other ragtag members with tambourines and a huge instrument that looks like a fiddle on steroids. Their upbeat strumming gives an energetic current to what might otherwise be just another indescript dive bar with aroma of stale beer and a sticky floor. Roscoe squeezes in at the bar and orders a round of beers plus a hard cider (whatever that is) for me at Gale's suggestion. I notice a blond at the bar gives him a quick once over from under her heavy lashes and draws her girlfriends' attention with a sly smile. Roscoe gives her a polite smile in return, but starts in a friendly exchange with the bartender. In a minute, he's grinning victoriously as he pushes his way back to us, four brown bottles in hand.

The lead singer bobs his head at Gale when he spots us making our way from the bar to some stools at a high table to the side. Gale nods back in response. The band segues into the next tune as the lead singer switches from the mandolin to the guitar poised on the stand next to him. He announces "Here's a theme song for one of my buddies from home," as he raises his beer in Gale's direction. The regulars already know the song and are singing and foot stomping along 'Hey!' And 'Ho!'. Gale shakes his head with a snort and fires a middle finger salute back, good naturedly he shouts back over the crowd "Aw, you shouldn't have, Fletch!"

I look to Roscoe who just shrugs his shoulders to let me know he's not privy to the backstory. So I get Gale's attention and try to coax the story from him with a quirked eyebrow. He concedes with a sigh, "Fletch is 'Seam'. You remember Judd Cohosh? The guy that was known for making the good twine? He's Fletch's cousin and they had a pretty decent little family band. We'd end up out together sometimes back home, they're always up for playing and getting folks dancing."

In the background I make out the lyrics _"I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart... (Ho!) I don't think you're right for him, (Hey!) Look at what might have been..."_

Now he's mostly talking to his beer bottle, rather than at me, he continues as his thumb works to pry the label off "Anyway, when you left for the the first Arena, pretty much everyone knew my deal. Then when Peeta dropped the bomb about having a crush on you they decided this was my theme song. When we'd be out they'd play it - just for me. I guess at least it's a catchy tune. It's better than just being depressed about it, which I got pretty good at on my own. I ran into Fletch here doing a beer run a few months back. He's the one introduced me to this high end joint, heh." He lazily motions around the bar with his head.

I swallow and look at him, unsure what to say. So I just stammer out "Sorry about all that." He exhales and gives me a half smile "Well, that's all old news anyway." He raises his beer bottles to clink mine in a toast before he tips his back. I'm not really sure of the meaning behind his comment so I follow suit, glad to evade another awkward response. But I am left wondering, if 'old news' means everyone knows he loves me or if he's moved on and he doesn't any more.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Gale check his watch and shoot a glance at Roscoe first then Radix, they each acknowledge him with a small nod in response. The band mixes it up between peppy tunes and a few slower ballads. Roscoe, who has been checking the door gives Gale's elbow a nudge. I see Gale put on what I call his 'Guy Guise'. It's been years since I've seen this, I guess there wasn't much need for it during the rebellion. There was this woman at the Hob that sold tallow, candles and lanterns. Whenever one of us needed something from her stall we would send Gale in to negotiate because we both knew he could get a better deal with her. He'd put on his most disarming smile and start talking with her like she was the most attractive woman in Panem. It was pretty entertaining to watch her hard set features melt as Gale flirtation broke her down. I don't think I ever even mentioned this act of Gale's to him, I just watched this from a distance. I'm wondering what's going on when Danicey and Electra stride up to our bar table. Gale's suddenly more animated. He's all smiles welcoming them, "Hey ladies, about time you showed up! We were starting to lose hope!" He ushers them closer to the table, with his hand in the small of Danicey's back.

Radix chimes in "Now we can get this party started for real! What can I get you two from the bar?" Once he has their orders he checks in with the rest of us, in case we need a refill before making his way to the bar. Roscoe has stepped in behind my barstool, almost in a protective manner. He leans down so I can hear better and asks "Do you go out to hear bands like this much?

I shake my head admitting "No, I don't get out much... now or before. But I do like the live music! You guys see bands much?"

"Nah, we don't get the chance to see many bands, but Gale likes these guys well enough, and we all know their music now."

Radix has returned with the round of drinks and we're all enjoying the music. After a little while Radix has Electra up and dancing with him in front of our table. But then the band takes a break.

I realize that without the music my face has reverted to my default scowl. I channel my inner Effie and plaster a subtle smile on my faces as she encouraged me to do at so many functions.

It only takes Gale a few minutes before he leans over and asks "That bad, huh?"  
"What do mean?"  
His raised eyebrow says _'What's with the fake smile?'_  
"Oh that. Effie said that when I'm not paying attention I frown. So put on that smile." He thinks about my comment before responding.  
"Soooo... are you enjoying yourself _more_ when you've got that smile plastered on - or _less_?" he teases.  
"Ha! You got me there!" I reason, "I guess I enjoy it less, but it used to make Effie happy, which made my life more enjoyable overall."

Radix steps over to us and nudges Gale saying "Gale, you know you can't hog Katniss all night!"  
Gale smiles and acquiesces, stepping back from the table, letting Radix have his spot. I see the band members setting back up as my eyes trail Gale as he joins Roscoe and Danicey in conversation.

The music starts again, making conversation tougher. It's fine by me, I admit, I'd rather listen to the music than work at chit chat. I notice Gale and Danicey slip away for a little bit. Radix tries to get me to dance, even going so far as to teach me a few dance steps. When Gale and Danicey finally return she's giggling pulling him by the hand through the crowd.

Roscoe tries his hand at entertaining Electra and I with some of his best jokes, claiming he's ready to do stand up comedy on the side. We're straining to listen over a commotion from a few drunk guys behind us. Suddenly it's turned into a scuffle and it comes to a pitch. One of them shoves another who careens our way. Amazingly, Gale's reflexes spring into action and he's miraculously able to insert himself between me and this 200 lb dead weight, effectively catching him and rolling him to side. Gale makes a humorous comment to diffuse the situation, and the guys' drinking companions haul him off.

Once the band wraps up our group loiters a bit longer at the bar, then meanders out in the street, not wanting to break up for the night quite yet. Both Electra and Danicey titter when Gale asks Radix, "Are you man enough to walk these two beautiful ladies home?" Radix is puffing up his chest like a rooster when he claims "I'm more than man enough!" Gale rolls his eyes and turns his attention to Danicey. He gives her a full kiss on the lips, and then tugs her back for a second one when she pulls away.

I can't help but stare a little. When did Gale get so comfortable with public displays of affection? Maybe he was always like this with girls back in 12, but I had never really seen him with a girlfriend or a girl for that matter, in the months before I left for the games.

Radix escorts Electra and Danicey around the corner while Gale joins up with Roscoe and me. We swing by their apartment since it's on the way to Hazelle's. Roscoe explains that the former residences for peacekeepers during training now serve as housing for the Army. They're pretty basic he says, but they do the job.

After we hoof our way up to the second floor, Roscoe opens the door to their apartment with dramatic flair. "This is our lovely abode." He says as we step into a common living area. "We spend most of our time right here." He motions around a cluttered room. "Any mess here is Gale's." Gale and I both snort at this, since Gale was pretty rigid about everything being in its place, even before being in the army. Besides, I suspect Gale's not one for many belongings, even now that he can afford a few. The opposite end of the room has a hallway with a small bedroom on each side. Roscoe finishes the verbal tour "Out there is a two foot extension of the living room they call a balcony, the bedrooms are down the hall, and so is the world's smallest bathroom, and to cap it all off, at the end is the kitchen, as you can see from right here."

I take a look around their place as Gale heads for the bathroom. Generally, the place is pretty sparse, aside from Roscoe's clutter. The main piece of furniture is an old couch with a couple of matching chairs surrounding a low table. Behind it is a small table that looks equally adept as a card table as it does for a place for meals. There's a bookcase on the left half full of books and binders, organized into sections. On another wall is Gale's bow, the one my father made. It's beautifully mounted on the wall with the quiver above and a few arrows arranged in arched pattern. It's a piece of artwork, not just hung up off of the floor.

Roscoe notices me admiring Gale's handiwork, "Pretty primitive bow, eh? Gale told me you guys got some pretty sweet upgraded technology from Coin's team during the rebellion, huh? Laser sights, spring loaded, flames the works! Once in a while Tela let's us to play with some of the weapons they designed for you guys."

When Gale returns, I'm still a little taken aback, "Your bow...it looks good like that," as I glance back at it. But part of me feels some regret that it looks like it doesn't get regular use. He states matter-of-factly "Well, it is one of my most prized possessions."

Roscoe retorts, "That old thing?"

"Yeah, this one's handcrafted, like it was made for me. Besides helping to feed my family for years, it's got some sentimental value." He's focused on Roscoe the whole time he's talking.

"Whatever you say, Boss. I still think newer toys are more fun."

Gale rolls his eyes as he drops himself onto the couch and props his feet on the table, "Whatcha got going on tomorrow?" he asks me.

"Nothing much, I think Rory's going to take me around town a bit."

"Well, that'll take all of 5 minutes" Roscoe jests.

Gale ignores Roscoe's comment and asks me "Perfect - can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, Of course."

"Can you pick up some leather laces from the cobbler? Would you believe that the last of my Dad's laces finally snapped?" I nod in the affirmative as he continues. "I guess since I haven't been wearing my boots much, I haven't been putting oil on the laces, so now they're breaking."

"Sure thing, as long as Rory knows where to go, I can pick some up. Actually, do you still have the old ones? I can take them so I know what length I need to get."

"Yeah, sure do," he picks himself off of the couch and hauls himself to the bedroom on the right. He's back almost immediately with the last stretched whole lace and the bundle of the two or three pieces that made up the other one.

He hands them to me, then glances at the time and says "Ah, I'd better get you home, trust me I know from personal experience, you don't want to stay out past curfew with Hazelle Hawthorne on watch."

It's brisk enough outside to wake us up a bit. Gale leads us out of the compound and we turn on the road to town. A few quick turns and we're on the same road from the the train station back to the Hawthornes'. There are a few street lights from town, but generally it's dark, offering a great display of the night sky.

"That band was good!" I say.  
"Yeah, I thought you'd like them. I must have been drunk, I thought I saw Radix got you up and dancing!"  
"Would you call it that? I don't know _**what**_ he was trying teaching me. Call me old fashioned, but the only real dances to me are the ones from 12."  
He surprises me by saying, "Well, okay 'Old Fashioned', show me you stuff!" As he grabs my hand and pivots me, effectively leading me into the beginning steps of one of the traditional district 12 dances. He fluidly guides me through a round of the dance down the centerline of this empty mountain road, but he's hamming it up at every turn, jiggling his head and making funny faces. We're both cracking up by the end, which was a foreign, but now welcome feeling.

We take a few deep breaths and shush each other to be quiet before he opens Hazelle's door for me, now grey in the moonlight. I see from his stance he has no intention of coming in, so I say "Thanks, that was different, but fun."  
"It's the least I can do since you made the effort to come out here. See you tomorrow, I'm doing something with the boys late afternoon. Plus I think my mom has dinner planned."  
"Okay, G'night"

I guess it's the cider or maybe there really is something to this mountain air that makes me feel giddy and alive.


	9. Chapter 9 - No Difference

Chapter 9 – No Difference

"When the promise is broken you go on living  
But it steals something from down in your soul  
Like when the truth is spoken and it don't make no difference  
Something in your heart goes cold"

The Promise - Bruce Springsteen

I sleep surprisingly well, only startling a handful of times from bad dreams, but more importantly falling back to sleep quickly. It's a recent personal best. I'm hoping it's a start of a trend. Maybe it was the full day of activity I had for a change.  
I wake before dawn and sleep is no longer forthcoming, so I decide to watch the dawn arrive tucked in my comforter from a perch on Posy's window bench. I dig out Finnick's piece of rope and let my fingers wrought and ravel on their own as I watch the day awake. Posy's window faces the front of the house, and affords a generous view of the park. Even from my vantage point behind a set of gauzy curtains my eyes follow several of the paths around the park and find the play structure Gale mentioned yesterday.

The early morning songbirds stir awake more and more of the wildlife. The sky lightens gradually, with the foothills blocking the direct sunlight. I see a lone runner in an all out sprint on along one of the footpaths. He slows down slightly as he exits the park, but he's still moving at a good clip. As if he knows I'm here he gives a quick glance at the house, but of course he does. It's Gale. He continues past the house on the other side of the road towards town.

My eyes follow Gale as he trails out of sight. I remain in my little nest a while longer until I hear some evidence that others are awake below.

Hazelle's POV  
When I wake I can already tell some of the kids are up. I've had it in my mind to make something special for breakfast since Katniss is here. Maybe apple cinnamon pancakes. It's so good to see her stronger, even just a bit, both physically and emotionally, than when we visited 12. Still she seems a shadow of her former self, but I'm happy to see she's slowly coming to life. She seems to have made the conscious decision to not slip away like her mother did after Cargan's death. If nothing else, Katniss is a fighter.

I pad down to the kitchen in my bathrobe and slippers to find that Rory's up, if you can call it that, taking orders from Posy, who is very much awake. He's rubbing his eyes and rifling in the cabinets, pulling the requisite containers from Posy's order.

Rory grumbles "Mornin'," while Posy starts in on a full description of what she's having for breakfast. It's funny after four kids I am still left wondering 'where do you get all of your energy from?', especially in the morning. I suppose Nathaniel was the morning person, never me, not by choice anyway. Katniss makes her way into the kitchen as I am setting water on the stove for some tea. She greets us warmly.

"How about apple cinnamon pancakes?" I offer.  
Katniss' face lights up "Sounds great, can I help?" Rory nods in agreement. Posy announces it will be her main course, after a first course of cereal.

Katniss busies herself cutting apples, while I track down the ingredients for a quick pancake batter. Vick stumbles into the kitchen sporting his gravity-defying bed head. From what Katniss has told me about Capitolites, I think that any Capitolite would envy how his baby-fine hair fans out above his head. It's so graceful that if you didn't know Vick you might think it was done on purpose.

Katniss greets him with "Good mornin'! Hey, you know with that fancy hairstyle, you look just like grouse!"

My eyes dart to Rory only to see he's already shooting me a surprised glance. Rory's chuckling now, shaking his head, and I feel the grin break out on my face. In contrast and as expected, Vick is quite put out, "Hey - who told her!"

Still laughing Rory says to Vick "No one did, you spaz!"  
He ignores my plea to be more polite to his brother and goes on to explain to Katniss "Gale says the _**exact**_ same thing, about Vick's bed head. It drives Vick C-R-A-Z-Y."

Katniss, being much more empathetic than either of my eldest two, finds a way out. "Oh Vick, sorry! You know we always used to hunt grouse this time of year. I must have them on the brain, since I miss it so much."

Vick turns a bit sheepish, realizing he over-reacted. He slides quietly onto the kitchen bench next to Posy. Rory's heading upstairs still snickering and shaking his head.

"Have you not been hunting?" I ask, it seems so unlike her.

"I can make it to the woods a couple times a week now. I take down squirrels and rabbits mostly. I found out it's hard hunting anything else alone, plus not too many people to feed." She replies, justifiably with some melancholy in her voice. "It's not the same now." she admits.

"Well, I think it's impressive that you are even getting back out to the woods. I hope you're being careful, we always worried more when one of you went by yourselves." I think I've said too much, as I see an internal struggle within her to keep a neutral facial expression. I can't help it. I drop my mixing and step around the counter to give her a hug. "You're so capable sweetie, I just want you to know that we're still looking out for you." She nods into the crook of my neck as she hugs me back tightly. I add "You know that means always, not just when you're hunting, right?"

"Mmm hmm" she mumbles, but she squeezes even tighter, like she didn't know it before.

We eat to our hearts content, something I'm not sure I'll ever get used to, but am glad my kids are getting the chance to. Afterwards Posy begs to go to the park. We all agree it's too beautiful of a day to spend inside. I'm proud that Rory does remember his school work. He says a few classmates are getting together this morning to work on a project. The rest of us get dressed and make our way to the park.

Vick's POV  
We cross the street and as always Posy heads straight to the play structure. I follow her there, but it's really for little kids - boooooring! I'm done with it in about 5 minutes. Katniss asks what tricks I can do. I show her a few things – I nail the flip off of the monkey bars! She seems impressed. Then she shows me a couple of things to add to my repertoire (that's a big word for the list of things you can perform) and two things to work up to.

When I get tired of that she asks if we can just walk on some of the paths in the park.  
"Have you taken most of these paths?"  
"Yup! All of the ones on this side of the park!" I say proudly, "There are seven." I let her know.  
"Which one is your favorite?"  
"That's tough, do I haveta pick just one?"  
"No, which ones are your top picks?"  
"Well, this one we're on goes through a really cool grove of climbing trees. That one that over there runs along a creek, at the end it's dammed up, making a pond."  
"Oh, you gotta show me the the climbing trees!"  
"Sure thing!" I say as I lead the way down the windy path.  
"How about that path?" She points to the farthest one as we are walking, "Where does that go?"  
"Uh, I don't go on that path anymore"  
"Why? What's down there?" She sounds curious.  
"It's creepy."  
"What do you mean?"  
"It gives me the creeps."  
"Thanks for the added clarity, smarty pants."  
I just shrug. If she wants to know more, she can go down there herself. She's smart enough, she drops it.

We're at the glade now, I'm not sure what kind of trees these are, but they're good for climbing. Katniss scurries right up one. That's one thing I do remember about her in 12, if it's climbable, she can get up it. For a while Rory, that jerk, had me really believing that she really was part squirrel. I mean how was I supposed to know, I don't remember her Dad! I scale a neighboring tree doing my best to make it up as high as she is.

"So Gale said he was doing something with you and Rory later. What're you guys doing?" she asks.  
I blurt out, "I think he said since you're here we're wrestling."  
"He said what?"  
"Oh, I guess that sounds funny. Gale said since you're here, he didn't want to do anything that takes a lot of time."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, Saturdays Gale has been teaching some kids and I different skills. He taught us how to find where and what kind of animals are in the woods and like if they're dangerous. One time he showed us how to make a fire. He helped my friends climb trees, but I already knew how. He said wrestling or grappling would be better today since we can do it right in the yard."  
"Neat! What'd he teach _you_ that you didn't know already?"  
"Trapping fish and fishing was new and kinda cool."  
"Are these friends from your class?"  
"Marshall is in my class, but the other guys aren't," I tell her.  
"Oh, so how do you know them?"  
"I know them from doing this stuff."  
"Okaaaay, so who introduced them to you?"  
"Oh! Gale did."  
"Annnnd how does _Gale_ know them?" she says exasperatedly.  
'He asked mom which boys at school were like me."  
"What do you mean 'like you'? Do you mean both smart and good lookin'?"  
I feel my cheeks get hot, but I look her right in the eye and answer her honestly, "No, kids whose Dads are dead."  
She looks a little taken aback, but just says "Oh, I see."  
She's quiet for a little while, then asks "How many kids come on Saturdays?"  
"Well, not all of the kids come all of the time. Some come more than others. Marshall comes most times, since he's my friend. There's maybe like 4 or 5 kids each week. Um, I'm getting hungry, how about we see if mom brought a snack?"  
"Okay, I'll race you back over there!" She says as she drops out of the tree and hits the ground running.

Katniss' POV  
After lunch Rory returns from his friend's house to show me around. He's almost an hour late, but as Roscoe joked, town is small enough that our errands don't take long. He's stand-offish and distant. The longer we spend together the more I realize that his movements and speech are lethargic. He takes me by the cobbler for laces and then to the market to pick up some staples for Hazelle. I stop in at the hardware store next door to check out what they have before we head back.

We are just about to the house when we see Gale pull up in front of the house riding on some kind of vehicle. Rory gives his brother a nod, but proceeds directly into the house without a word. Curious, I walk over. "What's that thing?" I ask, waving in the general direction of his three-wheeled contraption. Gale slips his slick helmet off. "An in-line vehicle, I got it second hand, from Tela actually. It's great for getting out of this two-bit town."  
"I've heard of ILVs, but never seen one. Is that the motor there? Oh, I see the three wheels are in line, I get it."  
"Can't put anything past you!" He says with a wink.  
"Hah! You're funny... Oh hey, speaking of funny" I cock my head in Rory's direction. I give him a look so he knows 'Rory's acting funny-weird, not funny-haha,' as we used to say to each other.  
"What kind of weird." He asks.  
"He seems really distant and sluggish"  
"Since when?"  
"Just since he came back from his group project."  
He inhales deeply and slowly drags a hand through his dark hair. His jaw is clenched and his nostrils gaping; I can tell he's reigning in a firestorm. "Thanks. Let's head in." He bounds in ahead of me, leaving me on the curb.  
By the time I get inside he's cornered Rory in the kitchen, and I hear him say, "Let's go outside to figure out what we'll teach them today." He hustles him out the back door, telling Vick to just entertain the kids in the front room when they get here.

He pulls the door behind him, but it doesn't quite shut all of the way. I do need to put away the perishables away, but if I'm being honest with myself I probably don't need to be quite so close to this door.  
I hear Gale say, "You're fucking kidding me! Really, you gotta be fucking kidding me!"  
"What!?"  
"You know exactly what I'm talking about! Did you need to do this _**today**_? Those kids are coming over right now. The point is to be a _**good**_ role model, you ass!"  
"This is your thing, not mine. They won't know anyway."  
"Maybe not. But what about Katniss, what about _**Mom**_!"  
"What _about_ Katniss? What _about_ Mom? This doesn't have anything to do with them!"  
"Yes it does! Everyone is affected when you pull this shit!"  
"They won't know, I'll be sober by dinner."  
"Are you kidding me? Katniss already knows, you just spent over an hour with her."  
"Well, she's pretty much family, isn't that what you and mom have been saying?"  
"Doesn't mean you needed to do this. She's barely been here 24 hours... Mom better not find out."  
"She won't, I'll be low key."  
"I really don't want to save your sorry ass _again_."  
"You won't. You won't, really."  
Gale exhales sharply through his nose then says "Okay, this is how we do it today. You're submissive and I beat the crap out of you while pretending to show the kids wrestling moves."  
"Heh! Nice try, I'm not that fucked up."  
"I know, as much as I would like to, I was _actually_ kidding."  
"I knew that."  
"Sure you did smart ass. I think there's just Vick and 3 kids today, so let's just pick a few moves. I'll do them on you, then you can do them on me after, in case you want to get me back for anything. Then we'll split into two groups and the boys can try it on each other." They square away a few more details, but I've lost interest now.  
When they're finished Rory enters the kitchen first, avoiding eye contact with me altogether. Gale follows, but comes over closer to me. He waits until Rory's out of earshot before he asks, "How much of that did you hear?" I guess he knew the door wasn't shut.  
"Uhh, Just the juicy stuff." I can't pull anything over on Gale.  
"This isn't the first time he's pulled this."  
Vick yells from the front room that all the boys are here now and raring to go.  
Gale shakes his head and says to me "to be continued."


	10. Chapter 10 - Road to Freedom

A/N – Thanks for sticking with me. If you haven't figure it out, I think it will all take a little more time. I appreciate all of the reviews.

To wolfsbaneeclipse – Belated thank you! I've been busy framing your kind review I've spent way too much time in 'this' world for a grown person, but I feel my justification is your review.

Chapter 10 – Road to Freedom

"You can take all the tea in China  
Put it in a big brown bag for me  
Sail right around the seven oceans  
Drop it straight into the deep blue sea

You can't stop us on the road to freedom  
You can't keep us 'cause our eyes can see  
Men with insight, men in granite  
Knights in armor bent on chivalry"

Tupelo Honey - Van Morrison

Katniss' POV  
I leave the boys to their wrestling as I head inside to lend a hand making dinner. Hazelle joins me in the kitchen. "It's so nice to have you here for a little bit," she says as she minces some fresh herbs from her window box.  
"Thank you so much for inviting me, I love being here; I realize now it's too quiet at my house."  
She extends her already generous hospitality, "You do know you're welcome to stay as long as you like. I know you can take care of yourself, and there's Haymitch, Sae and Peeta, but you know I still worry about you. You're hardly a guest here, you're family to us. I really mean that."  
"Oh Hazelle, I don't think I'll be here more than a week, but I do appreciate the offer."

We turn to more mundane topics, like what happened at school today, and type and cost of the produce at the local market. After a bit I wonder about the boys so I check on their progress. Gale and Rory each have two boys and they're refereeing them or coaching them on the moves they learned earlier. As if he senses my presence, Gale looks up and meets my eye, and calls me over with head motion. "Hey Garrett, Marshall, hold up a sec. I want you to meet someone."  
The two boys in front of him stop their struggle and look up. I feel a little uncomfortable, unsure of what kind of reception the old 'mockingjay' would garner in District 2, especially if their dads lost their lives in the rebellion. But I trust Gale enough that he wouldn't put me in that situation, even with pre-teens.  
"Hi Guys, nice to meet you, I'm Gale's friend, Katniss."  
"I'm Marshall, Vick's told me about you," pipes up the smaller of the two, "Did you really shoot that bag of apples and explode all of those supplies in the Games?"

"Hi I'm Garrett," says his towheaded wrestling partner.  
"Hi. Yeah, I really did," I say in response to Marshall.  
"Cool! Can you teach us to shoot a bow and arrow?"  
"I don't have my bow with me. After the rebellion they've cracked down on people travelling with weapons, so I couldn't travel with it without paperwork. Maybe we can do it next time I come to visit." Gales eyebrows shoot up, like he never considered that I'd come back.  
I add, "Or Gale could teach you, he's pretty handy with a bow." Gale is shaking his head, but the boys don't care anyway.  
"I want to learn from someone that can shoot the apple bag open!"  
Rory, Vick and the other boy have made their way over now.  
Gale interjects, "Katniss, this is Clayburn,"  
"Hi, I'm Katniss."  
"Hi" he says quietly.  
Gale sizes up Rory, then turns to the boys and says "I've got one last wrestling move to teach you in honor of Katniss. My buddy Radix taught this one to me. It's called the bow and arrow!"...

Xxx  
Garrett's mom comes by to pick him up first. She thanks Gale and Rory, then hustles Garrett and his younger sister to march back up the hill to get dinner on the table. Vick and the other two boys are taking turns showing me the moves they learned. Some definitely look more effective than others, but more importantly they're having fun. Shortly after Clayburn's mom pulls up in a sleek motor car. I'm fascinated by these vehicles. The fact that here private citizens can own them is groundbreaking, but still no on in Twelve owns them since the roads are so bad. From the front yard, I can see that she takes her time fussing over her hair, touching up her make up in her mirror (and did she just check her cleavage?), then getting out of the car and making her way over to Gale. Even from this distance I can sense Gale tensing up. She's very lively, laughing a little too often and she keeps touching Gale's arm. I wait until I see the muscles in Gale's jaw tense when I know he's really had enough, to walk over and bail him out. I hear her say, "How many times do I have to tell you Gale, just call me Brandy!"  
"Thanks Mrs. Screeding, but I'm old fashioned that way."  
"You should loosen up a little then," she says touching his arm for probably the fourth time in as many minutes. Gale turns my direction as he hears me approach them. Mrs. Screeding turns too and when she recognizes me she has a visceral reaction, but she covers it up quickly. Her eyes dart from me to Gale and back to me again.  
Gale decides to ignore her initial reaction and says "Katniss, this is Clayburn's mom, Mrs. Screeding."  
"Hi Mrs. Screeding, nice to meet you. Clayburn seems like a great kid!"  
"Thanks." She says with a nervous laugh. "We'd better get going, it's getting late." She calls Clayburn to come over and she whisks him to the car. I notice she seems like she's shielding him from us, physically placing herself between us and Clayburn the whole way to the car.

When the car finally pulls away, Gale shakes his head saying "Thanks for the save."  
"Anytime. But she got even stranger after I came over."  
"Yeah, I noticed. I think she's not a fan of yours, or maybe more specifically not a fan of the rebellion."  
"Okay, but she sure seems to be a fan of yours."  
He just rolls his eyes.  
He looks over to where his brothers and Marshall are still trying their moves with mixed success. He asks if Marshall wants to stay for dinner, but Marshall says he should be getting home. He doesn't live too far, just a few minutes further down the hill away from town.

xxx

Hazelle's POV  
I pull together some stew, it's nothing fancy, even though we have a guest. Still, Katniss is sweet and raves about how delicious it is, and what a great comfort food stew is. She even comments with a laugh that ironically it reminds her of home more than what she's been eating at home lately.

She's been here just over one day, and I can already see that Katniss and Gale's bond is pretty much as strong as ever. I know he has Danicey, but you wouldn't know it the way I catch him gazing at Katniss in the split second before he catches himself.  
Their connection is so deep, but now, it's hard to see a path for them to find each other romantically, if that was ever in the cards. I am well aware that he and I both thought they were destined to be a couple, as did probably did half of the District, though we never spoke about it directly. I suppose she has Peeta, who is crazy about her. Everyone knows there wasn't an unkind bone in his body, until Snow got a hold of him. He was too much like his own father. I don't know how long Danicey will be around. I know better than to voice my opinion, but I think Rory's character assessment is not too far from the mark.

We talk about school, work and the upcoming week. Suddenly Posy interjects and says to Katniss, "I like your necklace."  
"Thanks. Peeta gave it to me", she says with a nervous smile, as her hand flies up to ensure it's there.  
"Can I have it?" Posy asks innocently. I am shocked! I remind myself to work on manners with her more often.  
"Posy! That's not polite! You shouldn't ask for other people's things!" I reprimand her.  
"Well, I can show it to you, but it's really special to me, or otherwise I would have considered giving it to you." She tells her. I know my son, I can sense Gale is trying to be calm, but he's tensing up just hearing this topic of Peeta's gift.  
Posy continues her line of questioning, "Why is it so special?"

Katniss leans in closer to Posy's ear, "It's kind of a secret, I'll share the secret with you. It's not just a necklace, it's a locket."  
"What's a locket? Does it lock?"  
"This one doesn't have a lock, but it does have something inside."Now that she mentions it, I recall it being a locket from watching the Quell. But from the camera angle televised the audience never got to see what was inside.  
She deftly unclasps the necklace from her neck, places it on the table in front of Posy and opens it to show 3 photos. It's Prim, her mother and Gale. Gale and I, and perhaps Rory too, are a bit shocked at the revelation that Gale's included there.  
"Why did Peeta put pictures of Prim, your mom and my brother in there?" Posy asks point blank.  
She takes a breath before she answers, since it's still hard for her to talk about Prim.  
"Well, Peeta's smart. He knows these are the people closest to my heart." Maybe it's wishful thinking but I think I saw her blush just a little when she said that.  
"Your family!" Posy surmises.  
"Yes, my family." Katniss agrees. I'm not certain if Gale likes that conclusion or not, but I guess it's moot. I glance over to him and he's nodding in agreement.

Xxxx  
Katniss' POV

After dinner I help Posy get ready for bed, but she begs Gale for a bedtime story. He relents easily, clearly flattered that only a story from Gale will do. He tucks her into Hazelle's bed with lots of pomp and circumstance, fluffing the blankets and straightening the sheets no less than a dozen times. Posy eats it up and giggles the whole time. Finally, he settles them down, dims the lights and lays on the bed with her. Meanwhile I make myself comfortable on the floor, propping my back on the side of Hazelle's bed.  
"What kind of story do you want tonight?"  
"One with animals!"  
"Alrightie then, I'll tell you a story I learned about at work. A long time ago, in the country that was here before Panem - or maybe even before that, the people that lived further north would tell this story to their children of their tribes. It's called the theft of daylight."  
"It's about stealing?" Posy confims.  
"Yeah, you shouldn't steal, but this is still an interesting story with animals. The story starts such a long time ago, that there aren't any stars in the sky, no moon and no sun. It's always dark. There's a magical creature called the Raven."  
"Like the black bird?"  
"Yup, exactly like the bird. But this one is white."  
"A white raven?"  
"Yeah, weird, huh?"  
"Yeah!"  
"Raven finds out that there's a very rich old man that has the stars, the moon and the sun but he keeps them all to himself - he doesn't share them. Raven thinks it could be useful for everyone to have light, so they can see each other, so it's easier to find food, and stuff like that, so he decides he wants to go get the light. But he finds out that the old man keeps everything heavily guarded, inside special locked boxes, hidden in his house. Raven makes up a plan to get it."  
"What kind of plan?"  
"The best kind: a sneaky one! Since Raven is magical he transforms himself into a hemlock needle. Do you remember what that looks like? Is it big?"  
"No it's tiny, like my finger nail."  
"Exactly! He makes himself so tiny that he slips himself into the water glass of the rich man's daughter, and she drinks him up with out knowing it. Somehow, I guess magically, she gets pregnant from this and the baby is Raven."  
"Is that how baby's are made? From drinking a leaf?"  
"No, not normally."  
I feel Gale's knee nudge my head, panicking in case this is not the end of this discussion. But thankfully Posy drops the subject.  
"So, when Raven is born he cries and cries. His grandfather, the very rich old man, wants to make baby Raven happy. Baby Raven keeps pointing to one of the boxes, so to quiet him down, the grandfather hands him the box with the stars inside. It works, Raven stops crying. The baby plays with the box, but then he opens the box and then the stars fly up and out the chimney. Once they're outside they fly into the sky into the constellations that I've shown you in the sky."  
"Ooh! Like the bear! That's my favorite!  
"Yup, exactly, you're paying attention! But back to our story... Later on, maybe the next day Raven starts to cry again. A lot! Really hard! Like most loving grandfathers, the old man wanted to make his grandson happy. Raven kept pointing to the box of the moon. So to pacify him the grandfather let's him play with the second box, the one that holds the moon. The grandfather doesn't want to lose the moon too, so he blocks up the chimney first. Baby Raven plays with the box, but then opens it up and lets the moon roll right out the front door! The moon too flies up to the sky."  
"Oh Dear! Dreadful!" Exclaims Posy - where she learns these phrases from, I'll never know.  
"Yeah, so now Raven has given the world the moon and the stars! But he's not satisfied. A few days later, Raven has a huge crying fit. He keeps pointing to the box of the sun. The grandfather doesn't want to give it to him, but Raven is relentless, he keeps on crying. Finally, the grandfather gives in. He gives him the box, but everyone is watching closely. He can't just throw the sun up the chimney or roll it out the door. So Raven waits until everyone falls asleep. The he changes into his bird form and he takes the Sun Box into his beak and he flies up the chimney with it. Once he's free he shows the box to his friends, but they don't believe the sun is inside. So Raven opens up the box to prove it to them, the sun escapes and flies into the sky, where it is today, lighting our world. The end"  
"Is that story real?" Posy asks.  
"Do you mean is it true?"  
"Yeah, is it true?"  
"I don't think so, but I still think it's a cool story?"  
"Me too!"  
"Night Pose, Love you."  
"Love you Gale"  
Just hearing that warms my heart.

He gives her a peck on the top of her head, and ruffles her hair before he snatches her nose between his bent index and middle fingers. She giggles again, but less energetically now.

We close the door behind us as we step into the hallway.

Gale says he needs to get back and take care of a few things before he hits the sack, but we'll catch up tomorrow. It's been a long day for me too, so I just nod in acknowledgement and climb up the the stairs to Posy's room as he rounds the bannister and descends the other set of stairs. I hear the pull of the door as he lets himself out.

I'm tired, but know that I won't be able to sleep yet. I am scanning around looking for my knotting rope, when I see a little paper bag set on the bedside table. That wasn't there before. It's a small worn brown kraft bag, reused from something before, with some writing on it. It's a half-hearted attempt at forging my mother's handwriting, "Steep 7 minutes, drink 3 - 4 x per day". Tucked inside are a few handful of dried yellow pom-pom flowers: chamomile, my mother's most reliable solution for insomnia, headaches, menstrual cramps and allergies! We were always directed to be on the look out for their tiny little buds. It was our running joke that unless you broke a bone, my mom would send you home with camomile tea. This little "anonymous" gift is so "Gale", that it makes me crack a small smile. I don't know if I'll need it tonight, but I'll probably sleep better knowing it's there.


	11. Chapter 11 - That's the way

Chapter 11 – That's the way

"I don't know how I'm gonna tell you,  
I can't play with you no more,  
I don't know how I'm gonna do what mama told me,  
My friend, the boy next door.  
I can't believe what people saying,  
You're gonna let your hair hang down,  
I'm satisfied to sit here working all day long,  
You're in the darker side of town."

That's the Way - Led Zepplin

My respite from nightmares is short-lived. My childhood nightmares of my father in the mines are as vivid as ever. Now only he has company as sometimes Gale or Prim are with him in the firey trap below.

I wake well before dawn and tuck myself into the window nook awaiting daybreak with my knotting. This time I peel the curtain back, a little braver than I was yesterday. The morning light creeps in fading away the inky darkness. Then there he is again. Gale comes running at a punishing pace from the western-most path of the park. It's the same path he ran on yesterday, the 'creepy' one according to Vick. Like yesterday he glances up to the house, he slows when he finds me in the window. I place my hand up to the glass, as if I could touch him, he understands the invitation to visit and slows himself to a walk.

I head downstairs, where I find Vick, complete with bed head, has beat me into the kitchen.  
"Good Morning, Vick!"  
"Mornin'"  
"Whatcha gonna have for breakfast?"  
"I dunno know yet, I'm still waking up." I think to myself, funny that neither Rory or Vick are early morning risers, but then again, they never needed to be.  
I take inventory in their fridge and offer "Want me to teach you how to make scrambled eggs with cheese?"  
"Sure, that sounds delicious!"  
Gale strides into the kitchen, still flush from his run. He tugs his glasses off and sets them on the counter before he addresses Vick "Hey Grouchy Grouse!"  
"Quit it!"  
Gale turns to me, "Can you believe this hair?"  
"No, I can't. It's unbelievably amazing!" I say, giving Vick a conspiratorial smile. Vick snickers, as I set the eggs up in front of him.

Addressing Gale I say "You were really booking there! I've never seen you run so fast, unless you were running from something!"  
"Ha, well, isn't that the truth!"  
"I guess regular training pays off."  
"I s'pose" he says playing with his ear, as he sometimes does when he's stretching the truth.

I get to work showing Vick how to beat the eggs and have him start them off in the heated pan. Once he's finished melting the cheese over them, I serve up three plates.

Gale balks a bit "I'll just take half a serving."  
"A growing boy like you?" I question.  
In retaliation Vick throws in, "He's got to keep his girlish figure!"  
Good hurriedly Gale responds, "Good one, bro! Trust me, I'm hungry, and this looks great Vick, but I actually gotta get back to run with the squad."

"I'm confused, but didn't you just run?"  
He answers, with a non-answer, "Yeah, that's just something I gotta do for myself."

He downs the eggs in record time while Vick and I savor ours. When he's done Gale turns to me and says "I've got today off after this work out. There's somewhere I want to take you, maybe we can do a picnic lunch."  
"Okay, sure, I can pack us something to eat. What time were you thinking?"  
"Say 11 am. Bring your audio band. Whatever goodies you pack needs to fit in a backpack. Maybe Vick can lend you his, if you don't have one."

Gale leaves, but he's back in about 2 minutes saying "Where's that frickin' thing?"  
"Which frickin' thing exactly?" I ask for clarification.  
"My Command Band, ah! Here it is!" He snatches his glasses off the counter and hurries back out the front door.

Moments later Hazelle comes into the kitchen with Posy at her heels. "Where's Gale?" Are Posy's first words out of her mouth.  
"How about greeting people before you ask your questions?" Hazelle reminds her, then models the good behavior, "Good morning! Did we hear Gale?"  
"Yeah, he stopped in after his run." I answer, "But he needed to get back. He said he'd be back around 11 and for me to just pack us a lunch."  
"Alrighty."  
"Want to try the eggs Chef Vick cooked up?"  
"Definitely!" Hazelle says, at the same time Posy exclaims "No way!"  
Rory must have heard the commotion and makes his way to the kitchen.  
"Jet and I are tooling around today." He says.  
"Fine, but this afternoon we'll do a nice family dinner." Hazelle tells him.  
"Okay. Are Dim and Dimmer coming?"  
"Rory! Don't call your brother and his girlfriend that."  
"If the shoe fits..."  
"Rory Hawthorne! Your brother is not dim, and neither is Danicey."  
"Well, she sure acts like it."  
"Rory, you're skating on very thin ice right now."  
"Fine! What time is dinner?"  
"Five o'clock sharp" she responds with finality, her lips drawn into a fine line.  
Xxxx

Gale returns at eleven o'clock as promised. I make an exaggerated show of presenting Vick's full backpack as proof that I completed my task. Hazelle reminds him that dinner's at five o'clock as we walk out the door. I'm just pulling on my hunting jacket as Gale throws a leg over the ILV. He slides comfortably into the dip that passes for a seat. He hands me a helmet and says 'Hop on!'  
"Where?"  
"Back here," he motions with a jerk of his elbow, "Behind me."  
My face says it all, 'I'm not riding on that thing.'  
"What are you scared?" He mocks, then adds, "Dimmer does it all the time."  
His comment works, I have to snicker at that ridiculous nickname.  
"Yeah, but she doesn't know you as well as I do!" I counter.  
"Touche!" He says with a laugh, but I'm already climbing on, honestly feeling a little relieved at his response.  
Gale explains a few things about riding the ILV, namely that I need to hold on to him for dear life. The other option would be to hold on to a small handle directly behind me, which is both awkward to manage and feels seriously less secure. He sets it up with my audio band and his command band inside the helmets so we can actually talk to each other, even though we're exposed to the elements and he says it'll be 'loud as hell'.

The way the ILV is designed Gale rides tipped forward, so in order to hold on securely, I'm leaning forward too, pressed flush against his back. In order to get be able to latch my hand on my other wrist, I need to snake my arms under his jacket. It feels natural, though I suddenly find myself highly conscious of his muscles through his shirt as I grip him for safety.  
"How fast does this thing go?" I ask curiously.  
"Fast enough. Some guys tinker with them so they can really speed. I don't crave the speed so much as the escape. Just being able to get out here and getting away from everything is what I need, it doesn't matter so much how fast I'm getting away. With some of the turns on these mountain roads, not having speed is probably a good thing."  
"Yeah, this seems plenty fast enough" I comment as we take a turn, leaning the ILV into the curve. We emerge out of the shadows and a new breathtaking view grabs my attention.

"So, you know Rory calls Dan 'Dimmer'?" I wonder aloud as we wind our way up the mountain.  
"Yeah, and since you've spent a day with Rory, I figured by now you did too." I feel him chuckle within my grasp.  
"I guess he doesn't care for her." I posit.  
"That's an understatement. To be honest, he never gave her a chance. He found out she was a career that didn't get reaped, and he wrote her off."  
"She was a career?" I guess the revelation isn't all that shocking, given what I know about her - running the training gym and all. I'm more taken aback that Gale would willingly be so close with someone that had the luxury and the desire to train to win the Hunger Games. Has he changed so much that he is okay with the thought of training to kill other kids? Or now that the rebellion is over is he open-minded enough to to forgive and forget? Honestly, if I know Gale, and I thought I did, both of those are unlikely scenarios. What seems more probable is that he's really in love with her. Which I think is great, he deserves that, doesn't he?  
He continues, "Yeah, actually she's Glimmer's cousin. They trained together."  
"Oh." I feel a lump in my throat as the guilt of Glimmer's death washes over me, not for the first time.  
"That was one of the things we figured out we had in common - she had her Tribute cousin, and I have mine."  
I blurt out, "I hope that's not all you have in common!"  
He doesn't answer, I wonder if he's insulted or if he's trying to think of a commonality. As for me, I'm rendered a bit speechless myself, as I try to absorb the fact that Gale's dating someone we both would have considered a monster of sorts in the not so distant past.

Despite my original reservations, I find riding on the ILV totally exhilarating. It's the intensity of the wind whipping your clothes and physicality of needing to lean into each turn. There's an element of danger that makes me feel alive tempered by the security of clutching Gale,.

The road is not new, but it is paved and smooth. It's still a novelty to me, since we didn't have any roads like this back home. It seems like around every bend the view is an even more scenic than the last. We wind up through a canyon replete with cottonwood trees with fantastic rock formations as a backdrop. I suspect the road follows the bank of a stream, though it's too dry to have anything in it this time of year. We're nearing the top when Gale pulls the ILV a couple hundred yards off the main road and down a small dirt path that runs into the woods. He kills the motor and announces in a voice like an attendant "ILV Passengers may disembark." Once I climb off, he rocks the ILV back onto a stand. We secure our helmets to the ILV and he locks it up.

"It's a short walk from here." He says, indicating the direction with a quick nod of his head. He offers to take Vick's backpack, which I accept as I follow him through the brush. My heart is still beating rapidly from the ride, it takes an intentional effort to slow my breathing and heart rate. I notice he automatically drifts to my left side, a habit from hunting after the first games when my left ear was damaged. If we're just conversing in town he'll favor my right side, knowing it's easier for me to hear. But when we stepped through the fence into the woods he would cover my left, helping to compensate for my diminished hearing on that side. It's all of the subtle actions like that, some I probably am not even conscious of, from our old routines that put me more at ease.

There's no path where he's taking me, so I observe the topography, trees and underbrush carefully, for the unlikely case that we get separated. I recognize some of the same trees from home, oaks, red maples and of course pine trees, which are plentiful at this attitude. But there are a few unfamiliar ones, along with many of my new favorite, aspen trees. The air smells different, there's a prominent sweet dry scent that tickles the inside of my nose that we don't get at home. Even though we're not tracking game, out of habit we're both treading softly, searching for bare earth to plant our feet. As is our way, Gale silently is pointing out the landmarks he uses to identify the trail, showing me lichen climbing ladder-like up the eastern edge of a pine, the callous tissue on an old oak that looks like a ghoul or a copper colored rock formation jutting out of the ground like a razor. Once or twice, in areas with not much notable, he pauses to stack up 2 flat rocks to mark our way (a stack of 3 denoting the trail end), like we used to do when we wandered off of our regular routes. I follow Gale for about ten minutes until we emerge from the trees into a clearing. With the mountain's steep terrain falling away from us we've got an amazing view around us. We're not quite at the apex of this mountain, but I sincerely doubt the view is much better further up. Anyway, the mountain provides some shelter here from any strong winds. A few rocks that were cleaved from the mountain eons ago by some geologic turmoil provide the perfect spot for our picnic lunch.

"I wanted to show you this place, whaddya think?" He asks pretty much rhetorically, with a soft smile.  
"It's spectacular! I've never seen anything like this before!" There are mountains everywhere I look, majestic and breathtaking. Some are still capped with snow, with the lower terrain covered in trees just starting to find their autumn colors.. I spend more than a few minutes taking it in before I pick a suitable rock next to Gale and start pulling out the contents of the back pack. He looks content, relaxing on his rock with his characteristic smirk.  
I've brought us a little feast: bread, cheese, a little jerky, some smoked turkey and a couple of apples. We take in the view as we eat, or at least I do. The sun is brilliant in the sky above us here, but further out there are clouds. There are big swollen storm clouds just past an adjacent mountain, and beyond them are a layer of striated clouds creating a ceiling. It's quite striking, but it gives me some trepidation about the upcoming weather.

Once we've finished off most of lunch I pull one more item from the bottom of Vick's backpack and hand it to him, "Best for last!"  
He opens the container to find blackberries that I stowed carefully and brought from nearby our rock at home.

And there it is...his _**real**_ smile. The one he saved for the woods... maybe for me. My heart clenches a little as I drink it in and I realize how much I've missed it. I can't help myself, I grin genuinely in return.

"Wow, I've missed that smile. I haven't seen it in years!" I admit in surprise.  
"What? I smile all the time!" He retorts.  
"Not _that_ smile you don't" I clarify.  
"Maybe not. It must be because there's something to really smile about! Hell, it's Sunday and I'm with my best friend here on top of the world!"  
I nod in agreement.  
"Too bad we'll have nothing to talk about without Snow and the Capitol to rail against!" He jokes.  
"Speak for yourself," is my answer.

I don't want to spoil this magical moment, but it's been eating me up inside, and I've gotta know. So after a minute, I look him in eye for a second and ask, "So, we've been back in touch for a while now. I was just wondering how come you don't call me Catnip anymore?"

Gale's POV  
I love this place, from the first time I discovered it I thought about sharing it with Katniss, though I honestly never dreamed I'd have the opportunity to. I can tell she's blown away by the view. But it remains a distant second in my book to our old meeting place in the woods. Who knew I'd turn out to be such a sentimental guy?

While she takes in the view, I can't help but sneak glances at her. She's actually here in Two, even if just for a visit. I check again, it's really her. She's still got that constellation of 4 freckles on her neck and jaw bone, my gaze is drawn there like a navigator to the North Star. Yeah, it's right above the pendant Mellark gave her during the Quell.  
Mellark.  
Reality check. She's got Peeta, and she deserves Peeta, and I actually mean that in a good way. Plus, as I apparently need to remind myself, she definitely does NOT need me for her survival or anything else really, in fact I know she's better off without me.

"...I was just wondering how come you don't call me Catnip anymore?"

Just like I expected, she asked. Luckily, I've rehearsed this, so I **don't** blurt out "Because you're everything that's good and right in the world to me. I would give anything to heal you and for you to be whole again, but the way everything happened, I can't be the one to help you move forward the way you deserve." And furthermore I don't say, "I was a coal miner for long enough to know that tunnel failures aren't merely from the obvious constant downward pressure on the the mine shaft. Failures are actually more often triggered by a seemingly unrelated stress, like a horizontal strike to the wall of the tunnel. In the same way, calling you Catnip again, is the hit of a pick to the side wall that creates the crack in the the thin shell that's holding me together. I don't think I can take the emotional hit."

But everything I _**do**_ say is true, "You're still my best friend. We're still close to be sure, and an outsider might not notice it, but once you've had something so beautiful, the slightest decline changes it drastically. The games...the rebellion... took the boy and girl from twelve that we were. And even if we could, as much as we want to, there's just no going back."

She nods sadly, realizing the truth: there is no going back. And maybe she even realizes the truth in that what we had really was beautiful, amazing and precious. The future and the path forward are uncertain, there's new hope for others, sure, but in my opinion is there any way in hell that my future could be better than what was taken away?

We sit without words letting the truth settle in our minds. After a bit I remember one more thing I wanted to share with her.

Katniss' POV  
Eventually, we make our way back to the ILV. Before we set off Gale fiddles with his command band, he's setting up some music for the ride back to civilization. It's a ballad and the melody starts off tinny, but becomes fuller as the song progresses. It's ghostly, eerie and yet lovely all at the same time.

 _"And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers_  
 _But all that lives is born to die_  
 _And so I say to you that nothing really matters_  
 _And all you do is stand and cry"_

Between the music and the views, it makes for a surreal out-of-body experience. It's so moving, I'm emotionally drained by the time the song is over.

It's late afternoon when we finally make it back to Hazelle's and Vick and Posy are playing in the yard. Hazelle is doing some laundry for Charles and a few others. Gale and I make ourselves comfortable in the family room.  
"Katniss, it's Miss Jules, she's come to visit!" Posy yells from outside.  
I meet Jules at the door, she's got a bag of oranges she's offering up. "Hiya, I thought you guys might enjoy these. They're fresh off our tree and super sweet!"  
"Thanks! Amazing! Nothing ever grew in our yard at home, I guess there's more coal than dirt there. " I've almost forgotten my manners, "Want to come in?"  
"Sure," she says as she follows me in through the front room.  
Gales up getting some water, but comes over when we enter.  
"Do you guys know each other?" I ask. Gale shakes his head, so I continue, "This is Jules, she's Charles' niece. We met the other day when I tagged along to the piano lessons." I gesture to Gale and say, "This is Gale, Vick and Posy's oldest brother."  
I sit at the table and Jules joins me. Like a good host, Gale offers "Do either of you want a glass of water?"  
I give him a sheepish look paired with a hopeful smile and a glance at the tea kettle, indicating I'd really rather have tea. He chuckles and indulges me saying "I meant to say water _or_ _tea_ ," before filling the kettle and setting it on the stove before he seats himself next to me.  
Jules agrees with me and says, "Oh, tea sounds great, thanks."  
"So what have you been up to?" Jules asks.  
"Not much, Rory took me around town yesterday and we ran a few errands. Friday night we listened to some live music, which was great!" I look at Gale when I realize I don't much about the band.  
"Yeah, I though she'd enjoy Fletch Cohosh, ever hear of him?" Gale asks, "He plays around here quite a bit."  
"Oh yeah, Fletch, they've got a good sound. He's a pretty talented guy."  
"How about you? How long have you been playing guitar?" I ask, "Playing an instrument is pretty foreign to me."  
"Guitar? Just a couple of years. I played piano since I was Posy's age. I might have been Uncle Charles' first student, I forget now. My mother's family is very musical. Before the rebellion my mother played flute in for the District 2 symphony. Now she still plays in smaller groups for weddings and fancy parties. When I was a little girl, I always thought it looked so glamerous when she dressed up to go to those functions. For her it was just work. Besides playing she says her favorite thing to do was to hang out with the 'regulars' the folks that worked all the parties - like the food caterers, photographers and newspaper reporters. Sometimes I can get side jobs working for them at those parties."  
"I don't even know if District 12 had parties like that. Though I guess Madge would have been there." I say more to Gale than to Jules. I pause, thinking about it, and he gives my arm a supportive squeeze as he goes to fetch the hot water for our tea.

There's more small talk about different instruments and other folks who play live music. She comments that both Vick and Posy are good students, especially for their age. When Hazelle comes into the kitchen to start dinner, Jules takes her cue to leave.  
She says to me "If you're looking for something to do tomorrow, just come find me, I should be home at least in the afternoon. Maybe we can take a walk or something."  
"Okay, that sounds good, I'll stop by."  
As she steps out the front door we can hear Posy, "Miss Jules, look at me, I can make myself into a bubble!"  
Gale says to me "Well, you're making friends fast!"  
"Yeah, it might be a first! I like her, she's pretty nice or maybe I just like how she plays music."  
"Hey, different topic. I just remembered Tuesday night a few of Tela's squads are having a barbeque. You should come and invite Jules. The guys are always trying to find normal females to hang out with."  
"Okay, I guess she qualifies as normal, but what about me?" I joke.

Gale gives a playful shove in response.

"Just kidding, that sounds like fun."


	12. Chapter 12 - Never fear the mountains

Chapter 12 – Never fear the mountains

"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance  
Never settle for the path of least resistance  
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'  
Love might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'"

I hope you dance - Lee Ann Womack

Monday starts the same. I awake just before dawn and settle into the window seat to begin the day with my knotting. I realize it's not too different than braiding hair. I love watching the sun slowly unveil the mountain scenery. There's something so striking being surrounded by mountains, they're so serene and majestic.

Some might argue that due to their sheer size, mountains make them feel tiny and miniscule, perhaps even meaningless. But to me, it's the enduring beauty of the mountains, the fact that they've lasted hundreds, thousands or millions of years. There's something inspiring and uplifting knowing that they've survived the whipping of the wind, beating of the rain, the scouring of the glaciers and yet here they are, still resolute and immovable. As well, they seem to be a symbol of something to conquer, to overcome, or at least to try. The gentle hills and valleys of 12 and the surrounding forest are by definition less in every way.

As I gaze at out the window I find my neck is a bit stiff. It might be a consequence of actually sleeping in longer stretches. I knead at it with my fingers, trying to work out some of the kinks. Then as predicted, here comes Gale sprinting down that same path, like he's running with a purpose. He looks up to the window, and when he sees me he slows down like he did yesterday. I automatically sit up straighter and he gives me a nod in response to my unvoiced question, 'Are you stopping by?' I pack up my knotting and head downstairs.

Vick and Posy are in the kitchen still waking up. Vick asks me to oversee him making eggs. Of course Posy volunteers to help, and we make a project of cracking the eggs in a bowl. Gale joins us in the kitchen. He's using the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face of sweat with one hand, while he holds his Command Band with the other. With some effort I will my eyes to not linger on his exposed stomach. Those muscles are definitely new. I think even I would have noticed those before. As Prim was fond of reminding me, I never used to notice most things like that.

As Gale chugs down some water, he notices me massaging my own neck.  
"You're making more work for yourself that way. Let me do it."  
He pushes my hand away, when I'm not fast enough in taking his cue for me to stop. My skin immediately tingles at his touch. He's firm as he addresses each knot in turn, but not overly so. I have to admit that he has a better attack angle to tackle these knots.  
"Is that feeling better?"  
"Mmm hmm, lots better. I think it's actually from sleeping in longer stints at a time."  
"Well, that's encouraging. Sleep is good." He says as he gives a final squeeze.  
Vick pipes up, "Breakfast is served!" Even Posy tries a helping today. Rory wanders in, rubbing his head sleepily and showing off his own unique morning hairstyle.  
Gale greets him, "Hey sleepy head", Rory responds with a nod and a grunt. Hazelle arrives in time to witness the interaction, and she shakes her head, clearly not approving, but picking her battles.  
"Good morning!" She chirps.  
Gale's finishing off the last few bites of his eggs. "Mornin' Ma! Sorry, I gotta get going. This morning I'm giving another spiel on tunnel fortification. We're going back in tomorrow."  
I tense up and see Hazelle does too at the thought of Gale heading into the Nut. The idea of Gale going down into the earth, just like a miner, makes my stomach turn, and suddenly I'm not so eager to finish my serving of breakfast. Though I paid little attention in any of my mining classes, even I know that the first crews in after a collapse run a huge risk of triggering additional catastrophic events.

He gives Hazelle a peck on the cheek and says, "You don't need to worry, I'm in a classroom all day today. I admit it's very likely that I'll die of boredom, even though I'm the one doing the talking!"  
Hazelle concedes a small chuckle, and a wistful smile.  
He glances at the clock and starts hurrying out of the kitchen saying "Katniss, I'll call you later. Maybe we can meet up for dinner or afterwards."  
"Okay" I yell to the slamming door.  
Vick sets out two more plates out for Hazelle and Rory and scoops them each some eggs. There's chatter about schedules for a few minutes, when I spot Gales's Command Band on the counter. I snap it up and sped to the door to see if I can catch him. I'm too late, I should have guessed, he's too fast and the road too windy to see him. A little defeated I climb back up the stairs to the house. There's still music playing out of them. Whatever he was listening to during his run, must be on. I'm curious as to what he listens to when he runs, I imagine it's something loud with pounding percussion and driving guitar to urge him to run so fast. But when I put it up to my ear I hear a beautiful ballad:

"And high above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth"

When I get back to the kitchen the Hawthornes are all in high gear getting ready for school. I help pack a few snacks and track down Vick's misplaced homework. After some scrambling everyone is out the door (on time!) and I'm left in the quiet of their wake. One would think silence is the same everywhere, but despite a lack of noise here, there's still a baseline of energy and warmth in the house. When I'm alone in my house in 12, the vacuum of sound and energy is starkly apparent and the silence is all the more draining.

After the morning chaos here, I actually savor a few quiet moments to myself. I find Gale's Command Band and plug it into my charger. I pull up his active song list, and sure enough, it's labelled 'Run'. It's not quite intuitive, but I'm able to determine the sequence of entries to push the songs to my Audio Band. Once it's there I'm able to listen to the whole set. To my surprise, the songs are all in a similar vein, most much more melancholic than energetic and a whole lot more sedate than I anticipated.

Afterwards I tidy up the house and fold some laundry for Hazelle, treat myself to some of Hazelle's leftover stew. If it's possible it might be even tastier today. I relish the meal, and once I've had my fill I wander down to see if Jules is around.

Jules' POV  
"Hi there", Katniss says when I open the door.  
"Hey, perfect timing! I'm just about finished with my lunch. Come in."  
I know she can hear Charles' patient reminders to a violin student in the other room, but we pay them no mind. I motion to the full fruit bowl in the middle of the table, "Do you want an orange?" I ask as I resume my seat in front of my half eaten sandwich.  
"I'd love one, but I'm stuffed."  
As I work on finishing lunch, it looks like Katniss suddenly remembers something.  
"Hey, Gale said there's a barbeque with his squad and a few of his Commander's other squads tomorrow night. He invited you to come along with me, if you want to, that is."  
"That sounds great! Your boyfriend seems really sweet," and cute, but I keep the latter to myself.  
"Oh, he's not my boyfriend." She replies a little too fast, and now she's getting a little flustered. "He's just my friend...well not just a friend, he's my best friend."  
"From what I saw, you guys seem _really_ close."  
"We are, we've been through a lot together."  
I wonder 'exactly how close', so I raise my eyebrow to question her.  
"It's not like that He has a girlfriend."  
"Mmm, okay, I think you're lucky either way."  
She smiles like she's thinking of a dozen warm and fuzzy memories, "Yeah, I think so too."

We decide it's too beautiful a day to spend indoors, and opt for a walk through the park.  
"Do you have any favorite places in the park?" She asks, "I'm still a little fascinated that this large area is available for use by anyone in the community."  
"Yeah, I love it! There's a great area off the path through there that has a creek flowing through it in the spring and early summer. This time of year though there's not much to see, it's just a trickle now, if that. Another one I like is over that way, there's a wildflower meadow."  
"That sounds nice."  
We walk and we talk. Seems like I'm blabbing my whole life story, like how I've never stepped foot outside of District 2. I tell her how I moved here from Westphalia, "all the way" from the other side of The Nut - one whole train stop away. I admit to her that growing up I showed little aptitude and zero interest in the games, so I went to a regular school, avoiding the academy, where kids train for the games.. I tell her all about my family- not rich, not poor, just in the middle. When I mention that it's just my parents, Joy and me, and that she is three years older than I am, I see her hand fly up to the pendant around her neck.  
She's not too eager to talk much about herself or her family. I think the newspapers mentioned some of the things that happened to them during the war, but unlike Joy, I can't stand that stuff, so I don't follow any of it.

I tell her all about my 'Brad drama' and the two and a half years of my life I gave it. And I tell it like it is, that when we broke up I needed a change of scenery. Since I didn't have a steady job anyway, I figured I'd see what life was like on the other side of The Nut. And here I am - out of work and living with good ol' Uncle Charles.

I ask her about growing up in her District and how was life in 13 when they were there. It's still so shocking that there was a secret district buried under the earth for so long! The path winds gracefully through the park through some groves of trees and up and down undulating hills. They're not hard to walk up, but obscure the view just enough so you're guessing what's over the next hill, if it's a grove of aspen, a small wildflower garden or maybe a grassy area with tables for picnics. The planners seem to have included everything in this one park.

xxxx  
Katniss' POV  
I feel invigorated, but exhausted. I haven't walked that far since my jaunts into the forest. Even then I pause often listening and waiting for game. Jules and I split up heading to our respective houses when we leave the park. I collapse on the couch and savor a few minutes of rest. I didn't think I'd fallen asleep, but suddenly I am waking up to the happy chatter as Vick and Posy burst through the front door with Hazelle in tow. They all grin widely when they discover me. Posy throws her arms around my neck tackling me back down on the cushions, giggling all the while.

"Hi Hon!" coos Hazelle "Catch a little shut eye?"  
"Yes, I did. Jules and I hiked around the park this afternoon, so at least I deserve this nap!" I say, now that I'm refreshed. They file into the kitchen, Hazelle snapping up some of the oranges from the bowl in the center of the table and slicing them quickly for the kids.

Posy chirps about her classmates and what they did at school. After a mouthful of oranges Vick dutifully takes his homework out while Hazelle relieves Posy's satchel of a collection of sticks and wilted wildflowers. When Vick starts complaining he can't concentrate because of Posy's conversation I volunteer to take her outside. Before I know it she's talked me into returning to the park. We make a beeline for the play structure, Posy at a gallop and me trailing behind.

When we arrive there I'm disappointed to see it's a bit unkempt. There's some litter strewn about along the edge, in the sandbox in front of the play structure is a mound of sand with debris from a newspaper and a dirty popscicle stick jammed in it. I scoff a bit thinking to myself 'it's typical that they can't even keep the park clean!'  
However, moments later when Posy spies the the pile with the popscicle stick she shrieks in delight "Oooohhhh!"  
"Oh what?" I ask, genuinely curious, but skeptical.  
"I found a birthday cake!"  
I have to laugh at myself, always headed down the dark path of pessimism if left to my own devices. I'm glad my little companion can share her rose-colored glasses and give me a glimpse of the world from her perspective. I vow to try a little harder to see the 'birthday cake' in the things around me.

We sing a round of Happy Birthday to each other before we transform into Warrior Princesses and defend the castle, formerly known as 'the play structure'. Posy tires me out with with scaling the castle walls, swinging from the arbor and leaping from the drawbridge over the moat. I had no idea Princesses had such a rigorous physical regimen. She climbs to the top lookout and surveys her kingdom, she turns back with a wide grin. She gives me a quick scan from head to toe then gives a curt nod.  
"You're a good defender! We'll be able to keep the kingdom safe!" she says assuredly.  
"I promise I'll try!" I commit to my leader.  
"Gale says you're the strongest person he knows - maybe in the whole world! That's got to be verrry strong because Gale is reaaallly strong! Gale can even carry Vick up the stairs even when he's squirming like a fish!"  
"Wow, I hope I never have to pass that test!" and I certainly don't, but it leaves me wondering what Gale is telling Posy. I don't have to wonder long, since she continues.  
"Gale says he hopes I grow up to be like you. He always says you're strong on the inside, strong on the outside, beautiful on the inside, beautiful on the outside." As she's reciting this she gently points to my heart, then grabs both of my biceps in her hands and squeezes lightly, then points to my heart again, then tenderly strokes from my jaw to my chin with her hand. I automatically blush at the compliment and momentarily feel my heartbeat pick up, but maybe it's panic since honestly I've not felt anything like strong or beautiful in years.  
I encourage her by saying "Well, I do hope you grow up to be all of those, and I think you're doing a great job so far!"  
We continue on with castle life, but when we are able to handily defeat the attacks on the castle, it gets tiresome after a bit. She decides the castle is safe enough for now and we can head home. We're walking side by side and turn off the sidewalk to Hazelle's when unexpectedly Posy grips both my legs like an iron vice and I almost pitch over.  
"What's going on? What's wrong?" I ask panicked, frantically scanning around for any mutts or peacekeepers.  
She looks up so sweetly and says "oh! I'm hugging you, because I love you!"  
I realize that I don't even know when was the last time I heard those words spoken to me was. Probably a lifetime ago. It dawns on me that I have hardly had any connections, real deep human connections since Prim passed away.  
I kneel down to Posy's level and look her in the eyes, though mine are now a little moist, and let her know, "Thank you! I love you too!", because I do.

By the time we head back to the house there's a delicious aroma wafting from the kitchen. "That smells sooo good! I didn't realize how hungry I was." I tell Hazelle.  
"Oh thanks! And special thanks for running Posy around!"  
"Anytime!"  
"Where did I put that recipe? Katniss, would you check my desk in the front room for a veggie recipe? I'm trying something new. Maybe this dog can still learn a new trick or two."  
"Sure thing" I wander to the front room and survey the papers on the top of her small desk. There's a pile of clippings from the newspaper. One headline of a narrow column reads "Hawthorne promoted to Ranger Prime". A second one says, "Hawthorne ready for Prime Time?" which covers Gale's stint on the interview show and that he's linked to a few socialites in town . The next one is larger announcing "Soldier Hawthorne tapped to lead Nut stabilization efforts" about Tela naming Gale to lead the excavation of the Nut and another, the largest headline, states "Nass and Hawthorne are the hottest two in Two," which is a gossip column story about Gale and Danicey's potential relationship. I notice it's written by Joy Bridges. Is that Jules' sister I wonder? It reports they've been seen around town together a few times and notes what a handsome couple they'd make. Below that I find the recipe for broccoli casserole.  
"I found it" I call back to the kitchen, as I scan the stories briefly.  
"Sorry, it took me a little bit," I say when I make my way back to the kitchen, "I saw the clippings from the paper and had to at least skim them."  
"Yeah, I can't help myself. The're's not too much going on in this town, so they like to print even the small stuff. I can't help myself, I need to cut it out when I see his name in print."  
"Gale must LOVE that," I say sarcastically.  
"Yeah, you still know him better than anyone." she says with a chuckle.

When Rory gets back from school, he dutifully starts setting the table. I automatically start helping arrange the settings once the utensils are out.  
"Do you see Gale a lot?" I inquire, mostly to fill the silence.  
"No, he works a lot. We only see him when he comes to bring his laundry"  
"That's not true, he's here every weekend" Hazelle interjects.  
"Yeah, but he spends most of his time at the gym, working out, getting buff and stupid."  
"Rory!" Hazelle warns.  
"Well, he never was like that - caring about working out." Rory points out.  
"He had so many responsibilities before. I think it's good for him to do something for himself finally. And you know Gale, there's no way to do something halfway. He's in with all he's got or it's not worth doing."  
I nod, agreeing with Hazelle's logic, and if I'm honest, a little bit with Rory's.


	13. Chapter 13 - The moon is mine

Chapter 13 – The moon is mine

"I used to believe in a glittering prize

But lately I've seen  
That that's just a pillow of lies

And the moon is mine  
Yeah the moon is mine"

 _The Moon is Mine - Fairground Attraction_

Jules' POV  
I'm super psyched to accompany Katniss to the barbeque with some of the squads. I love this sleepy little town, but I'd love to know a few more folks my age here. "Folks", who am I kidding, guys, red-blooded males. I'm not boy-crazy or anything, not like Joy, but I admit it's been a while. We walk over together chatting along the way. Katniss seems out of sorts, a little nervous, anxious for sure.

It's a short walk, less than 15 minutes, just to the east of town. The army housing grounds look manicured and serene, but a tad too sterile and institutional, if you ask me. There's a tall metallic fence that surrounds the property, it's mainly ornamental, but it still looks like it serves its purpose well of keeping people out, or in, I'm not sure which.

We make our way with Katniss reciting Gale's directions and find the squads gathering in an area behind the apartments. It's a courtyard with a few barbeque grills, tables, and what I'm excited to see, an area for a bonfire. Within a stone's throw are a few courts for various sports, but I'm not familiar with any of them.

When we arrive a few folks are ferrying trays of food about, wiping down tables, and a few more are using the courts for some impromptu games. Katniss introduces me to Roscoe, he's stout with an easy-going grin. His hair might be strawberry blonde or maybe even more of a fiery red, but with the short crop cut it's hard to tell. He's manning a barbeque grill and we all make some small talk. Roscoe eyes Katniss looking around and offers up that Gale and Breaker went to get drinks and will be back shortly. She's placated slightly. We make ourselves helpful by setting up tables with all of the side dishes, plates and cutlery.

After a while, Gale and Breaker return with a wide variety of drinks. Katniss looks visibly relieved when she sees Gale for herself. "Glad to see you made it outta there alive," she tries to say lightly. He knows her well enough to not brush it off and he acknowledges it with a quick, sweet, lopsided smile "Yeah you and me both."

More to have something to do than anything else, I volunteer us both to set up a table as a make-shift bar next to Roscoe's grill. I show Katniss how we set up the drinks table when I help cater at parties. I even show her how to make a few standard drinks.

When Gale comes back around Katniss asks, "Is Danicey coming?"  
"Yeah, I've got to pick her up. But she can't arrive anywhere on time, she's got to be fashionably late. So I'll leave in about an hour to get her... she's gotta primp or something."

Gale offers to take the next shift at the grill. We tag along and find it's an easy spot to meet the guys (well, mostly guys, yay!) since they come over to get food from the grill. Gale chuckles, commenting that we're the reason his grill is going through food faster, since he says it's certainly not his cooking skills. The barbeque is in full swing and I'm enjoying talking to folks my own age for a change.

Katniss' POV  
I guess I know it's an irrational fear that anything would happen to Gale and his squad as they excavate the Nut, but I couldn't shake the anxious feeling I had all day until I laid eyes on him myself. Jules is in good spirits, she's very chatty, which lets me off the hook a bit. Folks are friendly and since there's only a dozen or so women and a least 40 guys, I can see why. After a bit I see Major Tela making the rounds with the troops. He comes over when he spots me.

"Katniss, it's so good to see you!" He says as he clasps my right hand tightly in both of his. Tela's mannerisms are almost opposite of the rigid and formal ones associated with the military. I surmised that Coin and some of the other rebellion commanders considered him too lax, since he doesn't enforce what he considers extraneous details, like military haircuts. He focuses on 'the important things'. As he is fond of saying, "We never won a confrontation because we folded our socks into Ranger Rolls," referring to the required sock folding technique of the Capitol's peacekeepers.  
"Gale, you truly are a hero! How'd you get her to visit?" Tela says loudly over the chatter.  
"Heh, it was easy, my mom bought her a ticket!"  
"If I knew that's all it would take, I would have bought you a ticket long ago."  
Coming from anyone else would be frivolous banter, but I know Tela well enough to know that he is really glad that I am here. When I came to 2 during the rebellion, he was one of the few people with whom I really felt comfortable. After talking with him I always felt like he gave me a nugget of advice that would help me. Sometimes, I just had to chip away at it to figure it out.

There are more introductions as others come around for their servings. Eventually, Jules and I grab some dinner. I'm so glad that Gale's safe that I don't even really mind when he says he needs to slip out to pick up Danicey, leaving us to fend for ourselves. Jules is chatting up a new friend, Halstrom, as we dig into dinner. Tela takes the opportunity to join us at our table.  
"So, tell me, what have you been up to?" He says to break the ice.  
"Honestly, there's not much worth mentioning." I admit sheepishly.  
"Well, what do you _**want**_ to be up to?" He inquires, never willing to beat around the bush.  
"I don't know, I feel like I'm just barely holding it together, I doubt I can take on much of anything."  
"You certainly have been to hell and back. You're definitely allowed time to grieve and to get yourself back together, but if I were to venture a guess, I would say you're still more a woman of action than anything else. It's who you are. And I don't mean publicly, as Mockingjay, but in your everyday life."

I try and process what he's telling me, but it's a struggle.  
"I have a hard time seeing that these days." I say with a sigh.

"What's a day in the life of Katniss Everdeen look like these days?" He asks.  
"Well, sometimes I help Peeta sell bread and cookies. He's starting a new baking business. My friend Sae is talking about raising chickens to sell. I might help her with that."  
"Hmmm, I'm barely sensing any interest, much less passion for these projects," he astutely assesses.  
"True." I have to agree.  
"I'd love to see that spark back in you. What do _you_ want to do? What do you envision for the future? Bread and chicken on every plate is a good start I suppose, but there's more out there. More for you!"  
I don't answer. I think of Prim, and how she was the kernel of my resolve for survival. But even back then wasn't there more to me than taking care of Prim?  
He continues as if he could read my thoughts, "I want you to thrive, not just survive! You gave so many of us hope, you deserve a little of it yourself."  
I nod pensively, as he's already given me a lot to think about.

I change the subject, "So Gale said you've got their squad working on clearing The Nut."  
"Yeah, I've got all of my squads working on that in one form or another. Gale's doing a great job of heading up his crew, he's leading 6 squads, and doing a great job, I might add. They're in charge of clearing out the debris from the tunnels from this side. He's using a lot of his mining knowledge down there."  
Even though Gale has talked about it - and even and gone down there and survived today, I immediately have a vision of Gale, like my Dad, trapped deep in the earth for hours every day and I even start feeling claustrophobic and a bit frantic.  
"Oh! You can't make Gale do that!" I say reflexively.  
He chuckles softly, "Katniss, you know better than anyone, no one can really _make_ Gale do anything. With his training and test scores, plus his rebellion experience in the Capital, he had his pick of positions. He was being actively recruited by several of my colleagues. He could be protecting Paylor or jumping out of Hovercraft right now, fun or sexy stuff. I really just lucked out since he volunteered to do his service here. I'm smart enough to know that he didn't come here to work for me, but I'm also not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. After he was here for a few months he asked me if he could lead one of the excavation crews, if he had what it took. Which of course, he does." He talks about Gale with clear admiration. I smile, as if Gale's skill or determination had anything to do with me, but I'm still proud of him. I guess in a way we did help raise each other.

He perks up and says to me, "I just had a thought, I'm just going to put this out there. If you're open to it, I could really use your help for a short project."  
"How short? I was planning on leaving this weekend or so."  
"Ah, it won't be that short for certain. You'd have to extend your stay. I estimate six weeks to six months. I could arrange housing here on campus if you need it. The elite team I have on this project is phenomenal, which is how I ended up in a bind. They progressed this top security project forward much faster than anticipated, which leaves me scrambling for a Mission Coordinator that has the security clearances required. Background checks take weeks now, so it's tough to get someone new, and every person that has clearances is snapped right up. You've already had all of the clearances, probably more,and so it would be easy for me to get them reinstated through Paylor."  
I decide I'll at least be polite and let him tell me about what he's thinking; he's so excited about it. "Hmmm. Okay, just because I'm asking questions doesn't mean I'm interested."  
"Fair enough," he says with that familiar twinkle in his eye.  
"What's involved? What does a Mission Coordinator even do?"  
"You'd report to me. Day to day you'd work with the task leads on strategy; identifying appropriate resources - both staff and equipment; and provide recommendations to me on what we should do. In the first couple of weeks, you'd help out with research and organizing the information we already have, figuring out what's important and getting it to the relevant task lead or teams. I suspect we'll ramp up to the field mission pretty quickly, in which case you and I would work pretty closely together."  
"Whoa! I don't know that I even understood everything you said. It sounds like a lot to take on - waaay more than making change for people purchasing dinner rolls."  
"It's not really, you've got what it takes. Basically I need an assistant to interface between me and the project team as we get ready for the Mission. It'll start slow. You'd have time to learn the ropes and I bet you it would be way more interesting than raising chickens. I promise I'd only give you as much responsibility as you want or can handle."

I remind him, "You do remember I'm not actually a people-person, right? They just wanted me to be one."

He assures me, "No worries, you'll fit right into this team, plus it's nothing political. That should take the pressure off."  
I'm assuming this project, like all of Tela's work involves The Nut, and there's basically no way in hell that I'm going in there. "Any field work involved?" I ask nonchalantly, as if it's not a complete deal-breaker.  
"No I wouldn't think so. We're based out of the old radio communication building here on the campus. With their Command Bands the squads can visually stream whatever they see in the field, and we can see it all from the comfort of that remote little room."  
"So, how's this project help the future?"  
As expected, he's cryptic about it, "There's anti-rebellion information that we think could be used to destabilize the new country, we're trying to unearth it and shed some light on it."  
"Hypothetically, if I was to consider this, when would I need to tell you by?"  
"Well as soon as possible ideally, but definitely by this time next week. And if you're interested, but not ready now, I can always find you something else down the road." He senses that my attention span for this topic is over.

"How about I get you a seat by the bon fire to sweeten the deal?" He says with a smile.  
"I won't be bound to accept it if I take you up on the seat, will I?"  
"Nah, I won't hold you to it." He says as he stands and stretches.  
I glance towards Jules and Halstrom, but they're too deep in conversation to even notice we're leaving the table.

We make our way to the ring for the bon fire. A couple vacates a bench for us in front when they see Tela approach. A few guys are ineptly fussing with the kindling. I'm not eager to help, so I look around for Gale, knowing he'd be able to light it easily. He's just returned with Danicey, but they're with a few others way in the back chatting. She's decked out like she's going to a Capitol cocktail party, in a black pants suit with daring cleavage and her jewelry. It's the same jewelry she wore out the other night. The necklace is like a silver rope that wraps around her neck once elegantly and then knots in the front. Each end has a conical silver tip on it, which matches her earrings. I guess it's fashionable. Gale sees me looking over, and silently asks with an eyebrow, 'What's up? Need something?'  
I shake my head back to say, 'Nah, I'm good.'  
He nods in return.  
Roscoe starts heckling the would-be fire starters. They turn the tables and suggest he do the honors. He obliges and his District 7 woodsman-skills don't disappoint. Moments later we have a healthy flame dancing in front of us. When he's done taking his bows, he slides into the seat next to me. He's talkative and funny, so he actually gets me laughing and continues to introduce me to crew mates from the other squads. Halstrom and Jules join us when some seats open up.

There's lots of good-natured teasing of Tela, so even I can join in. I take a second to take a step back and relish that I am actually enjoying myself. I glance over to see Gale animatedly telling a story to Danicey, complete with Gale Hawthorne embellishment, no doubt. For some reason it gives me a pang of loneliness even though moments ago, I was having a good time too.

Gale checks in a few times, ostensibly to see if we need beverages. He asks me if it's okay if Roscoe or Halstrom walk us back. I feel like I've hardly seen him the whole night, but I know he's got to take Danicey home, so I agree. I guess I'll see him in the morning anyway.

Roscoe and Halstrom both walk Jules and I home. We wind our way back down to the orderly row homes of Hazelle's block. They're all good conversationalists, so I mostly listen and just interject every once in a while. I'm more enjoying the crisp night air and am mesmerized by the full harvest moon. Its yolky color and fullness bringing me back to the Harvest Festival of a simpler time, when we enjoyed celebrating the fullest our pantries would be for the whole year. Now there's not as much anxiety about getting food or provisions, but I know my proverbial pantry is far from full. I've got that uneasy familiar feeling when you don't quite know if you have all of the resources you'll need to make it through until spring.

Roscoe waits at the foot of Hazelle's porch as I fumble with the door, as Halstrom walks the extra half a block to Jules' destination. There's some giggling in the dark, before Halstrom steps back into the glow of the lonely street light. I unlock the door and thank them over my shoulder. I get a wave from each of the guys as I head inside and they amble up the street together.

I try my best to be noiseless and creep up the stairs, but notice the light under Hazelle's door clicks off as I pass by. Whether Gale's hyper sensitive sense of hearing is from her, or if she's honed it from years of mothering, I don't know, but it's like radar. I know Gale would be annoyed that his mother waited up, but it is something I never really experienced and I find it really comforting.

When I reach my quarters, I slip into the window bench with a quilt, not wanting to let the harvest moon go quite yet. It's quiet and peaceful there. I'm thinking about everything that Tela said about me and asking myself 'what do I want?', when there's a muffled buzzing sound coming from my Audio Band. It looks like Gale pushed a song to me and Rory called "Shanghai Breezes". I haven't heard that one before, so I put on the band and listen to it. It's a comforting tune with a guitar, it could be from home. I'm wondering why he sent it now of all times, when I hear the lyric, _"And the moon and the stars are the same ones you see, it's the same old sun up in the sky,"_ and I smile because he saw that beautiful moon and wanted us to see it too.

I want to let him know I got his message and love the moon too, so I find a song Rory pushed to me before called "The Moon is Mine", I concede it's a mixed message, light and cheery, but describing someone with the only thing going for them is that beautiful ball in the night sky, but it's what I got:

"No hook to hang my hat on  
No rooms for rent today  
But the moon is mine  
Yeah the moon is mine"


	14. Chapter 14 - Wake me when September ends

Chapter 14 - Wake me when September ends

"Here comes the rain again  
Falling from the stars  
Drenched in my pain again  
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests  
But never forgets what I lost  
Wake me up when September ends"

Wake Me When September Ends – Green Day

Katniss' POV  
Maybe it's living here with the Hawthornes, being in their bustling household, time seems to pass more quickly. But today I awake with a heavier heart to find it's the anniversary of the mining accident that took our fathers. It's always a hard day to get through.

It's become routine now, watching dawn edge in over the mountains and then looking for Gale on his run. He stops in for a bite of breakfast before he joins the squad for their workout, training or day at the Nut.

Vick has made a batch of _his_ scrambled eggs with cheese, though he and Posy are doing more talking than eating by the time Hazelle makes her way downstairs. She smiles warmly at me, but the fog in her eyes give away that she hardly slept last night.

"Is Rory up yet?" She asks, "He should be heading out soon for school."  
"I can check on him" Gale offers, as he bounds up the stairs two at a time. Within the minute we can hear muffled, but raised voices from the boys' bedroom. Gale returns to the kitchen, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he contemplates how to break the news to his Ma.

"Ma, uh, he's not quite up for school today. I tried to talk him into it, but it'd probably be okay to skip it." In our house too, we were always a bit more accommodating on this day as well.

She gives him a worried look before responding "Yeh, of course. He's usually not like this, think he'll be alright?"

Gale inhales then exhales fully before he answers "Well, I think things are compounded this year," he says as he steals a pained glance at me.

"Okay, maybe I'd better talk with him before I head to work." She looks to me then to Posy and Vick, "Katniss, would you mind helping 'the littles' get ready for school?" I nod in response.

Once Gale leaves and Hazelle and crew head off to school I start tidying up their place. We'll have a special dinner tonight in memory of our fathers. For better or worse, I've talked Hazelle into letting me cook.

I knock on Rory's bedroom door and let him know that I'm heading into town pick up the things I need for dinner. He mumbles back an acknowledgement, but doesn't come out.

I head to the butcher to see what I can get, which I find hands down much less satisfying than hunting for our dinner. But even if I had my bow, I want to ensure a feast tonight, and I'd rather not have to serve squirrel as a back up plan, as may have happened before, I'm not saying. I'm in luck. It's a little early in the season, but the butcher has some duck. It's a bit pricey for me, so I talk him down in price for two fresh ones that haven't been defeathered yet. I round out my trip to town with the rest of the fixings of a meal.

I'm in the backyard working the feathers off of the birds, when Rory comes outside to join me. I've stripped the birds of their down and am tackling the feathers. I take a good look at Rory, if it's possible he looks even worse than Hazelle did; he looks frail and delicate in the sunlight, maybe even a little sickly.

"I hate this day." I blurt out, taking a pause from dunking a bird in the once boiling water to help relieve it of its feathers.  
"Yeah. Me too." He says exhaling a long breath as he takes a seat next to me on the back steps. Like Gale, he doesn't feel the need to fill the silence with chatter. He simply turns his face to take in the sunshine as I continue to make progress on our dinner.  
After a few minutes, I feel the need to share. "When my Dad first died, it was such a shock and of course we were all heartbroken. But when my Ma never came back to life from grieving, I felt lost, and life seemed pointless. But there was Prim and I couldn't just abandon her. I had to survive for her. But now, I'm back at square one, no one needs me to survive. Sometimes life feels pointless again."  
He nods slowly. "I don't know if Prim and I would have ever been more than friends. You probably figured out that I had a crush on her, I wasn't exactly subtle. What I really miss is that deep connection of having someone that knows you so well, that you can tell your deepest, darkest thoughts to. I've got siblings, but Prim took to her grave way more stuff than I ever told those guys."  
We sit side by side, a pair with a double heartache.

I tell him "I found a song I want to push to you, it's kind of about today."  
"Cool."  
"It's a small payback for all of the songs you gave me."  
He pauses a little too long, wide staring eyes like a doe, before he stammers quickly, "Yeah, right, of course."  
That's when I know. It wasn't Rory's idea to send me the Audio Band. It was Gale's.

I finish cleaning the ducks and bring them inside. Once I wash up I push the song to him and Gale. He returns to his room while I prepare the food for the oven. In a little bit he comes back down, ready to go out. He sticks his head in the kitchen and says "Good find on the song. It really is perfect."

I smile, keep up the ruse and say, "Yeah, well, I think the song sharing score is something like Katniss one, Rory eight."

He nods with a grimace on his face then adds, "I'm meeting up with my buddy Jet, I'll be back later."

I say "Ok", but he's already halfway out the front door.

Not long afterwards Hazelle and the kids return from school. The kids are as animated as always, but Hazelle is really dragging. She sounds guilty when asks "If you don't mind, I think I'll lay down for a minute."  
I wrap her in a warm hug and tell her "Please do rest, I'll run the kids around."

She raises her eyebrows, silently asking if I have time to do that, and still deliver on my promise for dinner.  
"Really, dinner's all set," I assure her.  
"You're a life saver Katniss!"  
"Look who's talking" I say with an understanding smile.

I bring the kids to the park for almost an hour, but then we need to head back so I can check on dinner. I remind Vick that he needs to chip away on his homework assignment before we eat. Posy is more than happy to undertake a project of making Prim's doll a nice outfit to wear to our dinner. I decide it's time to bathe, which is always welcome after a day of plucking.

By the time I'm cleaned up and dressed, the smell of dinner fills the house. I can only hope it tastes as half as good. I open the oven to maneuver the vegetables and birds around. It's a kind of awkward with so many things in the oven that it's a little bit of struggle to get the ducks situated as I want them.

Gales' POV  
I am grateful that this day only comes once a year. I suppose there's always an achy hole in your heart when someone you love is taken from you. Like a knife wound where it hurts going in, but after a bit it's just a fact of life, you just walk around with a knife stuck in your sore wound, it becomes part of you. Then there are days when the knife gets twisted and the pain is so acute and real again, you wonder how you managed to get along before. This day is always one of them. We all spend a lot of time wandering around the 'what ifs' and regrets in the halls of our minds on anniversary day, or at least I do.

I guess I should head over to Ma's, it's getting close to dinner time. I'm running on the late side so I ride the ILV over there. When I get there I leave my shoes on the porch and let myself in, like always. That delicious aroma has got to be roasted duck. I may be miserable, but it smells like at least my belly will be happy.

I walk into the kitchen, Ma's hidden fiddling around with her head in the oven, so I say louder than normal "Ma! That smells grrrreat!"

Suddenly Katniss bolts up from the oven, "Holy Smokes Gale! You scared the living crap outta me! I didn't even hear you come in. How can you do that even when we're out of the woods, it's uncanny!"

Oh... My... God... She is beautiful! Her hair is loose around her shoulders and she's flushed, I guess from the oven. And just like that in my mind I am in my old seam daydream where every night I come home to this scene, complete with her cute scowl.

She's taken aback too, evidenced by her talking way faster than normal. I need to take a breath and a nervous swallow before I admit, "I totally thought you were my Ma."

"Oh, she's napping. Or at least she was until you scared the daylights outta me!"

She's regaining her composure, and I'd like to think I am too.

"Well, it does smell amazing!" I say with a grin.

"Thanks," she says with a soft smile, "we'll see if it tastes as good as the ducks we used to bring down at home."

Rory comes back just in time for dinner. As we sit down to our feast everyone becomes a bit solemn. Even Posy senses a change in the atmosphere and is a more muted version of her usual self, a rare occurrence.

Before we start serving the food Ma takes a minute to acknowledge what day it is. "First, thank you Katniss for preparing such a lovely meal. On this day we take a special moment to remember two amazing husbands and fathers - Nathaniel and Cargan." She pauses taking a shaky breath, "We are thankful for all of the time we had with you and we miss you every day."

We all nod and sift through our thoughts for a quiet minute. Then we each take a turn saying something we're thankful for. It's hard to not want to say that I'm thankful that Katniss is here, yet again. Then we dig into the food, and as predicted it tastes amazing. Everyone verbally complements Katniss on dinner, except Rory who is shoveling the food in like it's his first meal in a week. After a few minutes, Katniss clears her throat and gets our attention. "Hey, I just want to thank you for inviting me to visit here. It's been easier being here, especially today." I look up to see Ma's eyes shining as she smiles at Katniss.

A 'Thank you' means a lot from someone from the Seam. Most of us hate owing someone, so gratitude is hard to come by - it's a little backwards I know, but that doesn't change it.

Then she says, "So, I made a little something for each of you."  
She tugs a scarf from her pocket and opens it up on the table, revealing a number of little items inside. There's a mix of curiosity and surprise when I survey the looks around the table.  
"My friend Finnick taught me to do knots to help me relax when I get stressed or overcome with grief. I don't know if you've noticed, I still spend a LOT of time doing knots, unknotting and then knotting again. So, to put it to good use, I decided to knot a gift for each of you."

Vick pipes up, "Wow, you made all of these?"  
She nods as she hands Posy a necklace, a heart necklace no less! Posy's faces lights up like a lantern. She's made Vick and Rory different types of key chains. Lastly she hands Ma and I woven bracelets.

She looks intently at me as I study my bracelet, which is a hint that there's more to the gifts than she's let on so far. It's two types of leather cord braided together, mine's more masculine than Ma's, hers is more dainty. Trust me, I'm good at knots, but I've never made anything like this before. My knots are all working parts of a death traps for animals. I run my fingers over the leather cords, one is newly cut and bright, the other darker and worn from age and use. Then it dawns on me, I know what this is made of.  
"What?! Is this darker one... what I think it is?" I trail off as I look back at Katniss in disbelief. In response she nods and blushes.  
I look around the table at my family and let them in on it, "This leather," pointing to the darker brown cord, "is from the last of Dad's shoelaces."  
"Yeah, the main knotted part is from your Dad's laces, the cord that is this lighter color is new leather." She says pointing to the tan length of cord that goes around Posy's neck.  
Ma reaches over to give Katniss' hand a squeeze, since she's too choked up to talk.  
Vick is beaming, he let's her know, "This is really cool, you know, I don't really have much from Dad!"  
Posy interjects with "I love hearts _and n_ ecklaces!" As if this is new news to anyone.  
Rory mutters a "Thank you." All the while I'm just staring and grinning like an idiot at this amazing woman. She's getting a bit flushed with the attention. You think I'd know what Katniss is capable of by now, but she's always full of surprises like this. I mean, did she really just turn an old shoelace destined to rot in the trash heap into precious keepsakes for my whole family? I don't even know what to say.

But even her amazing gifts aren't enough, as dinner continues, I feel myself slipping into the dark twisted hallways of my mind. Ma is working to keep the conversation upbeat, but Rory and I are no help. As a matter-of-fact Rory has hardly said a thing since he came home, avoiding eye contact for the most part. It's a bit suspicious, but I could care less right now.

As soon as dinner is over Rory breaks his silence, announcing he's going back to Jet's. He doesn't wait for a response from Ma, but just leaves the table and walks out. Ma shakes her head in resignation. The kids are dismissed and Katniss helps Ma clear the table.

I only realize I'm stuck in my own little world when Katniss sits down next to me at the table. She's waving her hand in front of my face to get my attention, "Hey, you." She looks at me questioningly, to say 'What else is going on?' Of course, she can sense there's more there than just the reminder of the loss of our fathers.

"Let's get out of here for a breather." I suggest. I look to Ma to make sure she'll be okay if we go. She gives me a nod and I see a grateful smile meant for Katniss once I've stood up to go.

I motion to Katniss to grab her hunting jacket. I hear her scurrying to keep up with me as I head outside. It's still light out, but it's cooling down. A quick motion of my head shows her where I parked the ILV. We hop on with no fanfare, I start her up and turn us towards the top of the world.


	15. Chapter 15 - Better than love

Chapter 15 – Better than love

"Honey, when you doubt my love for you  
Look into my eyes what I'm going through  
Even if we change and fall out of  
You hold my hand and its better than love"

Better than Love - Griffen House

Katniss' POV  
He's taken me to the only logical place, the "top of the world". We've disembarked from the ILV and hiked out to our secluded perch with a vista. Gale continues his brooding, brow furrowed. His jaw clenches occasionally as he pokes and stabs at the ground with a stick. We're seated side by side on adjacent rocks facing out at the mountains darkening with the sunset. I gaze down along one spine of the mountain. The western face is beautifully flooded with the setting sun's golden light, shadows accentuating graceful edges of rock and foliage. While the eastern side may be its sunny mirror image at noon, now it is cloaked in darkness, gnarled trees leer over dark bottomless ravines, jagged rocks hide unknown dangers.

Gale may be all brawn now, but his real strength has always been his emotional fortitude. He's a master of controlling his emotions, especially with others, less so around me. We were always able to be our true selves with each other. Or at least that's how it used to be. I've given him some space, trying to enjoy the view, but after almost 20 minutes of this nonsense I'm fed up. Why'd he drag me up here if he was just going to be as silent and grumpy as he was back home?

Finally, I step right in front of him with my arms crossed and give him my look of "I've had enough of your bullshit."

"What!" he barks.

I roll my eyes to say 'Gimme a break, we both know what!'

He breaks eye contact with me and looks away, jaw clenched. I stand my ground, but Gale's got a stubborn streak to match mine. I've just about given up when he sighs and shuts his eyes tight before he spits out "I'm glad he's dead..."  
"What?!"  
"My Dad...I'm glad he's dead."

That's blasphemy in my book! My first instinct is to slap him, but I don't. The memory of our fathers' is sacred, whether or not we talk about them. My jaw is still slack in shock when he tries to explain.

"For five years pretty much every day I thought about him and wished he was here back with us. I'd think about how I'd measure up to his ideals. I'd imagine what he'd think of how I'd lived my life. I thought I'd done pretty good ... kept our family fed, no one else signing up for tesserae, wasn't sleeping around, kids were in line, I wasn't too strict, not boozin' much, I kept my promises... But now, when I think of him every day and I'm thankful he's not here. I'd never want him to know the dark things I've been capable of."

I am incredulous, "Gale... what are you talking about? The things during the rebellion?" He nods in response.

"It was a war for God's sakes! We might still be fighting and losing people everyday if it wasn't for you and some of the things you thought of and did! I know I didn't always agree with you, but you were fighting for your ideals and to keep your family safe."

"Well, that didn't all pan out like I'd hoped. You know, my family is more than just the Hawthornes."

My chest tightens as I grasp his meaning, but from my core I know his intentions were always for safer and better lives for our families. I tug lightly on his jaw so I can try and look him in the eye when I say "Yeah, I know, but that doesn't mean you weren't trying to do the right thing."

"But maybe going about in a really wrong way. It was so consuming, fighting the Capitol. I didn't realize how much of the enemy can be from inside of ourselves... myself."

"Gale, this whole rebellion was bigger than us." I take his face in both my hands now to look into his normally stormy eyes, now looking pained and wounded. "We were pieces in their game. Yeah, we all made some choices we regret, but I'm starting to think that we need to forgive each other and more importantly ourselves and figure out who we are in this new world." I hadn't fully thought that all through until I voiced it aloud, but I feel like it's the only way we can make any progress, as survivors of a war, and I mean that as individuals as well as families and districts.

"Do you really believe that?" he asks, searching my eyes for the truth.

"I need to believe it." I admit, still holding his gaze, willing him to forgive himself. His eyes are locked on mine desperately wanting to believe, but full of doubt.

In this instant, we're so intimate, our deepest fears and hopes revealed to each other. I feel so connected. Maybe I don't want to ruin this delicate balance we've forged anew, or perhaps it's like he said all that time ago, it's because he's in pain. At this moment I badly want to lean forward and kiss him, to complete the connection, but part of me holds back.

He nods, stands and he gives me a kiss, but it's on the forehead before he wraps me in an embrace. When we finally move apart he musses my hair with a woeful smile, and takes my hand as we walk back to the ILV. 

Gale's POV  
I don't think there's another soul on earth that I'd be able to admit those things to. Even if I opened up to Ma, she wouldn't, couldn't really understand. It's amazing to me that Katniss can talk about forgiving to me, with everything I've taken away from her.

The ride back down to town helps me to relax and gives me time to think about what she said. Cruising on the ILV is calming, though I admit Katniss's grip on my midsection is quite distracting. It's different when Danicey rides with me, for about a million reasons.

When we get back to the house Ma is putting Posy to bed. Vick's in his room reading or pretending to do homework, and Rory's still not back. Katniss and I settle into chairs in the family room. After a bit Ma pads down the stairs in her slippers, her face drawn and tired, eyes adjusting to the relative brightness of the lamp light. I rise to meet her as she gets to the bottom of the stairs. She stops and looks up into my eyes and brushes my cheek, no doubt looking for my Dad in me. Wordlessly we embrace each other tight. When we release each other I shift my gaze to Katniss who has quietly witnessed this all. Ma steps over to Katniss' chair and she hugs her too, conveying love and support, like only she can. I give them a little privacy and go to set a kettle of water on the stove for some herbal tea.

Ma makes it through half of her tea, when she gives in and heads to bed. Katniss says she'll wait up until Rory comes home, and I offer to keep her company. Ma makes her way up to bed, leaving Katniss and I to ourselves. I've almost forgotten how it feels to open up to someone, to Katniss, to share an emotional burden. After my confession up on the mountain, I find it easier to breathe. Not easy, but not as difficult as before.

I believe that being around us in District 2 has benefitted Katniss too. It's ironic, but I hope being around our crazy family has helped her sanity in some small way. She's quicker to smile than she was when she first got here. She's, I don't know, sturdier, has more substance. I doubt she'd think it was a compliment, but she seems less fragile now.

But I catch myself, because I don't deserve this, don't deserve her... even as a friend or best friend. I am aware of it this time, not like the first time back in 12 when my feelings took me by surprise. She's slipping under my skin, in a good way if I'd let her. Or if she'd want to be, for that matter.

I need to get my focus back on the mission... on Danicey. I hate to admit it, but it's probably good Katniss is heading back home in a couple of days.

Suddenly there's some fumbling and bumping around on the front porch. Katniss' eyes go wide with surprise, while mine go narrow with rage.  
"That little piece of shit!" I growl.  
"What?" Katniss still hasn't put it together.  
"Rory - he's wasted... again!"  
"Oh no!"  
Only in an effort to curb the noise to not alarm my mom, I open the door. Normally, I'd just let him suffer trying to figure the simple lock out, but he's likely to wake the whole damn neighborhood. He all but falls through the door. Amazingly, he remains upright, if you can call it that, he's listing so far to one side.  
"Thankth Gale" he says as he starts to giggle. Trust me, he won't be giggling when I'm through with him.  
"Heeeey Katnith" he stumbles towards her and tries to hug her, capturing her neck in an awkward grasp. She's alarmed, but knows he means no harm, so she carefully distangles his arms from her and tries to lead him to a chair. Though it proves easier said than done.  
"What the fuck Rory?!" It's taking everything in me right now to not yell. Katniss shoots me a deadly look that might as well have been launched from her bow. I try my best to reel in my anger, but it's a losing battle.  
"Whaaadya meeaan?" He slurs at me, eyes not able to focus for more than a fraction of a second.  
"What are you doing? You can't keep doing this. To yourself. To mom."  
"Dohin' whaat? Hhhavin' fun? Fa-getting life? ... or death for a while..."

Katniss gets my attention with a pointed look, and with the slight shake of her head and furrowed eyebrows she questions me, 'What exactly is the point of talking to him _now_?'

I reassess. I hate to say it, she's right, no matter what I've got to say, he's in no condition to take any of it seriously. I'd just be venting, which might not be a bad idea, but it certainly isn't a good one. I roll my eyes at Katniss, and she knows she won, so she goes to fetch him a glass of water.  
"Is there a bucket over there? He'll need more than that." I say when she returns.  
"No there isn't, so you can get him the next glass." She says curtly to me, as she hands him the glass, and then tells him, "Bottoms up Big Guy."

After 3 glasses of water, he's still babbling, mostly incoherently, head on the table. We're conversing in hushed tones trying to sort this out.

At first she's quiet, but has her 'thinking' face on, meaning she's got lots to say, but doesn't know where to start. Eventually she decides just to start asking questions.  
"So how much have you talked to him about this?"

"This?" I ask.

"Yeah, this," she gestures brusquely at Rory.  
"Some."  
"Some?"  
"Yeah, some...okay, maybe not enough."  
"Does Hazelle know?"  
"She knows something is off, but she doesn't know the full extent of it."  
"What do you say when you talk about it?"  
"The normal stuff. You know, how he shouldn't do it, how he can get hooked. How what he's doing now can lead to worse addictions. He doesn't care about any of it."  
"Do you talk with him aside from this?" She probes.  
"Huh? What do you mean?"  
"Well, are you spending time with him, other than telling him he's wrong for trying to find an escape?"  
"I don't know."  
"Then think about it and answer me." she says with her head cocked to the side.  
I try and think back through the months we've been in here in 2. . I mean, I haven't exactly been avoiding Rory, but honestly, I'm not coming up with much. It's mostly been stuff helping with Vick's Boys' Club.

"I've been busy," I say defensively.  
"So he told me."  
I raise an eyebrow, letting her know I'm a bit surprised this topic has come up between them.  
"He said you spend a lot of time at the gym."

"I do, you guys don't understand. I gotta do that." She gives me a scolding look.

"You make time for Posy and Vick. You know Rory needs you too."  
"No, he doesn't"  
"Yes, he does. Maybe not in the same way, but he does."  
"No, really. He really doesn't." I can't help but raise my voice now.  
"Why are you saying that?" she questions.  
"I'm the reason for half of his pain in the first place! I don't know what to say or how to be around him that doesn't make everything worse. To be honest, it's beyond me how either of you can stand to be around me at all."  
"Gale, first of all, like I said earlier, you need to forgive yourself. You're harder on yourself than you should be. You had a role, but weren't the driving force behind what happened. And plus, this isn't just about Prim, you know. Rory would be a moody beligerant teenager without all of that, just like we all were. He doesn't have a dad. _**You**_ need to be there for him. He needs someone he can trust and confide in."  
"So, I didn't have a dad when I was his age!" I bite back indignantly.  
She pauses, a little offended if I read her right, "No, but _**we**_ had each other."  
I think to myself, 'Yeah, we did, and it was everything.' I don't have a good response, so I just nod, acknowledging there's some truth in all of what she just said.


	16. Chapter 16 - High Hopes

Chapter 16 – High Hopes

"I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started  
But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now  
It's time to let it go, go out and start again  
But it's not that easy"  
High Hopes - Kodaline

Rory's POV  
What the hell is all that noise? I crack an eyelid...and why is it so flippin' bright? My skull… feels like it is two sizes too small… and not because I'm smart. I think I can actually discern the two sides of my brain, each is fighting for more space. I can't quite focus my eyes in the bright light, but hear some indistinct banging downstairs. I suspect Vick's down there. Maybe he's making eggs...at the thought of food my stomach does a somersault. I attempt to ignore everything and try and go back to sleep.

I hear muffled voices getting louder, followed by a soft knock on the door. I grunt in acknowledgement. I don't know who would be worse to face now, Ma or Gale. It's Gale... and Katniss, thank god. That's better than Gale by himself, for sure. She even has a glass of water for me.

"Good Morning! How ya doin'?" Katniss starts, looking at me sympathetically and handing me the glass without waiting for my response.  
"Mornin', not quite sure if it's a good one yet," I mutter.  
"How ya feelin', Hot Shot?" Gale inquires loudly, which immediately earns him a sharp glare from Katniss.  
"Like shit, thanks for asking," I answer bluntly.  
"Well, it's the price you pay when you pull a stunt like you did last night," Gale wastes no time getting up in my proverbial grill, despite Katniss' continuing nonverbal guidance to back down.  
"It's none of your damn business what I do!" I retort.  
"Like Hell it isn't!"

"Fuck off!"I say, and it's the first thing that's felt anything close to 'good' this morning.

Katniss prevents Gale's anticipated response by grasping his forearm and getting his attention. Apparently he's veered from the plan they decided on this morning. It just takes a second of an intense eye-to-eye smack down from Katniss to get him back on track. His focus is back on me again.

"Listen, I'm not your keeper, but you're better than this!" he says frustrated.

"Whaddaya mean?"

" You don't need to drink, or smoke, or whatever you're doing to escape!" Gale's voice rises. He drags a hand down his face trying to calm himself.  
"You're so freakin' high and mighty. Why don't you tell Katniss about your big night with alcohol?" I counter.  
He snorts, shaking his head and side stepping verbally, "That's got nothin' to do with this. Nothing."

We're at an impasse. I rather crawl under a rock and die than talk right now, and Gale's certainly no eager beaver to give up the details of his night on the town.  
Finally, Katniss interjects and tells me, "Fine, how about he'll tell me about it if you promise to give us more details about last night and what's really going on."  
"Sounds good to me," the less I need to speak right now, the better. 

Gale's clearly pissed, but eventually acquiesces to Katniss' silent demand with a thin lipped nod and a roll of his eyes.  
He begins, "Well, to be honest, I don't remember much about that night. I was with Bristol and Thom. We started with beers and rumor has it we progressed to mugs of moonshine or something."  
"Yeah, yeah, okay, but tell her what you do remember," I prod.  
He grits his teeth and shoots me a look to kill before he continues. "So the evening's pretty blurry we started at Bris'. Thom said we made it to the meadow, I've got no reason not to believe him. But I come to in the morning, and find myself outside of the Landers' place," he pauses here, like he's done.  
I clear my throat, indicating he needs to add more detail.  
"In the Landers' wash tub... " he says slowly.

I clear my throat again.

"….In the Lander's wash tub …buck naked. Well, except I did have my boots on," he adds, like that makes a dust of difference.  
Ha! The shocked look on Katniss' face is the prize I was aiming for.  
"Hilarious! Ginny must have been thrilled," she surmises.  
I must look confused because she adds for my benefit "You didn't know? She had a huge crush on Gale."  
"Well, I didn't hang around long enough for her to find out about it. I grabbed Max's baby blanket for cover straight off of that back porch rail and ran home as fast as I could."

We're all enjoying a moment picturing Gale in our mind's eye stumbling home through the Seam clutching Max's blankie like a diaper.  
Katniss is still snickering as she asks, "And so Mr. Alcohol, what was the big occasion you all were celebrating …with your boots on?"  
Good question, I have no idea. I had never thought to ask. I always sorta got hung up on the boots-only 100 yard dash. At this Gale switches from good humored and slightly embarrassed to serious and melancholy. He looks out towards the window when he admits, "No celebration, trust me." He pauses steeling himself and says, "It was the night you accepted Peeta's wedding proposal on television."  
Katniss immediately deflates. Gale misses the range of emotion that Katniss cycles through because he can't quite bring himself to look at her. She, however, can't miss his gritted teeth, like he's about to be cut open without a slug of whiskey.  
"Oh Gale... I..I'm sorry!" she suddenly looks like she's on the verge of tears.  
As for me, I'm just feeling like Panem's number one jackass, because all I wanted to do was to embarrass Gale, but now I'm trapped here with them rehashing this fun little drama to the loud drum beat of blood circulating in my head.  
"I didn't know what else to do!" she claims, somehow defensive and desperate still. "You know I really thought I could protect you from Snow by doing that."  
Gale shoots her a look that encapsulates both disbelief and disgust.  
"I know, I know! You didn't want or need to be protected. And I know, it didn't work any way. But please know I did it to keep you safe. I didn't see any other way!"  
"Me? Wasn't this all about Prim?" he questions.  
"Yeah, no. Prim. Uh, I told you... Oh... but it was that day, that God-awful day! The day when we met Thread."  
Even in my state I put it together, the 'Whipping day'.  
"What? Which part of what did you tell me?" he questions.  
"You know, that Snow visited me before the Victory Tour, sat in that house, and said he knew about our kiss, you know, the first one. You know I couldn't admit it to myself, but Snow knew how much..." she falters here, "how much you mean to me."  
She's lost in her little time capsule reliving some horrific interaction with Snow, which honestly does sound scary. So she, in turn, doesn't see the flash of relief (or is it elation?) that flashes quickly across my brother's face.  
"He knew it wasn't just Prim he could use against me... I guess Coin worked that one out too."  
She looks defeated and a little confused, like she just figured something out. She takes a few minutes to sort things out in her head, but then she gets her bearings, looks at me and says with a weak chuckle, "Okay, good work in getting us off track Ror, ... How about back to you?"  
"What about me? That was much more interesting," I feign. I'm caught, but that did buy me the few minutes I needed to try and feel almost human again.  
"What about you? What's going on?" Gale asks, much calmer now.  
I shrug, trying to minimize any movement of my head.  
Katniss tries a different approach "Last night, why'd you have so much?"  
"I dunno, it felt good at the time. A little relief..."  
"What do you want relief from?" she asks, like she doesn't know.  
"I don't know."  
"You can probably think of at least one thing." Geez, did she take lessons from Ma?  
It's painfully quiet, while they watch me squirm.  
"Life! It's meaningless. It's unfair!" I finally blurt out.  
Katniss agrees,"Yeah, I know it is. Life is cruel and it's unfair."  
"I mean ... why Prim?"  
"I don't know..." she murmurs quietly.  
The silence stretches out as each of us deals with our thoughts and considers what is worth saying now.

After a minute, Gale interrupts the silence by clearing his throat, "I don't know if I even have a right to speak here, but it's not just unfair, it's wrong. But it's also reality."  
"Well, it's a reality I'd rather not deal with," I tell them.  
I can tell Gale is thinking of something, and turning it over in his mind whether or not to say it. He is always one to consider what he says before he speaks.  
Finally he decides to share, "Well, I wish she was here too, but she's gone. I would switch places with her in a heartbeat, but me being dead, or either of you, won't bring her back. So don't even think about it." He pauses and looks both Katniss and I in the eye, each in turn.

"So, what I do is I focus on what I'm going to tell her about how I lived more like her if in the off chance I end up in the same place as her when I die."

I look over to see if Katniss agrees with me, that he's losing it, but she's hanging on his every word.

"Prim may have only been thirteen, but she was wiser than her years. I'm not saying that makes it okay that she's gone. She was an amazing person that impacted so many people. I don't know if she helped more people with her healing skills or with her sunshiney disposition. It's not surprising that she loved working in the hospital in 13. You know, she told me her favorite thing was to assist during operations. She confided in me that she made it a little game to anticipating what the surgeons would need even before they asked. Once she told me that, I could see that in her character every day, in so many of the things she did. She never pushed anything, but she always listened and observed enough to figure out exactly what you needed, a lot of times even before you did. It could be handing you a back up pencil before you went in to take a test, having the water boiling for stew when you're late back from hunting or an extra dessert when she knew you felt like your world was falling apart. We probably can think of a dozen examples each. " He pauses long enough for each of us to remember a at least one time when Prim pulled that.

"That's something I've missed since she's been gone, and I think the world can use more of it. So I've tried to take it on myself. I'm no Prim, but it's a little something I work on to keep her in here," he says as he raps the left side of his chest with a loose fist.

He looks at me, "You should really think about what you'll tell her when you meet her, 'cause they way you're going, Rory, it's going to be sooner than later."

Okay, if I didn't feel like a jerk before, I certainly do now.  
"I guess we'd all be better off if we acted more like Prim," Katniss concedes.  
"What would it take for you to stay clean?" Never one for beating around the bush, Gale is back on track too. I say, "I don't know." and really, I don't.  
Katniss interjects, "Okay, maybe we need to break it down into steps. How about this - what's a good reward for being clean for 2 weeks? For a month? Or how about 3 months?"  
"I don't know," I repeat. I don't have an answer. I can still barely form a thought over the pounding of my head.  
Gale perks up, then grins wildly at Katniss. "I know what you want! How about this? You prove to me you're clean for 6 months and I'll give you my ILV."  
"Uh, what?" Your ILV? Are you kidding me? Give it to me? That's huge! My own wheels?" That means freedom. I don't even have it in me to bargain for anything more.

He sees I'm interested "To prove I'm serious, once you're clean for a month I'll teach you how to ride."  
Katniss is beaming now. I don't know if she's happier that Gale offered the big bait or that I bit it.

Once they kindly leave and I wake again from another bout of sleep I am more clearly able to analyze the interaction. I'm grateful that Katniss is here, I can imagine how rough that would have gone without her to temper Gale. It's not the first time I've said it, nor probably the last, but she seems like the only person that can talk sense into him and keep him in check. Honestly, he's just a whole lot more pleasant to deal with when she's around.


	17. Chapter 17 - Madness

A/N – Apologies for the long hiatus. I've got a million excuses, but I won't waste your time with them. I'm waging a pretty good battle against writer's block, but I suspect posting will be slower than before, but I sincerely appreciate those that continue to read.

Chapter 17 - Madness

"I can't get these memories out of my mind

And some kind of madness has started to evolve

I tried so hard to let you go

But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole"

Madness - Muse

Hazelle's POV

Well, I don't know exactly what happened last night, or many of the nights (or even days) when Rory stays out late. But you can't live in the Seam without being able to recognize the signs of coping with life by escaping it through alcohol, the leaf or worse. And I do know that Gale, and now Katniss, seem to be on it. Rory's struggling, with well, everything. Most recently is the loss of Prim, but there were many friends from 12 that never made it out of the District that night the rebellion ignited; there's always the gaping loss of Nathaniel, then on top of that the move to Two and of course, just coming of age. He's at a point in his life where he thinks I can't understand. I know I can't pry too much, but I let him know that I love him; I'm concerned and I would welcome him talking to me if he could.

I'll continue to plant seeds of advice, but not force anything on him, as I know he'll just shove it all back at me. Sometimes it's best to have Gale help, when he's not too preoccupied with work, working out or with his girlfriend.

I am forever grateful that Gale wasn't your typical teenage boy. Lord knows with his good looks, I really could have had my hands full. He certainly wasn't a saint, but in truth he only pushed the boundaries minimally, almost just as a rite of passage. As if he knew stretching me past my limit might break me, and us as a family unit as a result. That group home in the Seam was always looking for new residents. I suspected that I wouldn't get off quite as easy with the younger three.

Gale fits the bill of a first born to a tee: conscientious, reliable and mature emotionally – so when we lost Nathaniel, he took the mantle of responsibility without hardly any fuss. Duty and caring for family are so woven into his persona. I'd like to think that's some of my and Nathaniel's doing, he's really just programmed that way. With Gale lifting that burden, Rory, Vick and Posy have more freedom to shirk responsibilities, to you know, just be kids, like they should.

I'm fixing lunches and making sure that Vick eats some breakfast. The eternal procrastinator, he's preoccupied with the finishing touches of his homework assignment that is due today. I do slow down enough to observe Katniss and Gale come downstairs when they are finished talking to Rory. She gives Gale a thankful smile which he acknowledges with a shrug, which I interpret as 'sure, it was nothing.' In response she rolls her eyes and gives him a playful nudge to the ribs as if to say, 'Liar, but thank you anyway.'

I start wrapping up snacks when all of our attention is quickly diverted to Vick and Posy's sharp interaction.

"Quit it!" Vick yells sternly.

"It's mine!" Posy responds equally loudly. They start pulling and pushing like two lumberjacks sawing through a 40 year oak. I'm about to intervene, but Gale, closer and quicker, steps in faster. Looks like Vick has used Posy's favorite pencil in his hurry to finish his paper.

Katniss immediately shies away from the commotion, she sees the bowls set out and she starts to help herself to some breakfast. The reality is that we are both watching Gale and Posy out the corner of our eyes.

I hear my words come out of my son's mouth "Posy, what happened to using words? You know you can't just grab things." That's right, I couldn't have said it better myself. Gale holds up the property in question. It's a beauty all right, a glittery silver pencil with pink hearts adorning it. She jumps to grab it, but he hoists it up out of reach. She bounces at the knees, anxiously.

"Gale, It's mine!" she justifies herself with a whine.

"Even if it's yours, you know better" Gale says. Posy's put out and she lets him know with an audible snuff.

He tries, "Vick's working hard on his paper, he didn't think you'd mind him borrowing your pencil, maybe he even thought it would be good luck." She gives both Vick and Gale a hairy eyeball, letting them both know she doesn't think that is the case.

As he kneels down to her height he says "You're stronger than that, you can't let your reactions get the better of you." Then he does this adorable thing that I've seen him do a couple of times before. This time he precedes it with a quick nod of his head in Katniss' direction. He says something like "You're strong on the outside" and he gives each of her tiny biceps a squeeze. Then he says "and strong on the inside," and he points to her heart and like always he wiggles his finger so that she giggles.

Then he slides his finger down her jaw from her ear to her chin, dabs her nose before he tickles her heart spot again. This little routine has more words to it, but he doesn't say them all this time, and I forget what they are myself. Maybe it's because he's now aware that he has an audience or maybe there's a secret between them. Either way, Posy understands it all clearly. Katniss too, seems to comprehend something more from their interaction. She angles away from them quickly, turning towards me. My guess is she did that so that Gale doesn't see that's she's blushing madly.

At any rate, at the end of this Posy goes over and offers her pencil to Vick, who gives her the world's quickest embrace to serve as both an apology and a 'thank you'. And then it's over. We all just get on with breakfast (or our essay, as the case may be) and that's that.

Katniss' POV

In the quiet after Gale, Hazelle and the kids head out, I celebrate that victory that Gale offered up his ILV as an incentive to Rory. That was genius! I knew Gale wanted to help Rory, he just didn't know how. We can't face ourselves and we can't face our own families, those we supposedly love and care for most. Gale... Mom… and I'm not guiltless either. In the aftermath from the rebellion, Panem isn't the only thing that needs saving. I don't want to continue to dwell on it, I just want to help them help each other.

Speaking of helping out - I want to help out- earn my keep, while I am here. Our old saying from back home holds true, "No one likes a house-guest that actually acts like a guest." To chip in I tackle some of the laundry jobs Hazelle has taken on. There's a bag of dirty laundry that Rory picked up from the Wheelers, a sweet elderly couple that live between the Hawthornes and Charles. I go through it surveying each piece for stains, as I have seen Hazelle do dozens of times. I rummage through Hazelle's sprays looking for one that removes dirt and another concoction that she swears by for tomato sauce. Each bottle is labeled with instructions since her grand plan was for Rory and Vick to help out and earn some money of their own, but it never panned out (at least not YET, she tells me, ever the optimist). Even though she landed the job at the school, she felt a little more income would help them be more stable. Lucky for her, she was able to tap one of the rebuilding programs for a loan to purchase a machine that does the actual washing of the clothes. She's hoping that before winter kicks in that she'll be able to pay off that loan and secure a second one for a machine that will dry the clothes. That way their home won't need to be festooned with damp clothing strung on lines all winter long, like before. As long as the weather continues to be reasonable outdoors she can just take advantage of the sun and the fact that their yard can accommodate a run of laundry lines and still have an area for the kids to play in.

While the machine takes care of the Wheelers' clothes, I check to make sure there's enough space on the laundry lines outside. She's set up 3 lines, each long enough to string up a whole load, so that there's no mixing of different customers' items. She's busy enough between her customers' loads and her own household to put them all through constant use. There's a set that's already dry, so I start taking them down and folding them trying to mimic Hazelle's professional folding technique, which is apparently easier said than done. By the third article of clothing I've figured out that this load is one of Gale's. He's got lots of workout clothes, his standard issue military shirts and pants, and...underwear. I know it's underwear like in everyone else's laundry... But it's not. Folding Mr. Wheeler or Charles' underwear isn't distracting or weird in the least. But now that I'm folding Gale's underwear, I somehow keep thinking of him being IN the underwear. I imagine him _in_ the underwear with those new abs and wondering if he got them working out with Danicey, which I am finding to be BOTH distracting AND awkward at best. I think what if these belonged to Mr. Wheeler, I wouldn't think twice. But maybe that's because he's old enough to be Sae's grandfather. What if it was someone younger's laundry, like Roscoe or Breaker? Gross. Even when I try to pretend it is someone else's underwear I keep wondering why I even need to do that. Since when was folding laundry so confusing? Before I can develop any good hypotheses I've folded the last affronting article of clothing. I decide laundry's not my thing and I go in to straighten up inside before I meet Jules for lunch.

Vick's POV

Posy and I walk home from school with Ma like always. I'm trying to teach Posy how to twine grass like Gale showed us. But she just keeps braiding them, saying it looks prettier. When we get home, Ma stops short at the bottom of the steps, her face instantly stern.

I turn and my eyes trail hers following her gaze to find the front door has been left open. I really hope I didn't leave it that way, because, Ma's gonna tear into whoever it was when she figures it out, even if it was Posy. She looks at us, and Posy and I are frantically trying to remember if we closed the door on the way off to school. Ma shakes her head probably recalling that the three of us left together while Katniss, Gale and Rory were still at home.

She calls for Rory as soon as she crosses the threshold. No answer. In a gentler voice she calls for Katniss. Again, no answer. I make sure the door is solidly shut once we're all inside. When we get to the kitchen I spot two plates with food that are just sitting there half eaten. Posy looks at me with big glassy eyes - she knows as well as I do that Ma will be livid. We've all heard it before, "You don't waste food!" I return Posy's stare uncertainly, not sure of what will happen. Ma doesn't get mad though, she instructs us to stay in the kitchen while she hurries to investigate upstairs. She surveys each floor to her to her satisfaction and returns. I think she's still trying to figure out what's happened when Rory returns from school. Her eyes track his every move like a hawk tracks his prey. He fumbles about the kitchen, unaware that he's on the brink of unleashing her wrath. He sees the plates of food on table and asks "Is there any goat cheese quiche left? I didn't get any." Her face softens at once and she says, "Honestly, I don't know, Hon, check the fridge." Then she looks concerned, turns to me and asks,

"Vick, could you run over to Mr. Charles' and see if Katniss is there?"

I nod and scurry out, again, making sure to close the door securely behind me.

I approach their front door, but hear the familiar sounds of a piano lesson. It makes me hesitate to knock, so I wait for a pause in the exercises and then rap on the door. Mr. Charles cracks the door, probably uneager to disturb the lesson, and to block the wind that has picked up.

"Hello Vick, what can I do for you?  
"Hi Mr. C., sorry to bother you, but um, is Katniss here?"

"No, she's not. Actually, I thought Jules said that she was going to have lunch at your house."

"Okaaaay." I say slowly, since this provides a clue as to why there are two plates of food out. But it doesn't help solve the mystery of where Katniss is or why the food was left half eaten. I put on my virtual investigator hat as I try to piece together the few clues we have.

"I can send her over if they come back here first" he offers unconcerned, and a little anxious to get back to his student.

I take him up on it and return to report back my findings to Ma.

It's only a block, but before I make it back to the house, I see Jules rush around the corner from town.

"Vick! Have you seen Katniss?" She says breathlessly.

 _"What the? "_ I think to myself, but I say, "Funny you should ask, we were hoping you would know where she is."

"Well, we were at your place, just starting lunch. She took one bite and suddenly she looked like she was going to be sick. She jumped up and bolted out the front door."

"Do you know where she went?" I say stupidly, since I realize if she did, she probably wouldn't be asking me.

"I don't know. I was dumbfounded, it was so out of the blue, it took me a minute to try and follow her. I thought she might have gone in the side yard to get sick, if she wasn't feeling well, and I didn't catch site of where she went."

She sighs in frustration, then continues, "So my idea was that maybe she ran to town for medicine or to the gym to find Gale, but no one I asked has seen her."

I'm stumped (unfortunately, not much of an investigator) so I say, "Let's go inside and tell all of this to Ma, maybe she can figure out something."

When Jules finishes rattling off all of the relevant facts, Ma closes her eyes and inhales deeply, gathering herself. She picks up the phone and hits an auto-call number, probably calling Gale.

"Hi Hon." (I'm right), "What are you up to right now?"

She's trying to figure out if Katniss is there without asking him directly.

"Just got home, huh? Do you guys want to join us for dinner?...Great!... How many?... Two, maybe three if Danicey can make it...Lovely!... So, is the other Roscoe or Katniss? You know they don't exactly eat the same amount (she slips a nervous laugh, she's still trying to keep it light)... Well, no...I thought she might be with you... No, Jules is here with... No, she didn't leave a note... it looks like she left in a hurry...No, no, I checked, all of her belongings are still upstairs...okay, see you in a minute, I'm sorry Honey."

I didn't think to time him, but I swear it takes him less than 3 minutes to fly through the front door. ILV or not, that's pretty dang fast. Now I can clearly picture Gale at work on a military mission. He's not rude exactly, but completely focused, gathering the intelligence and grilling us all for any details, nodding and shaking his head as appropriate.

Once we're done telling or retelling our stories he issues us our orders "Rory, scour the yard. Vick and Posy, check all of the closets."

We do, but we all think he's crazy. As we expected, there is no sign of Katniss in the closets. When we tell him he lets us in on his thinking.

"She's upset and probably cocooned up someplace she can feel safer. I thought she might be hiding in a closet, like she would do in 13."

Ma asks, "Any idea what might have triggered this?"

Gale answers definitively, "Yeah, your quiche."

Ma's shocked, and probably insulted, because obviously she'd never have done that on purpose.

He explains, "It's delicious Ma, but it's got goat cheese. Just like the cheese Prim used to make, remember?"

Ma sighs apologetically. Gale comforts her saying "You didn't do anything intentionally, you're just making delicious, nutritious home cooked meals. It's gonna happen, there are so many little things that can remind her of Prim."

Then he's back on task, "What are some places we know of that Katniss would run to and feel safe? The place I took her on the mountain is too far..."

He's got us all thinking of where we've taken Katniss.

I think none of us thought Posy was paying attention to any of this, but she pipes up "My Castle!"

"Good idea, Pose!" Gale encourages, "Any other ideas? We probably want to think of a few and then split up to check them out."

Rory offers to go with Jules to check out the market where he took her on Saturday, though we all agree that Katniss is more likely to go away from people rather than toward them, if Gale's analyzed the situation correctly. Gale says it's worth going, since he wants to cover all bases. Ma suggests she stay home with Posy, while Gale and I form the search party for the "Castle". But Gale recognizes that Posy wants to find out for herself if Katniss has found safe haven in her castle. Ma gives in, and lets Posy come with us.

Katniss' POV

Now that I look around, I'd have to guess I've been here a while, the temperature's dropped a bit and the sun's light is more golden now as it falls on my sleeve. I look closely at my shirt: the texture of it, the colors, how the thread on the hem is a slightly darker shade than the cloth.

It reminds me of that soft knit blue sweater that I handed down to Prim. By the time she fit into it, the weaving had become quite loose, but she didn't care. There was a yarn at the bottom that Prim tugged on as a nervous habit when she was studying. But when she did that it would start to undo the knitting of that poor sweater. I kind of feel like that sweater now, like someone has just barely pulled and is now unraveling my thread. It's so easy, one little tug and all the work of pulling myself together goes to waste. I don't think I am fully ready for life outside of my trusty chair in 12.

Oh Prim, I miss you down to the marrow in my bones!

Ugh, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "Damn you Gale Hawthorne!"

I'm my brief moments of clarity I do realize the behavior of running away from friends and family because I feel abandoned is ironic. I suspect Dr. Aurelius would be pleased to know that I haven't given up my status as a unique and interesting psychological case.


	18. Chapter 18 - After the Storm

Chapter 18 - After the Storm

"But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

After the Storm - Mumford & Sons

Vick's POV

We set off. Posy and I are ready to race to the playground, but Gale motions to me that he's got to tell me something. While Posy takes advantage and motors ahead, Gale confides in me that he needs me to talk with Katniss if we find her here.

"What? Why me, why not you?" I question, "I mean, you're her friend, not me, right?

"Well, I think I'm part of the problem too, Vick. I don't think we can be friends like we were before. I can't help her like you can right now." His eyes convey that there's more, I recognize the _'you're too young, Vick'_ look. It's a look that I've seen more than once.

But the point is moot. Posy yells back disappointedly when she reaches the Castle, "There's nobody here!"

Gale sighs and shakes his head, but continues striding purposefully toward the play structure. He climbs to the top of the castle with Posy, surveying the kingdom with her like we've all done about hundred times.

"What's another place like this? Anything else in the park? I think this is a likely place, lots of nooks and hiding spots."

Then if comes to me, where I'd go if I wanted to hide... and I've shown it to Katniss.

"I've got an idea!" I say as I race down the path to the grove of trees. Once we get there she's not too hard to spot. She's perched 30 feet up, but with the trees starting to lose their leaves, there's not much cover.

She's curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, in the crook of a sturdy branch. It looks high up to me, but Gale doesn't look worried. He's busy processing the situation. Yelling up to someone who is kind of trying to hide hardly seems effective. He knows it won't be easy to get up there, if the upper branches could even support his weight.

Gale and I come to the same conclusion at the same time. We turn to each other, I'm opening my mouth to say "I'll climb up," but he's already nodding. He hefts me up to the highest limb he can, explaining that right now I just need to talk to her, letting her know she's not alone and comforting her. I'm a little anxious about what to say, it seems like a big responsibility. But then I think, it's okay, it's Katniss. I can't get out of my head the time when Katniss found me splayed out on the dirt lane by our house. I split my knee open real good on a rock. I was pretty worked up, since I was supposed to have come back right after the laundry delivery, but had gotten side tracked a few minutes (well, maybe more than a few) on the way home. She took it right in stride, calmed me down and even cleaned up my cut and scrapes with her bandana and some water. That night when I confided in Gale what happened, he told me that was big deal since she can't stand the sight of blood. But she never let on when she was helping me. She just was recounting how she and Gale ferreted out a muskrat and hatched a plan to trap it in the stream. When she was done, she walked me home and even distracted Ma while I quickly dug into my chores.

The climbing takes more than a few minutes, and some coaching from my ground crew. (Geez, when did Posy even learn how to climb a tree!) I finally make it close enough to Katniss, I can see that she's been crying, which, I guess, isn't too surprising. She's staring vacantly in front of her clutching her locket.

Gale hollers up "Do me a favor, feel her hands!" I do, and they're freezing. I relay the message down.

He says "She'll never be able to climb back down with them cold. I'm going back with Posy to get some hot tea and a jacket. Just work on getting her calm and talking to you."

He pauses, then deftly tugs his sweater over his head in one motion then balls it up in a loose knot with the sleeves. He instructs me to only catch it if he's able to throw it right at me, no reaching to grab it. I do as told and luckily it only takes him a few lobs to land it in my lap.

Posy protests about going back home, but concedes when Gale convinces her that what Katniss really needs is some of Posy's special flower tea. I watch them jog off into the sunset (literally). When I turn back and look at Katniss, she looks like a little girl, so scared and alone. I unknot the sweater and wrap it around my neck to free up my hands.

"Katniss, is it okay if I climb up next to you?"

She makes eye contact with me and nods, but her eyes look completely empty. Kinda eerie, if you ask me. But she's been through so much. I mean she pretty much lost her whole family. Well, her real one, anyway. She's still got us, Ma says. I maneuver my way carefully next to her and do what comes naturally I give her a hug. She's still rocking a little bit, but she leans towards me. I offer her the sweater, which she takes around her shoulders without questioning. We sit looking out at the sunset as I rack my brain for what to say. I wish I had thought to ask Gale for advice before he left.

Finally, I just ask, "Can you tell me a story about Prim?"

She looks at me wide-eyed with concern, like it's not a good idea. But I defend my request, "Sometimes when Ma gets sad over my Pa, she starts telling us stories about him, and usually, it makes us all feel better." I doubt myself though, when she looks like she's going to cry again, but then she starts in quietly and says, "Did you know Prim loved to dance?"

I shake my head, not wanting to break this spell.

"Back when we were young, my dad would sometimes sing and drum a rhythm on the table. Prim and I would choreograph these dance routines. Trust me, I'm using that 'dance' in the loosest sense of the word. We'd march and twirl around the living room, using rags as scarves, blankets as capes or flowy skirts."

She's almost smiling so I let myself comment, "Sounds awesome."

She continues, "Actually, we were really awful!" and gives a snort that I interpret as a laugh, "but we didn't care."

"She had a signature move that she loved to do, this deer-like prancing jumping thing." She's grimacing, but laughing, and there's tears too. She overcome with all sorts of emotion, and in the end, she just pulls me into a tight hug.

Gale's POV

Without Posy tagging behind, I make it back with the tea and her jacket in no time. It's getting colder and darker by the minute, and I want to get them back on solid ground as quickly as possible. I scale the bottom branches awkwardly. I'm in the best shape of my life, but apparently out of practice with one of the basic survival skills. Has it been that long? Shame on me! What would Pa say?

Thankfully, Vick meets me halfway, strings the thermos strap around his neck and wears the jacket to leave this hands free. After sitting up with a birds eye view he's much more fluid in his movements, more comfortable moving around. He downloads what's transpired while I was gone. I glance up, but she's not looking at us, or probably me. She's pulling on my sweater and rubbing her arms vigorously in an attempt to warm up.

Vick carefully hoists himself back up and arranges himself in a stable position. He then peels off Katniss' jacket and hands it to her. She readily accepts it and puts it on. Once she's wrapped in her jacket, Vick works on setting up a cup of tea for Katniss. The thermos is insulated, but the cap that served as a cup isn't, so it usually heats up too quick, if the tea is hot. He pours the tea cautiously into the cap in her grip, not wanting to spill or pour too much, which would make it too hot.

Even from down here I can see she's still got this skittish, frightened air about her, reminding me of our first hunting outings when she got back from the first arena. It was almost like she could only focus in one detail at a time, not take in her surroundings. Things like movement in her peripheral vision would startle her. It was as if by concentrating on the microscopic, she wouldn't have to think about the big picture, and the things she had been through. Now she's immersed in the magic of the steam rising off Posy's concoction, likely avoiding the thoughts of our losses from the rebellion. Vick talks to her, she nods compliantly holding the cup with one hand and letting the steam rise through her fingers that hover above the lip of the cup. After a few minutes, she finishes her tea and they appear be packing up.

Vick navigates the route down the tree and Katniss follows behind. Her hands must still be stiff from the cold because she's extra careful in making sure she has a grip each time she repositions her hands. I breathe an audible sigh of relief when she alights on the ground. I know it's temporary though, I'm aware it's coming to a head. As soon as she steadies herself on the ground, her countenance changes and she fixes her sights on me. She's furious, and I don't blame her. I brace myself for a barrage of fists. If this is anything like my confrontation with Rory, I want to protect my nose, but I know there's no hiding from this. I have it coming.

She approaches with distinct purpose. Her voice shakes as she declares, "Prim is dead!" She raises her fists to pound on my chest. I already know what she's going to say: _She's dead. And you and your bomb killed her!_

It's almost what she says, but worlds away.

"Prim's dead! And YOU... You left me! You. Left. Me." She hammers down a fist on me with each of the last words for effect, but it's what she said that inflects the most shock and impact.

"Katniss... "It's both my apology for the former, and my begging her to understand me on the latter. I'm speechless on two accounts. First, I can't unlink my bomb from Prim's death... is it even possible that she could? Secondly, doesn't she know she's better off without me?

She half-heartedly beats on me a few more times, then exhaustedly buries her head in my chest. Reflexively, I wrap her in my arms, pretending like I'm not her biggest threat. The smell of her hair makes me homesick instantly, well not wanting home exactly, but wanting the time 'before'. Before the rebellion, before she went to the games, back to when I had no idea how happy I was.

She mumbles something incoherent into my shirt. I pull back a little bit putting some space between us.

"Sorry, was that in English?" I ask, hoping to interject a little levity into the situation with some humor.

It earns me a breath of a chuckle, and another weak smack to my side. A semi-success.

"I know. I know." she says defeatedly.

"Then enlighten me, please."

"I know what you're thinking. And why you left." she says more to my shoulder than to me.

"Okay, then." I say like that settles it, since I'm not eager to debate it. But she's not done.

"No! You can't just leave like that!" she spits out, pushing back with both hands, breaking away.

I tense my jaw as my rebuttal. As usual, she reads me right and goes on to say, her voice rising, "You think your leaving makes it easier, but it doesn't! It doesn't work that way. It just makes a bigger blacker hole in my life."

Since I never, ever imagined this as a scenario, I don't have much of a come-back ready. I'm still processing all of this when she whispers hoarsely, "Don't you know? I need you."

I know I should argue back, because she doesn't need my bad influence in her life. But I can't get myself to do it. As I take her back in an embrace, I admit to her what I've known about myself for years now, "I need you too."

I'm in no hurry to go, and happy to stay in this little hideaway beneath the trees for as long as she needs.

Vick has patiently witnessed this all of this. He's giving us all the time that we need. He's a smart one, he's resting from his high altitude adventure with a warm cup of tea at the base of the tree. I think he's still proud that he figured out where Katniss had gotten off to. When we're finally ready to go, I just give him a nod. He downs his tea and returns the lid to the thermos. The three of us stumble back in the dark to the warm glow of the house.


End file.
